BBB and elderly parents in the US

[Liketheducks]

I've just started lurking here. 

I'm nearly NC with Dad a veteran, remarried, and very infirm.   Occasionally, I'll get a call from his wife to fill me in on his health situation.    I haven't had a relationship with him in nearly 30 years.   He was a violent alcoholic who at one time pointed a gun at me.   After that, I tapped out of a relationship with him.  They live several states away.   

I'm VLC with my mom, who is currently in a subsidized senior living apartment.   She's had some heart issues and lives locally.   I usually get a phone call only when she needs something.   It's all or nothing.  Best I could describe her is "tricky".   She exhibits many narcissistic traits.   When I was a child, she was the "stable" parent.   As I've grown, I've realized her behavior was/is just as problematic but in a different way.

Both are approaching their late seventies.   My dad is on VA benefits, SS, and Medicare.   Mom is on SS and Medicare.   Not to get into the politics of it, but the passing of the "big beautiful bill" has me panicking.   I can't care for either of them.   Did a stint where mom lived with me in the past.   Living through that, the aftermath, and recovering....was something I definitely don't want to repeat.   

Dad's wife can and is caring for him.   Mom doesn't having anyone.   My only surviving sibling cut her off, with very good reason, years ago.   I'm not getting the phone calls at the moment, but the thought of them has me in a panic.   

[xredshoesx]

best advice I can give is to find out what your state's laws are- if any- about filial responsibility, and then based on that talk to a good attorney about what you need to be prepared to do moving forward.

I was my grandmother's responsible party (both financial and medical LOA) and it's a lot.  my heart goes out to you. 

[TimetoHeal]

I feel for you too.  red shoes advice is spot on.  I think it does vary a lot from state to state.  But yeah, the BBB scares me too.  My mom has money my dad left her, but with AL costing 10 grand a month, that can only last so long.

Anyway, it's hard for anyone to advise you when we don't know your state's laws.  But I would not offer anything up front, such as offering for either of them to live with you or you to care for them in any way.  Take it one day at a time and find out all the information you can.  And it sounds like they are stable for now, so there is no decisions to be made at this time. 

[walking on broken glass]

I don't have anything useful to say, Like the ducks, but I do feel for you. Reading about all this from the other side of the Atlantic makes me so sad. I hope there is a solution where you reside. Sending you good wishes and hugs 

[doglady]

I am also reading from outside the US (Australia), so have no good advice either - only that I really do feel for many people in the US right now. The BBB sounds awful from what I've read of it. Not beautiful at all.

Not offering to have your mother live with you sounds like a very sensible idea. I hope your state has a good solution for you and that you're not left in a difficult situation.