Realizing I’m Ok only when I need help

[Montrell79]

Has anyone ever felt the need to edit the good parts of their life because their uPD mom only acts supportive and loving if she feels you "need" her?

If I'm happy about something in my life and try to tell my uPD mom, she will just change the subject to her or something she is angry about.

If something bad happens to me, she is my biggest cheerleader.  It's the only role she knows how to play.

I wish she could be happy for me when everything is going well. But she can't. And I accept that. Some days it just really hits me how much of my life I can't share with her because I know it will trigger her jealousy.

Anyone out there that can relate?

[Sneezy]

Hi Montrell79 - Yes, I can absolutely relate.  My mom (covert NPD) thrives on drama, especially when it's bad news.  Anything negative feeds what I refer to as her black hole of despair.  What she likes even better is to be the first one to hear of something bad, so that she can be the one to pass the bad news on to others.  And she also really enjoys swooping in to "help."  I put "help" in quotes because her idea of helping is to call non-stop to get details that she can then pass on to others.

I edit both bad news and good news when I talk to my mom.  I give her the smoothed-over, high-level version of pretty much everything.  And I am especially careful not to share too much good news, as she, like your mom, can get jealous.  I remember calling her when we were all locked down due to covid.  She asked where I was and I told her I was sitting outside as it was a nice day.  She blew a gasket!  I mean, she just went off on a rant about how unfair it was that I had a yard and could go outside and she was stuck in an apartment.  It was truly one of her most outrageous melt-downs that ended with a wail of "I don't have a liiiiifffffeeeee!!!"  Truly epic.

I think you are smart to edit what you tell your mom.  Use medium chill, keep it light and breezy.  No sense in triggering her jealousy, but at the same time you probably don't want to feed her the narcissistic supply of doom that she wants either.

Good luck!!!

[Montrell79]

Thanks Sneezy! You certainly can relate. I appreciate your advice about using medium chill. I don't know if this ever happens to you, but sometimes I have great conversations with my mom for a longer stretch (a few months) and I actually enjoy talking to her. Then I make the mistake of letting my guard down, share too much, an suddenly she turns on me and reminds me that I'm dealing with someone who will find any way to shift the focus of everyone's attention to how she is chronically victimized. Silly me! Back to medium chill it is. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes, I can relate. My uNPD mother used to love talking to me everyday when I had some drama going on. I couldn't find a better person to listen to my stuff. Cheerleader is the perfect description. But guess what? It came back to haunt me. Now she knows things about my life that I never told anyone else and I shouldn't have told her! She would get jealous when I'd tell her good stuff. Hard to believe a mother would be jealous of good things happening to her child. She'd make snide remarks or put downs when I'd mention the good things. Kind of like the twilight zone.

Now I don't tell her anything about anyone good or bad. It must seem to her I've turned into the most boring person ever.

[Sneezy]

I'm dealing with someone who will find any way to shift the focus of everyone's attention to how she is chronically victimized.

This is classic behavior from someone with a PD.  Someone on this forum pointed me to Dr. Fox, and his videos were incredibly helpful for me.  If you go to youtube and search for Dr. Daniel Fox, you may find some interesting insights.  I've watched everything he has on covert narcissism and he is spot on.

Hard to believe a mother would be jealous of good things happening to her child. 

SunnyMeadow - Yes, it's unbelievable, isn't it?  Maybe one of the most hurtful parts.  After my mom's husband died, she made remarks to me that at least I had someone and how lucky I was to not be alone, etc.  I don't have a direct quote, but it felt like she was jealous that my husband was still alive, while hers wasn't.  Like she wanted me to be a widow, too.  How sick is that?  I wouldn't wish a deceased spouse on anyone, and certainly not on my children.

[Montrell79]

Sneezy - thank you for recommending Daniel Fox. I'll check it out! I definitely think my uBPD mom has ND traits. It helps to understand there's a name for the craziness.

SunnyMeadow- my mom is also a widow and she hates my husband.  Brings up a chance to put him down every chance she gets.
She also brings up how much she hated my dad while he was still alive which is just beyond hurtful and inappropriate since that's my dad and I love him.
We have a right be happy! Even if our mom isn't.
It took me many years to realize that.

[Liketheducks]

OMG....I can SO identify with this.   
I'm VLC and/or NC with CHILL anytime I speak with my parents.      Anytime I'd share the good things, I'd get an earful about how things can "change in an instant".    One time, my husband surprised me with a new to me car.   We had talked about what I wanted, what was in our budget, etc.   My husband found a very gently used BMW convertible.   It was something I never would have thought I would buy, as a "luxury" car.  It was also 15 years old and had been kept in a one owner garage.   Husband had hit it out of the park for me.   I loved that car.   And that he had taken so much car and effort to find me something that I would love meant the world to me.   When I shared it with my dad....his response was "well, be careful....they get car jacked more than any other brand".   WTAF??    It wasn't true, nor was he at all concerned that someone would carjack me....he just wanted to bring me down to his level.

Mom does same.   Don't get so high and mighty....the shoe can always drop.   Talk about instilling fear of happiness!    As a parent myself, I don't understand it AT ALL.   When my kiddo has good things happen to him, I'm excited for him....happy for him....happy that he's enjoying his life.    I WANT him to be happy.   I want his life to be MORE full of adventures and wonder than mine was.   Isn't that the whole point??       

