Grappling with Enabling Parent

[atticusfinch]

Hello all,

I grew up feeling very close to my father, who seemed like the antithesis of my NPD mother. I grew up practically idolizing him, but lately I have been struggling with some anger that I don't think I'd ever allowed myself to feel before. I know that all people who are married to an NPD person are in an impossible position (I've been there now myself, but eventually and very painfully extricated myself from an NPD husband), as they probably sense just how ugly things could get in a divorce and that, especially as a man in the 80s and 90s, they may have lost custody of their kids in a divorce, leaving the children alone with an abusive parent. I also do feel grateful for the kindnesses he showed me, since his kindness often validated to at least some degree that my mom wasn't treating me well.

That said, I've been grappling with some anger lately that he didn't do more to protect and validate me. My mom was an absolute terror and abused both my dad and us, her kids. I often stood up for him, and felt subconscious pressure from him to take his side, but now I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I felt like I had to essentially be the adult parent to both my parents. I had to help regulate my mom's emotions, partly by taking the blame for things she did, and I had to protect my dad, who was a grown-up and should have been protecting me, not the other way around.

I recently re-read some journal entries from my teenage years and the things my mom would say to me (and this is in addition to occasional hitting of me, my siblings, and my dad) are so appalling. She often said that if my parents divorced it would be my fault. She called me a slut (I didn't even kiss a boy until I was almost 20), she told me after I got back from a two week summer camp that my family didn't miss me and that they were better off without me, and she told me she couldn't picture me ever getting married because "who would want [me]." (I can't imagine saying any of these things to my children!)(And these entries were probably not even close to the worst things she said or did, since I knew anything I wrote could/would be read by my mom, who violated my privacy repeatedly and would get me in trouble for things I'd written in my journal.)

I don't know where I read this, but I swear I read in a book about NPD that the enablers in the relationship are just as culpable as the NPD person, as both depend on one another for things they can't/won't do themselves. So in this sense, he would represent the softer side of her that she couldn't express, and she represents his angry, abusive side that he won't express. Maybe this hits harder because they are still married, and he is a (bitter) shell of his former self, and I wonder why he has never left her, even after their nest emptied, and part of me just thinks that it's because he is dependent on her and that despite his protests, he subconsciously likes the things she says/does, and that the awful things she does represent him as much as they do her. Does that make sense?

To add insult to injury, the other day I made an offhand comment to him about how I wish my kids were more motivated--I had been a lot more self-motivated at their age. (To be fair, my kids are wonderful students, and we don't have the money or time for many extracurriculars, but they also just seem to want to lay around constantly and watch TV.) And he said something to the effect of "say what you will about your mother, but she has her good points"--basically inferring that her abuse was justified because it made my siblings and I such high achievers (and we all have had major issues in our adult relationships!). This hit me hard, because it felt like he was saying out loud exactly what I thought he'd been feeling unconsciously all these years. I didn't say much back, but I did say that the way she made us into high achievers has given me a lifelong sense that I'm never enough, no matter what I do, and that I base all my worth on my achievements.

I'd rather have my kids feel unconditionally loved and if the side-effect of that is that they don't feel driven to achieve, I'm fine with that. But this conversation has had me feeling so off-balance ever since. The way my mom treated me has been devastating and has affected my whole adult life. I married a man just like her and suffered horrendous abuse and eventually had to risk my life to leave him. Now I am a single mom, struggling to get by, struggling to help my kids overcome what my ex did to them and still does... I struggle to trust anyone (I haven't dated in three years), and I have major, major issues with my self-esteem to the point where, last year, I was as low as a person could go. So my question is, has anyone else been through this? How have you grappled with an enabling parent?

[donutmoonpanda]

A therapist told me this once: To a child the enabling parent seems like a "co-victim." But they're an adult and they're actually a "co-abuser."

I can only speak for myself here. I had an NPD dad and an enabling mother. They are divorced today, through a series of comedic events, but if she had it her way they would still be together.

My father was physically, sexually, and mentally abusive to me. I struggled for years to wrap my head around what my mother knew, whether she knew better, what she could have done for us kids. But as I reached middle age, it became much more clear that she was in fact a co-abuser and not a co-victim. She knew more than enough. She witnessed 90 percent of the abuse herself. She never intervened in any way. She sometimes got us kids into trouble with Dad. And she really approved of everything he did. In fact, if anyone was in the wrong, she probably looked at us kids as the spoiled brats who deserved whatever we got. She never looked out for us in any way, it's not like she encouraged us to go away to university or something so we could get away from the toxic environment we grew up in. She wanted us close even after we finished high school because that's what dad wanted and she wanted whatever he wanted.

Today my mom can see the ways dad was unfair to her, but she's really never acknowledged that he was criminal to his children. She doesn't outright disagree that we were abused, but she just kind of nods along like she doesn't care, certainly doesn't want to rehash the details. She's outright gaslit me claiming she wasn't present for abuse when she was. She's never apologized to us. She wouldn't even speak to us about it.

