Lost my reality

[Dadismyname]

This is my first post. I'm hoping for some feedback and ideas to stay grounded to reality. I have 5 kids with my uOCPDw (did I do the acronyms right?) and have been married for 13yrs. My mental and physical health started suffering about 5/6 years ago from the anxiety and pressure of trying to live up to her ideal which, it turns out, is impossible.

About a year ago, a therapist convinced me to stop enabling and start setting boundaries and the outcome has been a little more peace for me but substantial exposure of her disorder. Nowadays, her biggest complaints are about my "disconnection" and how "unpredictable" I've become.

I'm just curious at this point if my confusion is common. I struggle to know if I'm being reasonable or not. She is going to counseling and certain parts of her behavior has improved but her underlying untrue beliefs have not. She is kind most of the times but then something she does reminds me that she sees me as inadequate and below her and it triggers me. I get angry then feel confused if I'm just bitter or am I responding appropriately? Our friends don't see any of this and blame me for the sob story she tells. I would have left already but I don't want to lose daily interactions with my kids. In fact, I feel guilty for even considering leaving them with her for 5 days a week alone (ages 3-10).

I get lost in the space between my reality and hers. And decision making, which usually comes very easy to me, seems impossible. The biggest risk I fear is that I'm making excuses because I'm unhappy. She constantly reminds me that our problems belong to both of us but that's not what our couples counselor says. It's all so confusing.

[Dadismyname]

Wow. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Easy enough to quit couples counseling, she quit. Which is standard. We've seen four different counselors in the last five years. As soon as they start calling her out, she quits and looks for someone who "will understand her".

[escapingman]

Can't tell you how many people on the forum have the exact same story!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 

Being in the fog for me was all about feeling confused and like you, my health (physical and mental) suffered.

Great advice user.

I second don't do couples therapy - PD's can be very good at manipulating the sessions, what a waste of time.

Good luck to you

[Boat Babe]

Hi Dadismyname. Welcome to the forum where you will find real validation of your lived experience and much wisdom about how you can best proceed. I just wanted to flage up from the number of    icons that just popped up that one of the indicators of PDs is the predictability of behaviours. Basically you are seeing the pathology of the condition. So someone with BPD will always react with high drama if they even sense a whiff of abandonment(usually percieved rather than real) and someone with NPD will make every situation about themselves, often at great cost to everyone around them (like sabotaging YOUR birthday cos it's not about them) I could go on.
This is actually a useful insight for you to have so that you be less reactive when it happens. Observe, don't absorb. Hugs.

[Dadismyname]

Thanks everyone! I'm working through users's suggested reading and enjoy the videos as well. I'm realizing that the behaviors I'm familiar with are not normal - it's a strange paradigm shift.
 

[1footouttadefog]

I read that you are at least for now waiting it out for the sake of the kids, or at least this is an important part of it all.

I understand this well.

We all need holistic care, and ultimately it's our job to see we are cared for.  I would create a life within this life.  This way you have space for self care.  PD people have a way of taking this away from the non a bit at a time.  Push back and take your life back.  There are many boundaries and tools to be found on this site. 

One of the first ways I took back a little piece of my life was taking a separate car to church. In this way he, who is normally punctual to the extreme and uses punctuality as a club, was always making me late.  Then after he would ruin coffee hour if he was not the center of attention in any conversation I was having.  Separate cars meant he could come late and leave early and I still had my social hour after and was not kept from my chosen obligations with being too late for them, choir and setting up for things or being early because it was my week to do nursery duty etc. 

A next big move for me was to leave kitchen drama.  He would always stir up drama in the kitchen, I started turning off the burners or just ven removing food as needed to prevent scorching and I would leave the kitchen so he could take care of the emergency at hand, like my having dribble water of my hands onto stove top or floor when I realized it was time to flip something or stor something whilewashing a utensil or cutting board.  I would simply say, okay, Let me get out of your way while you handle that.  I also abandoned if he was starting or continuing an argument or circular conversation. 

Next and biggest move, was that I took over a partially unfinished room in our basement.  I put a chair and some assorted belongings in there and created a place to read and use my computer.  I became protective of it and would not let him come there to argue.  If he came down the basement stairs I met him in the open area. He had a bad habit of following me or making trips to my space to interrupt me with sensational and hyperbolized presentations of the news headlines.  Or any other high drama topics.  I eventually got to the point where ai said I am off for the night is there any news I need before I go down.  He would relate a few things and be mostly okay most nights.  It later go to where he would stop me and unload a list of things he had collected up all evening. 

I along the way added a bed and dresser and wardrobe etc and set up the room as a studio apartment. He never asked about me coming back to the shared room.  Instead he redecorated it as a shrine to himself and his military time much as his room was when we met.  I think the simplicity of living in his own space is a comfort.  He can be as weird and OCOD as he wants with no need to compromise.

A very important things was for me to have friends and activities that do not include my spouse.  The constant making everything about him was awkward for the other folks as much as it was for me.  I am much more relaxed now as I don't have as many of these interactions.  I have my own hobbies that he has no interest joining in even though he will inquire about meetings and such to live vicariously. Also, he tries to get second hand narc supply by discussing what I tell him about it with his folks.   

I wrote all this not by way of suggestion, but to illustrate that small changes and pressure applied can being about positive change even if only partial. 

[NBRiverGuy]

I'm new to all of this too, DadisMyName. As I've been reading the toolbox and other sections of this website, I've been oscillating between relief and anger. Not anger with my spouse, as I now realize how little control she has. Anger with myself for letting this go on for so long. I'm also realizing the damage that I've enabled her to do to my most treasured relationships, such as with my parents, sister's family and my best friends just by confronting her and perpetuating the conflict. I'm recognizing that I've gotten "fleas" to an extent as well. I've caught a great deal of her negative and judgemental nature, which really goes against my own. Out of the FOG is a great name for the site, as my mind has felt clearer over the past week than it has in years. That doesn't mean that there is not still an internal battle being fought, just that I understand the motives and strategies of the two sides better. Hang in there. We'll navigate this together. Just for context, I've been with my spouse for 23 years, and married for 17.