Reconciling dad's anger with the good things

[countrygirl]

This is truly an amazing thread.  Thank you, Blueberry Pancakes.  So many of us can relate.  My father has passed some years ago, but I still grapple with how to feel about him.  Every time I feel sad--and this started with his decline and intensified around the time of his death--I also feel anger and confusion.  Did he love me?  If he did, why did he treat me so badly? 

I have grieved, but I can't let myself "relax" into the grief, because the truth is that he did not treat me well.  In fact, in a number of ways, he treated me very badly. I have felt confused by all of this, and have spoken to my therapist about it.  Her read is that he had some good characteristics, but was a narcissist.  She says he was a complicated man.

The truth is that it's a lot to deal with; there's no getting around it.  I feel empathy for him, because his own father died when he was eleven, and his mother ten sent him and his brothers to a military boarding school, so he lost his mother and his home shortly after losing his father.  Whenever I would come to him with a problem, he would say, "I lost my father when I was eleven." 

I could write pages about all of it, but for today just want to wish all those who are suffering peace.  Thank you all for sharing.  Although I am sorry that we've all suffered so much, it is good that we can offer support to each other.  And it is true that understanding the dynamics can break the chain so that abuse and suffering doesn't continue on through future generations. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ok, yes, that is a lot. Most of our parents come from traumatic backgrounds. It was then passed on to us.

Whenever I would come to him with a problem, he would say, "I lost my father when I was eleven." 

So he knows how important a father is! Gosh. No excuse, sir!

[countrygirl]

You know, Cordelia, your comment about my father knowing how important a father is because he lost his at eleven had never occurred to me!  I guess that in the usual way that so many children think they are somehow to blame for their parents' issues, I would feel that MY problems were nothing in comparison to what my father had gone through, so I should keep quiet.  (Another reason this site is so good is that we can speak out, as many were not allowed to do when young.) 

I have a feeling that you know quite a bit about difficult fathers and trying to love them, because you are called Cordelia. 

My therapist recently said  that one of the most important things one person can do for another is to see them.  I remember first reading Lear, and wondering at how he couldn't see Cordelia's great heart and soul.  So many people here are full of love and warmth which has not been recognized, by family members, partners, co-workers and friends.   

[Boat Babe]

What Countrygirl said at the bottom of her post is why I keep coming back to this forum. I wish the rest of the internet was so wise and lovely!