I am NC with both parents now. It was always obvious to me that if I ever wanted to be happy in this life I could never have contact with my father. Mom was the harder nut to crack. It took such a long time to see her for what she really is. I just keep zooming out as I age and I can see very plainly that my upbringing was very obviously wrong, ugly, abusive. It was easy to spot, and if someone loved me they would have moved heaven and earth to remove me from that situation.

My advice is to listen to your gut. Validate your feelings and explore them. You are an informed and experienced person that has all the tools one could need to see and understand the truth.

--Oh and anger. Yes, anger. So much of C-PTSD has been learning to manage anxiety, but when I began to deal with my resentment surrounding my enabling mother, that's when I had to learn how to feel and move through this ocean of anger.

[NarcKiddo]

 

When I first started to realise that my mother is a narcissist (undiagnosed), I started reading about the phenomenon and the typical family structures and I came to the conclusion my father is the enabler. Since starting therapy my therapist has suggested, and I agree, that my father is also a narcissist. Lucky me!

However, the family dynamic does play out in some ways as if he was an enabler, except that he has never really done anything to appease her unless her behaviour was having a direct impact on him. Then he would happily throw the children under the bus. Otherwise he simply looked the other way or was not there.

My father is certainly capable of saying my mother has her good points. In that he is not wrong, since nobody is all bad. But he would say such a thing for his own comfort, much as atticusfinch's father. In fact I recently found a letter he wrote to me many years ago. I had left home but my sister was in her mid teens. She had been having an argument with my mother and he wrote to tell me there had been problems and that he had told my sister basically to pander to mother. Of course not put in those terms. He wanted me to reinforce the message that mother must be mollified. I did not spot it at the time because I was still firmly in the FOO FOG, but when I read it recently it struck me how there was no care whatsoever paid to the feelings of the child.

[notrightinthehead]

Atticusfinch,  I have no doubt that your enabling father caused you a lot of damage and pain. And as donutmoonpanda writes, there is probably an ocean of anger to cross in your journey going forward. But - you are not your trauma. You are not your past. You are a survivor! Work on that low self esteem. Do everything you can to create a kind and loving inner core. There is meditation, hypnosis, therapy, mindfulness, affirmations, work books, self help groups. At one stage I googled "how to learn to love myself" and printed some of the results out. I followed the suggestions religiously.
Do whatever you can to work on your healing. Forget your parents, they are in your past. Work on your future. As long as from now on, you will not allow them to cause you any more damage, and put your energy into being kind, loving and compassionate with yourself, you are on the right track.
I am sorry you had such bad parenting, but look at yourself! You chose to leave an abusive marriage and you try to parent your kids in a better way than you suffered. Already you are making a difference.

[atticusfinch]

donutmoonpanda, I'm so sorry for the ways that your parents let you down and weren't there for you when you needed it most. I can't imagine how painful that must have been but I admire you for working through it and for protecting yourself now. I can definitely relate so much to what you wrote! Thanks for putting words to it by saying they seemed like a "co-victim" when in fact they are a co-abuser. That really made me think. I definitely saw it that way, and I've developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result. I am going to work on myself with this in mind--rewinding some of my childhood beliefs that kept me safe then but don't serve me now.

NarcKiddo, it must have been so painful to figure out that your dad wasn't just an enabler, but narcissistic as well. I hope that finding that out also led to some healing? Whenever I gain a new insight like this, it is painful to process but also usually helps me heal, too. Thanks for your reply--it really meant a lot to me.

Notrightinthehead, thanks for saying this. One reason I have had my parents on my mind so much lately is that I started writing a memoir in hopes of exorcising my demons, which it did to an extent, but it also brought some of the abuse into full relief and made me relive it in painful ways. (my parents also moved to my neighborhood and I'm convinced that my mom wants me to revert to being dependent on them. It's hard to put in the boundaries I need to when I am a struggling single mom and need the help! Otherwise I'd keep more distance between us.) But even without that, I have been so stuck lately, feeling like I'm just too broken to fix. I stopped dating a few years ago because, to an extent, I kept making poor dating choices despite a bunch of work I did on myself, which led me to the conclusion that maybe the damage from my childhood is permanent and I just need to accept that it made me no good in relationships. I feel so much guilt for exposing my kids to an abusive man (their dad) and I guess I felt that the one way to avoid ever going through that again is just to avoid it completely? Despite educating myself on red flags, etc, I eventually decided that my "chooser" is broken, because I wasn't seeing red flags until months into a relationship. Thanks for the reminders about working on myself. It is so much easier to just wallow in my little pool of self-pity than to move forward.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry she treated you like that.   

I've been in counseling for a very, very long time.   I've found it helps me to handle life so much better, getting that support.   But, one thing struck me that might be useful.   For the longest time, my counselors wouldn't diagnose my parents....they'd say, they have narc tendencies, etc.   When I switched to a new one a few years back....she said, it is highly likely that your father does indeed have NPD - overt and that your mother has BPD.   When I mentioned that no one had ever named a diagnosis of them while treating me.....she said, I can diagnose them because your symptoms present as a textbook version of the child of a NPD and BPD.   She said it is a common pairing.   

