I Just Can’t Keep Doing This

[Beachlife]

He had another tantrum over something minor on Friday night, stormed off to his study as usual. My 17 year old son took off without his phone because of his dad. Was gone for over 2 hours in the cold without a jumper and footwear.
Husband kept to himself all weekend and we barely spoke. Monday was my birthday. No contact from him all day until he got home from work where he was once again super nice, going over the top with presents and a cake for me.
I'm still barely speaking to him but he just keeps acting like all is fine. We are supposed to be going away next week with the kids and I don't know how I'm going to cope playing happy families when I'm so freaking miserable.
I'm so tired of his mood swings.
I'm so tired of his entitlement that he can treat us so badly and expect everything to be ok once he's snapped out of his bad mood.
I'm so tired that he believes all is fine with us, our marriage, when it's so obviously not.
I'm so tired that he thinks acting super nice afterwards makes everything ok.
I'm so tired of him never apologising or taking responsibility for his behaviour.
I'm so tired of wanting to leave but being scared of his reaction and the ramifications.
I'm so tired of thinking about divorce and feeling so overwhelmed by what it involves.
I'm so tired of being in a marriage that constantly leaves me feeling miserable & resentful.
Im so tired of feeling like a terrible mother because I cannot summon the courage to leave and my kids are living in a toxic environment.
I'm just so tired.

[Queenfrog]

I'm so sorry, Beachlife! Except for the fact that my spouse and I are childless (and I never receive presents, flowers, or a cake lol) you could be describing my experience. First off, I hope you find a way to get some some kind of mental break from all this. What do you do for fun?

You might not have fully accepted that he is not going to change, even though logically he should want to. It's so hard to fathom. That's certainly how it was for me. Things got a lot easier for me emotionally once I truly gave up trying to get him to see the error of his ways and hoping for him to change. Now I manage my own behavior and emotions, and leave him to his. And mostly stopped caring what he thinks about me. (And guess what? He's started owning up, just a little.)

How much of the time are you "playing happy families" while miserable, and what is your reason for doing that? If you don't want to spend time with him, why should you? I doubt it's helpful for the kids. Have you considered not going on the family trip?

Personally, I find it hard to know how to act during my spouse's lovebombing phases. I generally tolerate the extra attention, but I hate it. I spend too much time pretending like things are OK when I'm still angry or resentful inside. I'm working on this, because I also don't want to constantly express hostility, etc., especially if he's in a good mood. I'd love to compare notes with you on this issue. How to live with integrity and be assertive while in this type of dysfunctional marriage? Big topic.

It sounds like you may have already left the marriage mentally and emotionally, and just need to figure out the physical part. One step at a time? Maybe write out the steps you would need to take, and then refer to (or work on) those notes whenever you start thinking about leaving or divorce again? Rumination is tiring!!

I hope my thoughts are helpful and not too much "advice." I'm just a fellow traveler here.

[bloomie]

Beachlife - it makes perfect sense that you are tired and possibly burned out. It also makes perfect sense that ending a marriage that involves children and all of the things of life - all the connections, the finances, uprooting that involves, is daunting.

For now, in the margins between, take the traits that you are experiencing from him and go to the toolbox above and read the do/don't section for each one. There is practical help for you here.

One of the best tools to adopt is Medium Chill which rides the line of how to detach from the drama and push/pull that can be so disorienting.

Shifting your focus from his moods and 'stuff' to what is best and right for you and your kids is a start. Developing tools, boundaries, resources and a support system may begin to position you for whatever you believe is next for you.

Keep coming back!!! It helps lighten a heavy load!

[escapingman]

Beachlife,

I was in your exact situation, it is unbearable and exhausting. The only thing that kept me was the fear of leaving and what she would do when leaving. Eventually the fear of staying was stronger than leaving and in the end I escaped. I am not going to lie, the divorce was horrendous and I was a walking zombie for a year. But now out on the other side, 2 year of no contact I am alive again. I never thought life could be this good, but it is. I am still having bad days, but I have so many good days.

Please put yourself first, stop pandering to his moods and dramas. It's likely going to get worse when he realise you are not responding to his antics anymore, but it will either drive him away or open your own eyes wide open.

Good luck, we are all here for you.

[blunk]

The title of your thread struck me, because it was my mantra leading up to the divorce from my bpdxh...well mine also included a pretty choice expletive. Other than the kids, I could have written every bit of this. Right down to actually dreading vacations. On the plus side, I had soooo much time off saved after the divorce.

Like you I hated pretending to be happy, I was anything but. I came to hate his good days even more than the bad. At least the rage felt genuine, I knew the love bombing was fake. He would say the most hurtful, hateful things, things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy...but the moment he stopped being mad, I was expected to stop feeling hurt. If I brought up what had happened, or been said, I was throwing the past in his face. When I shared that I was having trouble forgiving him for saying that he wished I was dead, his answer was...either you forgive me or you don't, it's not that hard.

I was mentally and physically (sleep deprivation was one of his many weapons against me) exhausted. I kept waiting for him to do that one inexcusable thing that would let me leave guilt free. But the truth was, I already had a thousand reasons to leave. I am in no way saying divorce is easy, if that is the route you take. But I can say, like others here, that I could never have survived had I stayed in that marriage.

It has been 9 years for me, and I still have days when I struggle and probably some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but overall I am happier that I was for the nearly 20 years I was with him. I wish you well , on whichever road you choose.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry, Beachlife. Your post sums up my 25 year marriage to stbx-uNPDh, so I truly feel your pain, sorrow, and frustration.

As others above have suggested, please read up on The Tools. The ones that personally got me through the mood swings, tantrums, and silent treatment were Three C's, No Jade, 50/50 Rule, and Medium Chill. Although it wasn't until stbx and I moved into separate bedrooms that it took the sting -- and eventually the power -- out of the silent treatment. Not saying separate bedrooms are the solution, but having your own safe space of any kind, while he's hiding out in his, may help you get through it better.

Also, self-care helped TREMENDOUSLY in weaning myself off a need for his (or anyone else's) approval or attention. As a result, the love bombing lost its power, too.

Now, I am one year out. Just having an exit plan those last few years gave me some hope and focus to get through the days, the months, the years, until I finally left.

Whatever you choose to do, hang in there.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm so tired of thinking about divorce and feeling so overwhelmed by what it involves.


That comment is what froze me from moving forward - fear of the unknown. It was hard to get through, but 2 years out I am so thankful I moved forward.

Baby steps - whatever you decide, take baby steps.  Then it doesn't feel so overwhelming.  How can you feel better today?  How can right now feel better?  What can you do for yourself today? this week?

I can relate to all the prior posts....