Too horrible to even comprehend

[Hedgehog]

I don't know if my family is plagued by personality disorders or psychopathy, or both. But I have come to realize that my brother and my father are the two most evil people I've ever met in my life.


I am the scapegoat in my family system, and I have been estranged from my entire immediate family for a year now. I have other siblings who I do not believe are disordered themselves, but they do enable the scapegoating abuse. I don't think it's intentional for them, more a force of habit to errode my boundaries, subtly put me down, and talk about me behind my back (smear campaign).


I'm about to touch on sexual abuse so skip the rest if you need to.


When I was a toddler my oldest brother who was a teenager sexually assaulted me multiple times. This went on until he was about 20, and I of course was still a young child.


I told my parents multiple times what was going on, and I was punished for lying multiple times. So I used to do this exercise where I would imagine my memory of the abuse being locked into a box, wrapped in chains, and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. As I small child I would do this visualization over and over until the bad memories stop playing in my head.


Then when I was 17 my brother confessed to my parents that he had molested me. I'm not sure what details he gave them other than not the full truth. I wanted desperately to go to the police. My own father was a mandatory reporter at the time. Yet I was told that if I went to the police I would be left on my own to fend for myself. That consequences would be inflicted. Instead my parents proceeded to tell my entire extended family some twisted version of events that painted my brother as a victim and me as a severely sick person who needed therapy. Again, there is a massive age gap between my brother and I, he was in highschool and I was in preschool when he abused me. Yet they pushed the responsibility onto me.


This broke my brain. I had a complete mental breakdown. I swallowed an entire bottle of Tylenol but for some reason didn't die. The years that followed are mostly blank. When I recovered to an extent I had near complete amnesia of all of these events. I could only recall my brother exposing himself to me once as a young teen and figured that was all that happened. Afterall that made sense with my father telling me it was no big deal and I should just let it go.


A few decades pass and I continually struggle with severe PTSD symptoms that I can't really pinpoint the cause of. I had multiple other traumas in life including sexual traumas, because I had no boundaries and was a prime target. But no amount of therapy for these things seemed to help. It was always more like a temporary bandage.


My father being typical of a PD person made attempts to steal my children away when I started having them. He didn't get far since I had no relationship with him, having already recognized his abusive habits. He continued an endless smear campaign.


Eventually my other siblings started to see his abuse as well, perhaps it was because I had removed myself and he wasn't getting as much satisfaction out of me as the scapegoat.


In one particular instance, my father told my younger sister's school that my brother wasn't to be allowed at her sporting events, claiming he was a pedophile rapist. This of course coming years after he had dismissed my desire to go to the police. My siblings at the time all came to me for sympathy for my brother that our father would spread this horrible lie. I excluded myself from these conversations as much as possible because I was deeply uncomfortable, though I didn't know why exactly.


I continued through life keeping these relationships but limiting the amount of time I physically spent in their presence. Not realizing how detrimental continued contact actually was.


Then one day my preteen daughter told me that her uncle had asked her to talk about masturbation, she declined, was upset, and told me about it.


This incident opened the floodgates in my head and the details of my abuse came pouring to the surface over the course of a few months. I realized then that my father was indeed telling the truth when he called my brother a dangerous rapist pedophile. Though I still cannot wrap my mind around why he was okay with one daughter being subjected to this violence, but took steps to protect the other.


I also discovered that my brother had his own smear campaign going that was even more brutal than my father's. And, worst of all I discovered a serious plot to attempt to take me to court for custody of my daughter, who he had told his ex wife that he fantasized about raping.


Horrified I went to the police, I had a forensic interview done for my child which thankfully concluded that his comments she reported to me were his first step in grooming her, and he had gotten no further.


He is now pending charges for the acts committed against me. I have gotten therapy for my PTSD around the incidents I now recall, and I have finally found peace. I have gone no contact with anyone who ever enabled my brother in any way.


But the most sickening detail of all has been my father's behavior. He has agreed to testify on behalf of my brother, making statements that have been proven to be lies, just to prolong the investigation. He is also planning on submitting statements against my character. Again, the same man who acknowledged my brother is a dangerous pedophile rapist. Essentially going on record to prove that he condones that this abuse happened to me specifically.


As a parent I cannot even fathom his choices.


At least I am free, my children are safe, and there's some chance I might receive justice for the evil acts I was burdened with.

