Shocking discovery

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

Recently, I've been thinking about something that many people have told me-that I am very smart. I didn't think much of it but then but..I started learning programming and it's amazing how fast I learn everything in the class I am taking. It feels as if I already knew programming before even learning programming.
So I decided to check my IQ levels (there are plenty of tests online) and lo and behold. I have a gifted level of intelligence (which is above high level).

I took the IQ test in my faculty years as well and it gave me the same results: it was over 120. In my college years I thought I was stupid and didn't believe that I have anything good in me-although my grades were great and never failed an exam.

Now I realize that all this time, I told myself I am average or even stupid and nothing good could come out of me because my parents used to think this about me.
I remember my mother used to call me stupid ALL the time while I was a teen (and during my bachelor's years) and I think I believed her.

It is shocking to discover that I am gifted because I didn't really do anything with my intelligence all my life. I had menial, low-paying jobs that didn't require me to use my brains, and didn't do anything in particular to earn money from my intelligence or creativity.
This is freaking me out because I'm already 41 now and I feel it is too late to do something about it.

It's horrible to waste your life and your talents due to the abuse from your parents. I can't believe I let them convince me there's nothing good or special about me. 

Has anyone here discovered the same thing and how did you handle it? I feel I can't win due to what my FOO has done to me.       

[NarcKiddo]

I know the feeling, but would like to reassure you that it is not too late. You are learning programming! That's great.

There are certain things I now cannot realistically do. I only discovered a love of physical activity late in life. It was hugely discouraged by my parents. Psychometric tests done at school in connection with possible careers came up solidly as police/armed forces and, knowing what I know now, would have been excellent choices for me. I'm in my 50s so it really is too late for that. But I can still enjoy my physical activity, so I do.

I used to love art and got good marks. But my mother dismissed my stuff as daubs and said the teacher must be an idiot, so that was squashed. I've recently taken it up again, which was actually terrifying because my mother loves doing art work and constantly shows off her stuff, expecting adulation. The last thing I want to be is like my mother and it took my therapist to convince me that my mother does not have the monopoly on enjoying art. So I have started a class. Like you and your programming, I am finding that pretty decent art work is just flooding out of me. Yes, there is improvement to be made, but I can produce stuff that I am actually quite proud of, which is saying something for a perfectionist such as myself.

You need to embrace what you are good at and enjoy, and do it now. Try not to let your resentment at your FOO spoil your future just because it has tainted your past.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi mary_poppins,

There's a youtube interview with Dr. Lindsay Gibson where she talks about a client who was raised by emotionally immature parents. The client was older (I think in her 70's) and discovered the same thing. That she had been gifted, with a high IQ, but her parents being EIP's, they couldn't see it or care about it or nurture it the way healthy parents would have. Gibson talks about how this client had not lived her life knowing this about herself, and it was an example of how EIP parents affect their kids.

If I find the interview I'll post it in the media resources.

Oddly, I was thinking about this yesterday. That so many of us here probably had traits or talents that were missed because our parents were too emotionally immature and self-involved to get to know us.

Lindsay Gibson defines the EIP person as someone who has several traits, one being that they are narcissistic / self-absorbed. Their emotional maturity didn't progress 'normally' and so they are stunted. Adults who function at the age of a 6 or 8 or 13 year old - as she says in multiple interviews. Those adults often fail to recognize many of their children's needs, because they are focused on themselves and do not have enough empathy to nurture their children's talents and skills.

I'm sorry you had this long path to discover this really valuable trait about you! You are SO right, you can't win with dysfunctional abusive FOO. Mine told me that I was "smart" and would use that to ignore me! I was clearly able to raise myself.  So no, we can't win, there was no way to win in these families. No matter what method they used (telling us we are not smart/ or too smart) we were not nurtured the way we needed.

I really think you'll find some ways to connect with this new knowledge about yourself in some positive ways, it will take some time. The shock of this news must be a lot to take in.

Hugs...

Trees

[Boat Babe]

Hey Mary Poppins. You absolutely can do amazing things in mid life and now is the time to really go for it. It totaly sucks that in addition to all the other shit we had to put up with as children we were never encouraged to flourish, discover our talents and understand our potential. I would also add that social and economic structures in most cultures mean that so many gifted and talented children never flourish. I have met so many bright people who never had a chance to shine. It's really sad. My story is similar - I was a super bright child looking back on things - always in the top 3  of my school year even though I was one of the youngest in the academic year and was definiteily traumatised and not coming from a home that had books in it. My mother wanted me to go to work at 16 and contribute to the household so that's what I did. Her  great ambition for me was to "work in an office" so that's what I did - I was bored witless!  I eventually went to university at the age of 32 and qualified as a Modern Languages Teacher and didn't start my actual teaching career until my late thirties. WIth hindsight, I should have gone into Law but that was my mistake and nothing to do with my mother.