[Montrell79]

Liketheducks- your parents reaction over the BMV is baffling, but relatable as I've had similar situations where I was shamed about buying something new or receiving  a gift from someone.
For PD parents, it's not acceptable for their child to be happy and stable and optimistic the future.  They must warn us of the dangers of being naive and hoping for the best.

Normally if I'm not supportive of a plan/impulsive idea that my loved one is excited about, I may offer a word of caution out of concern.  It's because I'm genuinely worried and trying to prevent them from making a bad decision.

It would be easier to accept the doom and gloom from PD parents if it was coming from a place of compassion, but it's not.

They make sure to tell you every chance they get about why things will go wrong for you, because it always does for them.

[Cat of the Canals]

Like Sneezy, I edit both the good and the bad with my PDmom. If I tell her good news, she runs off to tell everyone, but exaggerates every detail. Then I'm left in the position of having to correct people about how my good news isn't quite as good as they've heard. Which is not only embarrassing but always leaves me wondering why my actual accomplishment wasn't good enough as is...

If I tell her bad news, she has one of three reactions:
1. glosses over it and pretends it's really not a big deal at all (like when my cat was really sick and she told me, "Well there are plenty of other cats in the world.")
2. goes into total catastrophe mode, and then it becomes about me comforting her even though it's my problem (like when I had to have surgery and my main worry the entire time was reassuring her.)
3. uses the fact that I'm vulnerable to mine me for salacious details. (like when she asked me a bunch of invasive questions about my BIL's suicide.)

[bee well]

Hi Montrell,

I'm going to add to the chorus here...

I'm very sorry about the lack of validation you are dealing with. It can be very disheartening, even when we have accepted we can't change the behaviour.

Certain individuals have a way of making anything we share into an uncomfortable conversation, whether it be good or bad news.

What is described here is something I have noticed with many uPD family members, and unfortunately some friends (my address book has slimmed down quite a bit since I have been coming Out of the FOG).

As a result, I am also very limited about what I share, and have gotten quite familiar with greyrocking.

Cat of the Canals' examples sum up what seems to be part of a PD playbook--"glossing over, in catastrophe mode, and mining for salacious details." Cat of the Canals, I am sad for the circumstances and your Mom's reaction to what you shared.

The more I read in here the more I realize we are not alone. Our stories and our pain is unique, but we are not alone...

[Happy apart from this!]

I absolutely relate to this. Every time something wonderful happens to me to erupts. We just had the most wonderful wedding. She had a fantastic day, witnessed by everyone! But two weeks later I get a horrible text about how awful i was and didnt talk to her! That she never wants to talk to me again....that was a reply to asking her to join us for Xmas!
Does anyone else get horrible texts, but then at the end she will say "but i really love you. A mothers love is unconditional!"  That's after telling me my dead grandfathers would be ashamed of me!

[NarcKiddo]

"but i really love you. A mothers love is unconditional!" 

This resonates. Mine does not say outright she is ashamed but it was always made clear if I was too fat or not good enough at whatever endeavour I was enjoying that she did not like for whatever reason. She would agree with me when I complained I was ugly and would then set about helping me make the best of myself because she loved me. If I did not mention a flaw she would point it out and then swoop down to help me improve it. She would rage at the inconvenience of having children who needed things like medical care or new shoes or whatever. All these things required her to undertake tiresome errands instead of what she wanted to be doing (drinking gin with her friends). Although she would always undertake the errands, so we were not physically neglected, she would lose no opportunity to point out that she was only doing it because a mother's love is unconditional.

[atticusfinch]

Yes! I relate to this so much. I have been struggling lately, realizing that I have a problematic pattern of self-sabotaging when I get close to succeeding at something. I think this comes from a childhood where I was both expected to be the best at things to make her look good, but also to fail so that she could hold it over my head and to soothe her abandonment fears because if I'm always screwing up, then I'll need her forever--does that make sense? I definitely also have a pattern of being negative at times, and I think that also began as a survival mechanism, because if things were going well, abuse would be forthcoming. I noticed this with my NPD ex, too. He was only happy if I was suffering, so sometimes, I think I'd unconsciously act as if everything was hard/bad just to protect myself?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, Atticus, everything you wrote rings all the bells for me, too. That push-pull of you have to be the best, but if you do succeed, you'll be knocked right back down again. So you start doing it to yourself. Jay Reid talks about this phenomenon, but I can't remember which video. The sad thing is I've been NC six years, and I still catch myself in self-sabotage.

[olivegirl]

My PD mother is sadistic to the point that she smears me to others and then enjoys a front seat in hearing my bewilderment and anguish when I get snubbed.

It took me awhile to figure out she was behind it all.

She thinks she is very cunning in how she hides her hand and would call me "paranoid."

If I am happy or things are going well, she gets jealous and backstabs me.

If I am detached, she sees it as proof that I am melancholy and she gets a perverse satisfaction in isolating me and denigrating my character.  Grade A supply!

Grey rocking and Low Contact was so draining for me and it also amped up her triangulation and smear campaign against me.

I finally had to go NC AND inform others that I am permanently estranged from my mother.

Astonishingly, evert relative (thus far) has supported me! 

I imagine when she gets older that I will receive some pressure.

What I learned is that my PD mother is not as covert as I thought. 

And that protecting my peace is self-care.