Hey! Looking for advice

[Anon173842]

Hey everyone, I just came across this forum today and thought I would post to see if anyone can provide some guidance.

Now I've been with my female partner (I am a male) for a few years and we have lived together for about 2 years. No kids but we do have cats.

During our relationship, we have both been diagnosed with ADHD. For me, the effects have been purely lack of organizational skills (Not a big issue between us as she has the same issue), hyperfocus & seeking new skills, which has been a huge positive for me and has had no negative impact on our relationship. If anything it has been an extreme benefit to us as I am a business owner and my skill development has increased financial success.

But for her, while she exhibits some of the common traits that do not cause issues, she also has an OBSESSION with social justice issues, consuming whatever the popular issue is (from the social justice perspective) and will bring it up deliberately to cause conflict.

Now I don't mean something like - her bringing up the injustice of something and asking my view or presenting new information, she goes straight to the extreme lengths with iron-clad perspectives that very often do not have any basis in reality, or rely on talking points that she only has seen on tiktok, that also often have no basis in reality and only serve as an emotional response mechanism for her to feel justified, 'empowered' etc. these are words she has used to describe it herself.

Now once again, that may not seem like a very big issue at all, but it goes further than that. I am not a person who happily accepts obvious nonsense as truth, and I will often present alternatives or factual evidence to let her know she has been misconstrued or is informed. She will die on that hill fighting for nothing, without any push from me.

Usually when she's bringing something up to me, it is obvious she is trying to seek conflict, and sometimes begins her yelling during the first introduction of the point. If it's not at the very beginning, it starts the second I do not immediately accept the information as pure truth, (I don't mean me arguing back, typically it is me asking for further information to support an egregious claim).

Here's an example:

Her - "The government is banning abortions right now" (We do not live in a place that would ever do that)

Me- Where did you see that?

Her- *starts reading some article or tiktok video outloud , not showing me*

Me- (in response to the video/article which is clearly talking about a far away place) 'that's not right, they are talking about another country'

Her-(Yelling now, accusing me of oppressing women by not immediately supporting her, as if she is genuinely being abused at that moment by the oppressors)

This sort of conversation happens 2-3 times per week and after this point, always has the exact same results depending on how I respond to her.

If I again point out the false information, or present another piece of evidence- "You're not even listening to me" (Now crying)

If I just listen and passively agree it is the same response, but also angry that I do not have an extreme reaction such as jumping to save the people.

If I say I don't want to talk about it, I am a bigot or the oppressor and she will get heated, yell louder and accuse me of various things in relation to whatever the present issue is.

This is just one of the traits that has led me to this forum. Im sorry for the long read.

Another is passively getting me to pay for things and not paying me for her portion, and then when it comes to me asking her to pay for something (Such as us both ordering food in a drive through) she is surprised and annoyed. If she is ordering food for us and about to pay for it, she will make a big point of getting me to send her money, but when i do it she will get upset and try to lie and say she has paid for things recently or that she has no money.

We both have relatively similar incomes and I have higher expenses.

She will also expect me to do things for her such as go to a store to buy her something but it is absolutely unimaginable for me to ask that of her. If I decline to go out somewhere with her, it is a huge deal, but if she declines to go somewhere with me, it's not a problem.

There are significant constant examples of lack of emotional regulation and she constantly feels victimized by anything.

We also have essentially a 'dead bedroom', it is a total toss-up when i go to initiate, maybe she will respond positively, maybe she will accuse me of taking advantage of her, I never know. But what is for-sure is that she has never initiated with me yet strongly denies that she is not sexually attracted to me.

Again sorry for the long read I'll cut it off here. It has been good to anonymously vent and I welcome advice/comments. Thank you for reading.

Edit- I feel I should also add that she obsessively labels others a narcissists (most commonly) or diagnoses others with PDs, usually when she feels wronged by another person or when someone does not do something right, or she is ultra observant of others behaviors. Maybe this is projecting.

[Anon173842]

Hi Anon,

Welcome! Thank you for posting and sharing a bit of your story.

The first thing that came to mind reading your story is that PDs cannot handle people having a differing opinion than someone else. Dr. Les Carter says something to the effect of, "they must assimilate you to their viewpoint." or he also says, "PDs have a goal to empty us of ourselves and fill us with themselves"

Now I do not know if your partner is a PD, we don't diagnose here. But I would say IF she is one, then you need to stop trying to engage in these conflicts.

The way I would handle this with my PD partner:

Her - "The government is banning abortions right now" (We do not live in a place that would ever do that)

Me: "That's interesting"

Her: "Don't you have more you want to say on the topic? Isn't that infuriating???"

Me: "No, I have nothing to add."

Essentially you are practicing techniques known as Grey Rock or Medium Chill, and being as boring as a grey rock by giving non-responses. You are  pointing out errors in her logic or false information is exactly what you don't want to do. Another way to think of it: PDs typically use "emotional reasoning" and you cannot counter emotions with facts. You might as well try to teach algebra to a seahorse. It just doesn't compute.

This is not a very fun way to live. Especially if you have strong opinions that differ from the PD partner, it can be infuriating to not voice those opinions. Especially if her opinions are about you!

Her: "You are such a conservative!" (or such a liberal, whatever would be offensive to you lol)

You: "I understand you feel that way."

End of conversation.

I would suggest for the different issues you posted about, you spend some time reading the Toolbox on this site. Also, check out some of the great YouTubers like Dr. Ramani or Dr. Les Carter. It sounds like you don't have clarity at this point if she has a PD, but you are on this site so you must suspect it. Start by reading and watching and see what conclusions you come to.

Welcome aboard! I am glad you have joined us.

Firewalker

Thank you very much for your thoughts! I was nervous posting, I thought maybe it was possible I was in the wrong. Thank you for helping me sort some of that out. I will absolutely take your advice regarding the non-responses; hopefully that can resolve those episodes.

Thank you again!!!