Only realizing their PD after the breakup- feeling ashamed and used

[turnonthelight333]

Hi, new here.

I was broken up with this weekend by my long-distance partner. I think there were a lot of lies starting to unravel and they wanted to get out with the facade still intact. Once I caught them in a big lie (being in another relationship entirely), the light turned on. I'm realizing that our whole relationship was based on lies meant to portray them as my perfect match, my soulmate. I'm so glad I realized it as I was planning to leave my city and move in with them across the country within the year.

Even still, I am mourning the loss of the person I thought they were and the future I thought we had. It feels surreal to know that person does not really exist and they are actually something of a compulsive liar/have a personality disorder that I'm not qualified to diagnose. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for falling for the charade for so long and I don't know how to begin to trust again. I'm looking for anyone who can relate or for advice on how to move forward and heal.

[bloomie]

turnonthelight333 - hi there and a warm welcome to you! What a heartbreaking experience you have had in this relationship. I am so thankful you have found the forum community where we offer support and resources as you turn your focus to healing.

It makes perfect sense that you are mourning the loss of someone you were planning a future with. The thing is, you were sincere, honest and all in. You have NOTHING to be ashamed and embarrassed of. You were with someone who was intent on deceiving you. How could you have known or seen through intentional, deliberate deceit? They made very sure you couldn't see through the facade and I am so sorry you have been treated so terribly.

This is a place to share and gain ground as you move away from the trauma and disappointment of this relationship. We are all fellow travelers and have faced the unraveling you describe in one type of relationship or another. It hurts and I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone!

Sending you strength!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry, TOTL.  It makes sense you're grieving.  You held a dream with a person you thought your partner was.  Even though that person didn't exist, the death of a dream can be a devastating loss.

Read the posts on the boards.  They are filled with people who fell for the charade.  We understand.

Some of the best advice I got was to not rush into another relationship and to take some time to heal and to understand myself better.  Therapy with someone who understands PD's has been invaluable.  If you read the tools and resources and posts on here, there's a wealth of information also.  Let us know how you're doing.

[turnonthelight333]

Hi both of you,

Thank you for your responses. I've been surrounding myself with people who are important to me and I've decided I want to take a significant amount of time to develop my friendships, career, and relationship with myself. I told my friends at least a year and I think that is going to be difficult for me as I am someone who tends to rush into something new to avoid processing heartbreak. I know it's not fair to set a rigid timeline on my healing but I think having that set in my mind helps me to avoid the temptation to seek out a romantic relationship anytime soon. I know I can build a beautiful life without this person and I am trying to focus on doing that in the present instead of worrying about our past or our future. This present moment doesn't have room for that person.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

A therapist suggested I take at least a year off of relationships to heal.  It was excellent advice for me.  I do believe it has been a wounded relationship with myself that allowed me to tolerate such awful treatment and think that was an okay state of affairs.  Also, having grown up with pwPDs, it seemed normal.

You might read about "hoovering" as well as other things in the resources and toolbox.  I hope it all goes smoothly for you.  Leaving the FOG is a journey, sometimes a roller coaster.  We're here for you!

[Truthseeker1]

Hello and welcome to the community.  I am so sorry you had to endure that terrible experience. No one deserves to be lied to and manipulated like that. I am glad however, you realized it sooner rather than later. I had a similar experience that went on for years before I figured it out. I felt ashamed of myself and embarrassed that I had bought into the lie for so long. I was blind to it then but can see it so clearly now. I was embarrassed but then I realized that it was because of my innocence and truthfulness that I could be deceived. Those are traits I consider admirable. Had I thought like my partner was thinking I probably would've seen it much sooner.  I simply had no reason to believe that she was lying to me. That just did not even make sense in my simple but honest world.  The fact that you could be deceived like you were is actually a positive testimony of your character. You are more trusting because you are more honest. When your honesty is taken advantage of like it was you to become wiser. I'm sure you will look for signs in the next relationship. Not because you are untrustworthy but because you are now aware that some of us are cut from an entirely different cloth.  Being fooled once is nothing to be ashamed of. I felt it too and still wish it hadn't happened like it did but I am less embarrassed about it now than I was at first. I am sorry you got caught in that one but happy you are out.   I agree with the others who have recommended a time of healing.  Being emotionally healthy is probably the greatest defense to protect you from another unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but it will make you a much better partner in your forever relationship.

[sunshine702]

Personality disorders especially Narcs are unbelievably charming and our whole society is set up to reward that.  There may have been some red flags but it is very hard to see in the love bombing / future faking phase.  Until you have had some experience with it don't beat yourself up it perfectly understandable.