Two Years of Very Low Contact

[TheStruggleIsReal]

It's been two years of very low contact with my FOO. This site and many here have been a great source of wisdom and encouragement. I've truly come a long way since I first posted here two years ago. Back then, my head was in a deep fog, and I had very little knowledge on how the NPDs in my FOO operate and how much they had affected many aspects of my childhood, my marriage, and my mindset.

With my FOO, the only contact I've had is through the exchange of a few emails. I haven't seen them at all during this time, and blocked their numbers because I kept receiving really hurtful texts from them. I kept email open just in case something happened health-wise because some of my FOO are not in the best of health.

As usual, my uNPDM took the two-year, no contact "anniversary" as an opportunity to send me an email stating that it has been two years since they have seen me and that they would like to restore our relationship. She always selects anniversaries, birthdays, or important dates to send a message. Right before I opened my email inbox, I had this strong sense that a new message would be waiting! Right on schedule!

Over the past year-and-a-half, I've been in therapy with my DW. I've truly healed in so many ways, and likewise, my DW and I have grown so much closer & built a much healthier relationship. I've grown on a personal level, gained a ton of knowledge about personality disorders, and my DW and I have instilled firm boundaries around both sets of our FOO. (My DW grew up in an abusive home, and she is also dealing with CPTSD. We are walking this journey together.)

My FOO has no respect for my boundaries and continues to remain angry & bitter about them. Therefore, I often ignore my NPDM's emails, but I decided that I had grown strong enough to respond this time. I wanted to see if her note meant that she had undergone a heart change and had experienced some personal growth & healing, or if she just wanted to "restore" our relationship on her terms. Well, you can probably guess where this is going. Of course, she wanted to meet on her terms. She said they could come to town and meet with our pastor because he would have a lot of wisdom that could help all of us.

Now the last thing I wanted to do was air our family's dysfunction in front of our pastor. I firmly stated that no, I would not be agreeable to meet with our pastor, but that the only meeting I would agree to would be in front of a trauma-trained therapist.

Once again, I kindly but firmly reminded her of some of the ways she and my Dad had hurt us over the years. (She claims she didn't keep my earlier emails and texts, so she didn't remember and was puzzled how she could have hurt us. How convenient.) I wanted her to be reminded that my DW and I had needed time to work through some deep stuff and that it is unfortunate that she had never apologized or been remorseful for the some of the hurt she caused.

Well, this set off a rage where she fired off three emails in a row to tell me that I didn't have my facts straight. She actually wrote that she needed to "fact check" me. No apology for the hurt she caused me and my FOC. No heart connection. No empathy. No self-reflection. Not one apology in two years. She said because she had texted us asking if we were ok during a tornado, that showed she cared.

She then exclaimed that "the enemy is alive and well and seeks to destroy." Ironic that she can't see that maybe the enemy was using her to divide me and my DW. But then again, I've learned she doesn't seem to truly care about me or my marriage. She is likely more concerned about the negative appearance of having a son who doesn't speak to her.

I used to be naive and think that my nPD FOO was different because we're a "Christian"family after all. After some time and distance, I thought that there would be apologies and reconciliation. Wow, I could not have been more wrong about the family I thought I knew.  Forgiveness only works in one direction in my nPDM's world. She is the matriarch who shouldn't have to stoop so low as to apologize to her son. After all, we're supposed to "honor your father and mother" no matter what!

In the past, this most recent email exchange would have screwed up my mental state for days. Now, I can see through the fog and continue living my life on my terms, recognizing that my uNPDM hasn't really changed at all. While there have been a ton of challenges over the past two, I'm a testament that there is hope on the other side to live a fulfilling life.

[blacksheep7]

This is such an inspiring post! It certainly will help others as it did for many of us on this healing site.

She then exclaimed that "the enemy is alive and well and seeks to destroy."

It doesn't stop to amaze me the answers the Pds come up with.  My covertM told me that I was looking for problems when there were greater ones going on in the world. 


In the past, this most recent email exchange would have screwed up my mental state for days. Now, I can see through the fog and continue living my life on my terms, recognizing that my uNPDM hasn't really changed at all. While there have been a ton of challenges over the past two, I'm a testament that there is hope on the other side to live a fulfilling life.


It is a big relief when our mental state (FOG)is not affected any longer. We can be who we were meant to be. Freedom within.

[NarcKiddo]

This is typical and you did very well to see through it.

[xredshoesx]

it feels GREAT to be able to look back and see your growth/progress and strength @TheStruggleIsReal - i'm proud for you and your DW.

NC/VLLLLLLC with both biological mother and father has helped me grow past so much of the false narrative of my childhood. I do believe my marriage has also benefited much in the same way yours has- bc I learned how to have healthy conflict within a close relationship by relearning how to handle it through setting and maintaining boundaries.