I need real understanding. (or help or something)**TRIGGER WARNING ABUSE**

[Teacherwithadarkpast]

Hi everyone,

To properly introduce myself, I need to tell my story chronologically. All these accounts, to the best of my recollection, are true. The tail end is also corroborated by witnesses and some kind-hearted people. While my typing mannerisms are odd, esoteric, or manic, it's a personal battle I possess daily. Whatever the future brings, at least I can say I confronted my past with this post. I'm currently a teacher in America. Why am I saying this? Because I'm tired and my mask is slipping. I can only see myself slipping and I probably need to transition into a new role before I make more mistakes. (whatever that means)

I was born in Poland in the mid 80s. My grandfather, back right after WW2, killed another Polish citizen to take his farm. Soviet data keepers weren't really in the habit of investigating so they just assumed he owned it. I can't be sure of exactly what occurred from then to the 80s. However, I believe there was a lot of abuse. My grandfather also actively encouraged his sons to be involved in petty crime. He was an abusive criminal thug.

My mother decided to go to college to escape. However, she collected her own psychological conditions prior to this. She meet a man at this time, got knocked up, and got married. During the solidarity years, they bribed a soviet official to immigrant to America. By this time, I was born. I'm the youngest of three. I have a brother (oldest) and a sister (middle).

While my mother escaped, she still choose to immigrant to the same NJ suburb as her brothers and aunts. By this point, my uncles were involved in simple money laundering (I believe. Something to do with trucking or gas stations). My grandfather was giving advice as well. In addition to this, they kept making fun of each other. As a child, I couldn't accept this. So, I constantly appealed to their emotions to make them behave better. I also blacked out any time my grandfather told that story he was so proud of.

What followed was ostracization and humiliation at the hands of my family. After being told I was worthless for years, I tried drowning myself in a hot tub in second grade. I was in the hospital for a week. I believe... this caused some form of brain injury after my handwriting became progressively smaller. (It's still small btw.) I won't go into the exact details.. but.. second grade onto ninth grade, the following happened to me: Molestation by sister and brother. Physical torture by my brother. Psychological torture by my sister. (I remember her giving me "recordings" in a sedative state, I believe. She was into dark psychology at the time and I believe it was connected.)

Come high school, my mother was worried I would snap and out the family's action. She prompted me to be hyper-religious. She used this technique where I would be barely conscious in the car and receptive to input, I believe. While I did become religious, instinctively I knew something was wrong. I tried ending myself again but this time with starvation. My lowest weight was 110-120 pounds as a 5'9" male. Around junior year, I overdosed on diet pills (stacker) and had a seizure. To silence the situation, my parents insisted on an epilepsy diagnosis instead of therapy. This starvation complex continued until mid-college.

During college... it's a little fuzzy. My sister and brother were on drugs. They did something that involved drug use around me. I thought they were playing. During this time, my sister also took me on drug deals thinking I was a "good luck charm." My brother was also partially exposed by the townspeople in the suburb we grew up in. They didn't know the whole story. My brother just decided to show off his work and what he was capable of to a new friend to scare him. This friend reacted aghast and told the whole town how sick my brother was. He was shamed. The town made it very clear "I was free." However, at this time, the only social interaction I was allowed to have was the internet furtively. I developed racist ideas that corresponded to my family's. (They just hit it better.)

More social isolation occurred. My brother tried asking a crime boss to have me killed. The crime boss talked with me and concluded I was, "an angel." (whatever that means.) He said I was off limits and that something would happen to my brother if something happened to me. My sister helped my brother after this and tried prompting me to kill myself by walking around unsafe areas at night. I did this. A lot. My calf muscles are still like turkey legs!

Throughout college, I depended on these people for emotional support as they were my only resort. My sister also practiced her surgery hand on me with sharp scissors on me in my sedative state.

Anyway, I went to law school in New Orleans. In between my night walks there, I suffered a nervous breakdown. I dropped out of law school my second semester there. My sister visited and told me all this out of pity. She also experimented with psychotherapy to implant her voice into my brain, "So I wouldn't be lonely."

After she left, I transitioned to day walks instead. (or was it before? I don't remember) I stopped by a teaching tutoring center in the ninth ward. A kid gave me a little bit of respect. This was probably the first sign of respect I received in my life. I was 25.

I asked to go back to my family and go back to college for teaching. I went to college to receive my masters. During my student teaching days, the kids typically felt bad for me. But, it gave me a strange amount of confidence in this one thing in life. During this time, my father started his business.

I got my contract for my first year of teaching. I was terrible. However.. my family was participating in bribery and laundering money with their business. As a joke, as my brother described it, they bribed my principal to extend my contract. I received my next year teaching. Something.. odd happened in year two however. I started relating to certain kids who were also discriminated against. I started relating to African American boys, then Hispanic boys and girls, then African American girls, and now white people who happen to be a particular orientation. (I shouldn't assume.) This transition from my racist past to someone who actively supports the kind of people my family ended is pretty much complete now. Frankly, I hate racists now. It's ridiculous. I'm actually quite good at my job. I can relate easily to my work population and have a rather solid reputation of being caring, kind, and compassionate. But in reality, I'm just afraid to be anything but meek when I'm confronted. I also don't know how social skills work so the kids find that refreshing. At this point though, I can relate to pretty much anyone so long as they're A ) being discriminated against and B ) close to the classroom.

