Triggered when doing well

[escapingman]

To start with I will say that in general I am doing well and I have come a long way on my healing journey. But, DD keep triggering me and I seem to just not be able to handle it. I know what is happening, I am doing all I can to resist but it's like me entire body is taken over by the pain body and I just can't stop it. It's almost always happening when I am in a really good mood and doing something I really enjoy, it's like she has to take me down. I don't know if it is on purpose or if it is me picking up unconscious signals or even maybe projecting this onto her and then perceiving it as judging or disapproving of me. I am not sure if it is in my subconscious that tells me I am not allowed to be happy and do things for myself, or if it is her that actually is disapproving.

Any one else being triggered in a similar way and how do you deal with it?

[Queenfrog]

Oh yes, this happens to me all the time. There are many things I enjoy doing that I do less of - or don't do at all - because of it. My PD spouse disapproves of fun and loves to accuse me of being childish or irresponsible. Mostly, the only activities he approves of are working, exercising, and watching TV. More recently, I'm very pleased that he's been supportive of me looking after my mom.

I wish I had a good answer. It's best to feel the feelings and not try to suppress them, I do know that. I'd also venture to say don't concern yourself about whether she is doing it on purpose or not. If she has PD, that could be an impossible and/or useless line to draw. Is your DD being subtle rather than directly criticizing or attacking you?

I deal almost every day with accusations of being "childish" in some way. Maybe I should get some clown makeup and kids' party favors, get out the crayons, and double down. Seriously.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your reply queen frog, I don't know if DD has any PD traits, sure she has fleas from her uNPD mum but she is also a teenager with all drama and hormones. I am getting better at not being triggered but at certain times, I think it is when I am really happy and doing something for me and focus is not on her. I have tried to talk to her about it and she is getting better too, but sometimes when she does it and I get triggered I just can't stop myself from going down the rabbit hole. She did apologise after the last episode which is a big step in the right direction.

At least now when I get triggered and the pain body runs riot with me I can see what it is and I can observe it. When calm I can analyse it and try to figure out what triggered me and why I got triggered. I have done this for a while now and I think it helps, I read in a few books that triggers really are our best friends as they show us our trauma. I think that is very true and I try to work with it.

I am not sure if any of my writing makes any sense but I just wanted to put it out and share.

[square]

That she apologized after the last episode is huge.

It sounds hard and it's doubtful that this is the end of it, but it sounds like things will probably improve over time. That one apology shows she has the ingredients to mature, and with both of you working on yourselves, you're going to get through this 👍

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM,

You wrote:

"I read in a few books that triggers really are our best friends as they show us our trauma."

I agree. In your dynamic, is it possible that your trigger is also alerting-you/showing-you DD's trauma?  If possible, maybe use your own alert to 'flip' your trigger-trauma into a opportunity to be very quiet and simply listen to DD; letting your powerful presence in silence, cause DD to upwell her feelings and emotion without you allowing any of it to stick to you?

You're active-listening in silence and simple presence may be a powerful way to use your trigger/trauma in a positive manner.  It may just end in a silent dad & daughter hug. 😊

SoT