Interesting article about narcissism and their perceived offense

Invisiblewoman · May 22, 2024, 12:12:24 PM

One thing that jumped out at me in the article was this:

QuoteMany people are simply not educated on the concept of the "narcissistic wound," also known as the narcissistic injury, and are in for a wrath beyond comprehension when they offend a person with narcissism.

When offended, a typical person might experience hurt feelings or feel insulted or angry. However, the offended person might ultimately talk it through with the individual who committed the transgression, with a willingness to repair the relationship and move on. This can take time.

In general, bonds are developed and strengthened through the process of "rupture and repair." People learn to handle insecurities in a relationship by building trust over time as they see each rupture or conflict in the relationship eventually leads to a deeper connection or repair.

Not so in the narcissistic relationship. Offending a person with narcissism can lead to immediate, lasting, and perhaps irreparable fallout.

When dealing with a person with narcissism, the rules are different. This is true in all aspects of the relationship, but for this article, the focus is on the narcissistic wound. These types of wounds are unlike other types of interpersonal ruptures.

Full Article

Call Me Cordelia · May 23, 2024, 06:54:03 AM

The most striking example of this I ever experienced was my FIL. We never had much of a relationship. I always really tried to be nice to him though. I perceived he was under the thumb of my uBPD MIL, and recognized something of the dynamic even though I didn't know anything about narcissism or PDs or any of the topics on this forum at the time.

My husband and I announced a pregnancy to them. They did not react well. Clear disapproval. FIL asked, "Wasn't this rather a surprise?" I answered lightly, "Oh no, we know how it happens."

Call ended awkwardly. I was already past caring what they thought. But FIL was so upset by how I had responded dismissively to him. MIL was hounding DH to get me to apologize to FIL. I didn't bite. I told DH if anyone owes an apology it's his parents to us. I don't know how much of that ever got back to FIL, but FIL never spoke to me ever again! This was more than a full year before I made a decision to go NC with my MIL. (She treated me to a 45 minute rage fest in my home just before that child was born blaming me for everything she disapproves of in DH's life. Such as his religion. Which is the same one he was raised in.

That was the beginning of the end there. ) My relationship with FIL was already so distant I decided I didn't care, but that one remark is all it took for him. I didn't understand it at the time. But now it just screams narcissistic injury.

moglow · May 23, 2024, 09:14:39 AM

@Invisiblewoman Could you advise information where this links to?

@Call Me Cordelia - for what were you to apologize?! His snotty rudeness to your good news would have taken me aback, no telling what would have flown out of my mouth! I mean, what other response did he expect - No it wasn't a surprise, not at all. Why would someone even ask that?

Invisiblewoman · May 23, 2024, 10:01:56 AM

Quote from: moglow on May 23, 2024, 09:14:39 AM@Invisiblewoman Could you advise information where this links to?

It is from Goodtherapy.org written by Sharie Stines PsyD

Invisiblewoman · May 23, 2024, 10:20:10 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on May 23, 2024, 06:54:03 AMThe most striking example of this I ever experienced was my FIL. We never had much of a relationship. I always really tried to be nice to him though. I perceived he was under the thumb of my uBPD MIL, and recognized something of the dynamic even though I didn't know anything about narcissism or PDs or any of the topics on this forum at the time.

My husband and I announced a pregnancy to them. They did not react well. Clear disapproval. FIL asked, "Wasn't this rather a surprise?" I answered lightly, "Oh no, we know how it happens."

Call ended awkwardly. I was already past caring what they thought. But FIL was so upset by how I had responded dismissively to him. MIL was hounding DH to get me to apologize to FIL. I didn't bite. I told DH if anyone owes an apology it's his parents to us. I don't know how much of that ever got back to FIL, but FIL never spoke to me ever again! This was more than a full year before I made a decision to go NC with my MIL. (She treated me to a 45 minute rage fest in my home just before that child was born blaming me for everything she disapproves of in DH's life. Such as his religion. Which is the same one he was raised in. That was the beginning of the end there. ) My relationship with FIL was already so distant I decided I didn't care, but that one remark is all it took for him. I didn't understand it at the time. But now it just screams narcissistic injury.

What would you even apologize for? Dumping on you while you're about to give birth is so self centred. It's so rude, and highly inconsiderate. Like they have to use your moment of vulnerability to make their point.

I had to tell my family to try basic empathy and stop using sensitive situations (like a death) to unleash judgement, gossip etc. They went into a rage over being told to stop.

moglow · May 23, 2024, 10:27:30 AM

@Invisiblewoman thx for that!

Some of mother's biggest performances were up to and after passing of family members. She'd throw down all the "I just lost MY XYZ!!!" and make all manner of demands and excuses, as if the entire rest of the family didn't exist. Let one person call her on it and it's like war was declared. No recognition that others also had needs and are grieving.

Invisiblewoman · May 23, 2024, 11:18:34 AM

Quote from: moglow on May 23, 2024, 10:27:30 AM@Invisiblewoman thx for that!

Some of mother's biggest performances were up to and after passing of family members. She'd throw down all the "I just lost MY XYZ!!!" and make all manner of demands and excuses, as if the entire rest of the family didn't exist. Let one person call her on it and it's like war was declared. No recognition that others also had needs and are grieving.

Caught a relative in a lie and told them to stop being disingenuous and they essentially attacked me ad hominem and then threatened legal action. Mind boggling stuff.

Call Me Cordelia · May 23, 2024, 11:24:58 AM

Thanks, Mo and InvisibleWoman. It helps me to remember these things whenever DH starts up the, "My parents aren't nearly as bad as yours." Which comes at random times and vulnerable life moments, such as giving birth. The vulnerable life moments are exactly when it's most natural to reach out to family, and the old programming to make the happy family seem real runs the hardest. Narcissistic people lean on that human tendency all the time, just like your mom, Mo.

You're right, DH. Major props to your folks for not diabolically plotting to weaponize the legal system against us as parents.

Credit where credit is due.

But there's still no "there" there. There's none of that "rupture and repair" process that I've learned to build with in just about every other relationship in my life. There truly is no way forward with my in-laws in any meaningful sense. We tried to work things out and it was a dumpster fire. The only possibility is a one-sided "forgive and forget." No thank you! I think the article is right. There is very little possibility of having a healthy relationship with a deeply narcissistic person that is not so shallow as to be meaningless.