Another thing that struck me is that as children in that situation, we HAVE to have a "stable" parent.   Mom definitely enabled Dad in our family.   In his abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction.   I won't diminish how difficult it would have been for her to divorce with 3 children and no income, no skills in the 1970's.   But, looking back on that time as an adult, I can see that it was a macabre dance they did together.   Now that my mom is older, her more toxic traits are increasingly more obvious.   But, as a kid, she was the one I clung to.   She was my stable parent.   

As a parent myself now, I consider the state of my marriage, boundaries within it, our way of relating to each other one of my priorities as a parent.  If my relationship with my son's father (whether or not we stay married) isn't healthy, how can we parent in a healthy way?   

[brickwork]

This is a very interesting thread.  I too have wondered about this - were they exactly one half of the problem!

Slightly off title, but on a related note, what of the adult sibling who for years continue to enable the NPD/BPD parent in the same way the spouse of the NPD/BPD parent did.  The sibling who takes the place of the enabling spouse who is no longer there (for whatever reasons). 

The sibling who themselves receive (or received) varying levels of abuse and recognize that the way NPD/BPD parent behaves is dreadful, but for reasons that are good enough for them stay aligned with them.  Its like they always seem to be able to let whatever happens go - sweep the nasty stuff under the carpet for the sake of keeping the status quo.  Maybe its easier to take the path of least resistance and following through on a more healthy course of action is likely to blow up their lives too much. And that is scary!

FWIW I don't think such an adult sibling should get a pass because they are the child of an NPD/BPD parent.  They are abusers and are continuing the cycle of abuse.

My experience of an NPD/BPD parent is that as long as they have someone to validate them and their version and behaviours they're effectively (at least in their mind) bullet proof. If not a spouse, then a child is fine.   They can act outrageously but if someone close to them says its OK or passively stands by quietly (which seems to be more common with enablers),they feel justified. 

Enablers are the worst really!

[Liketheducks]

Brickwork.....interesting.   That would jive with the parentification that is so common in our families.

[NotCryingGlitter]

she told me she couldn't picture me ever getting married because "who would want [me]."

You're not alone in this happening.

By the way, I'm so glad you got out, but please look into a group or individual therapy/counseling option at a local domestic violence shelter, as it might provide a lot of guidance. 

And don't give up on love. Although it seems rare, there are good men out there.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bradpaisley/hedidnthavetobe.html

When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes

And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be

[bloomie]

atticusfinch - what a powerful post and thread you have going here. My heart breaks thinking of all that you have been through at the hands of those who were entrusted with your beautiful little soul. I am just so sorry and also in awe and grateful how you continue to gain ground in your healing and how you grow in wisdom and insights. 

It is clear, from just sitting this side of the screen from you, that you are stronger than you know and are determined to continue making a good and safe life with your precious children under difficult circumstances.

Learning about narcissistic, or disordered family systems was one of the most helpful ways of understanding the disordered, crazy dance between my uBPD/HPD mother and my uHPD father. The family system, everything and everyone in it, was there to serve my parents and the survival of their toxic relationship.

My, ah shucks, seemingly sweet ole' country boy of a father and my glamorous, riveting mother switched roles all of the time between abuser and enabler. Unstable and stable. Out of balance and counter balance. All that really ever mattered, looking back now, was them. As sibs, anything and everything about us was through the lens of how we served or threatened their relationship and/or their image.

Because my father could show affection and occasionally offer a word of affirmation, I saw him as safe. What made that even more dangerous to me is that I was not ready when he would turn on a dime and hurl abuse of all kinds. I was living in a constant state of gaslighting in that relationship.

And I had no idea for a very long time how to reconcile it all without a great deal of guilt and shame. Because... of course, I was the problem as I was told many, many times.

Oh, but then one day, dear Atticus I sat opposite a therapist and could not stop crying. I rarely cry. Crying would bring physical abuse as a child, so very stoic. I said to the T: "I guess I am just really sad." and she said to me: "I think you are actually really mad." And you know what, she was 100% correct.

Everything I had stuffed in that suitcase that was my pain, the injustices, the use and abuse, all of it was stuffed in there and all of a sudden it burst open and everything came popping out. And as I gathered it all up to choose what to do with it all, I got mad. I got mad for little Bloomie. A normal little, loving girl who had suffered a lot at the hands of two of the most immature, egocentric human beings I have ever encountered.

I learned that anger is an energizer and that it often is telling that my boundaries have been violated and needs not met. Hoo Boy! Determined to work through it and not stuff it all back in that suitcase, I wrote in an anger journal. I just wrote and wrote and said whatever I needed to say in a way that hurt no one and got it out. Then I gave each thing over to God and entrusted the injustice of it all to Him. And I did that for as long as I needed and as many times as it took to expunge the ugliness of it all from my life. I refused to drag that suitcase, stuffed with all that junk, into the future. But, I had to feel it, move through it, honor myself in it all.

Keep moving forward. Keep coming back for encouragement and support. Continue to allow yourself the grace and love you are showing your beautiful children. Be gentle with yourself.