From years 1-4, the threats between my principal and my family were getting out of hand. My brother tried convincing someone to have me arrested on false charges. A very kind co-teacher told everyone to not talk to my brother. The women hated me though. lol Around year 4, my principal threatened my sister too strongly. She tipped off the police, he was arrested, and is now in prison for 15 years.

Around year 6, my new colleagues in a new school kept investigating my family due to my odd behavior. Eventually, my brother realized I wouldn't stop teaching. He changed sides and then forced my sister to change sides as well. They both turned on my mother and father. They forced my parents to revert the bribery money they laundered back into a proper business account. During this time, I was also on the payroll. I honestly thought they loved me.. but I think their intention was to use me as the fall guy in case they were caught.

Last year (year 10), after getting some therapy finally, I realized all of this. I reported their crimes to the IRS last Easter. I also snapped a bit and went to the police and then the DA. They sent me away citing jurisdiction and maybe because I don't look like someone who could be involved in crime? Either way, I did my part once I realized what happened.

Over the summer, I effectively had another snap. I thought something like this would be a "book deal," and I contacted people. They effectively ignored me. Though, one detective did come to me because I was perceived as aggressive towards one of them. I think everyone just felt bad for me. Nothing was pressed against me. Again, I probably look like a wreck when I'm not in the classroom physically. I'll stop before I scare people.

And that leads up to the present. I likely.... was born with some kind of autism and my family used dark psychology, torture, and crime to and around me. This has impacted my brain executive functions when I'm not teaching. I don't have contemporary knowledge of what is normal to most people. I have no idea how to recover. I'm thinking of quitting teaching, finally. I love the occupation. But.. I don't think I have any skills besides classroom management and pedagogy? I never tried and at this point, as a 38 year old male, it's difficult. To compound matters, I'm married to a loving yet very obliging woman with a house and a mortgage, so I need to be intelligent about this.  My financial burden isn't too crazy and we can survive so long as both of us work.

I'm... not asking for advice on what to do. I know if I do a psych elevation, I'll receive much more information than I already know. It might cause me to snap even further. I'm already considering tapping out and just finding a tiny home and committing to my art. (I took up art six months ago to cope after a year and a half of journaling. Prior to that, I drowned myself in wine and wow.)

I guess.. does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this? I already reported it. I'm trying to recover. Also, my sister is a doctor, my brother is an engineer, and my mother / father run their business. But because they're spooked, I highly doubt they have the enhanced funds from before to do anything. I'm great with kids and the disabled. However, I'm scared of new things and scared of normal adults. It's like.. adults need to be damaged as well for me to relate to them.

What should I do? I'm good at my career but it's killing me, I feel. I have to use all my dark memories and convert it into positivity because I refuse to allow kids to be subjected to the same evils I experienced. I'm also afaird proper medication to help me would reduce my effectiveness in my occupation since I utilize my accelerated thoughts to calculate the appropriate reactions for multiple types of students' personalities all at once. (in addition to the pedagogical needs, foundations, and subroutines inherent in a good lesson.) Normal people think I'm smart because of this. In reality, I'm just traumatized. lol

[Teacherwithadarkpast]

Also.. thank you for reading this. I really have no idea what to do besides continue until I mentally snap one day. My insurance, while good, doesn't cover neuro-psych evaluations. I'm also seeing a new doctor in a few weeks. When I mentioned this to my previous doctor, I think he was offended at the idea that another doctor would do this.

I've been going to therapy. The first year was pointless. But, the new one has a lot more positivity.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. Your life, thus far, sounds like a very painful journey. There has to be so much that you are trying to work through and heal from. I am just so sorry for the abuse, pain, confusion, and terrible circumstances you were exposed to and subjected to.

In all of this, you have grown beyond prejudice and made a life for yourself with a career you love. There is so much that you have built for yourself in spite of the pain of your family of origins' behaviors.

Finding some medical support, along with the therapy you are already doing, is a wise choice as this is a lot to address in your life.

What we do here at Out of the FOG is offer peer support to people who have a loved one, or loved ones, who show characteristics of personality disorders. We can support you as look for insights and strategies to handle difficult behaviors in family members, friends, coworkers. Is that something that would be a support to you?

Take a look at the toolbox and traits information, the resources at the tabs at the top of the page and across the forum to see if what we offer here is a good fit for your needs.

I wish you every good thing in your healing journey!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have been through a lot. Yet, you are still standing and contributing in a positive way.
You get joy out of teaching and you are good at it. Your experiences help you in your task. How can you find a way to tap into your knowledge without letting the emotions from the past overwhelm you?