So here I am.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Hedgehog. I extend a warm welcome to you to Out of the FOG.  I am so very sorry that you have been abused by your brother and father and have lived amongst lies in the smear campaigns all these years. 

Im glad to read you are obtaining therapy and your writing comes across with strength in your resolve to seek justice and also to boldly protect yourself and your daughter.  You have arrived at a safe place here at Out of the FOG.  You are not alone. 

I highly recommend the toolbox tab above for your forward progress.  Again welcome and see you around the boards. 

SoT

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm so sorry you had to endure those things, especially when you were young. I'm glad you have gotten to a better place emotionally and have found inner peace. Inner peace is a state of mind that is priceless. Your father and brother both need intense therapy. It's impossible to understand why your brother, or anyone else, would be that way.

[LemonLime]

Oh my gosh,what a living nightmare, Hedgehog.   You are brave and strong.  And you're safe here.
Welcome.
 

[Invisiblewoman]

Hello Hedgehog,

First off I am deeply sorry for what happened to you.

I too survived sexual abuse in my childhood from a stepfather.

My family seemed to scapegoat and accuse me of lying especially when it comes to abuse, or mistreatment by men. They have said things about my case that appear not to actually be true.

I can remember a weird family gathering where I was allowed to attend but purposely excluded. Like I was there and one of my cousins said "don't worry about introducing yourself to her."  There was gift giving and I was excluded from that too.

There were episodes of physical violence towards me that where terrifying and emotionally damaging where my mother got my adult brother to beat me for telling a teacher I was upset one day.

They scapegoat and blamed me because the alternative is accepting that generational abuse has gone on.

I think I represent disclosure/whistleblowing to my family and it seems well ingrained that they punish those who talk rather than those who have been abusive.

I remember an aunt disclosing that my grandfather was very physically abusive and an alcoholic. The family ganged up on her and accused her of lying.  To me my grandfather was treated like a cult figure who could do no wrong. I thought he was cold, and very  enabling with my mother and constantly made me responsible for her abuse of me.

It's weird because they both seem to believe there was abuse but they seemed to shut me down and pretty much out of the family and would accuse me of lying because it was easier that way.

[Hedgehog]

Hello Hedgehog,

First off I am deeply sorry for what happened to you.

I too survived sexual abuse in my childhood from a stepfather.

My family seemed to scapegoat and accuse me of lying especially when it comes to abuse, or mistreatment by men. They have said things about my case that appear not to actually be true.

I can remember a weird family gathering where I was allowed to attend but purposely excluded. Like I was there and one of my cousins said "don't worry about introducing yourself to her."  There was gift giving and I was excluded from that too.

There were episodes of physical violence towards me that where terrifying and emotionally damaging where my mother got my adult brother to beat me for telling a teacher I was upset one day.

They scapegoat and blamed me because the alternative is accepting that generational abuse has gone on.

I think I represent disclosure/whistleblowing to my family and it seems well ingrained that they punish those who talk rather than those who have been abusive.

I remember an aunt disclosing that my grandfather was very physically abusive and an alcoholic. The family ganged up on her and accused her of lying.  To me my grandfather was treated like a cult figure who could do no wrong. I thought he was cold, and very  enabling with my mother and constantly made me responsible for her abuse of me.

It's weird because they both seem to believe there was abuse but they seemed to shut me down and pretty much out of the family and would accuse me of lying because it was easier that way.

I think your point about generational abuse is spot on. My mother was also abused by her brother, and would constantly tell everyone that her choices as a parent were to make sure that none of her kids were ever sexually abused. Unfortunately her "choices" also put us all in an even more abusive and isolated situation than what she grew up in. But it was all okay because she could tell everyone she was protecting her daughter from being molested. I disclosed to her the most times and she either pretended to not hear me, or would punish me for lying. My dad is just a sadistic person and loved any excuse to "punish" and abuse us, I think he's motivated just by only being able to feel pleasure by hurting others, so he just takes the most abhorrent option in all situations. Whatever is going to cause the most pain and do the most damage, that's what he loves. So I believe it started due to my mother not being able to cope with the reality that she actually perpetuated the generational abuse, and it has continued because what can cause someone more pain than their father openly condoning their rape as a toddler? If he did the right thing that most parents would do and supported me, sure he could put my brother in jail, but that doesn't cause as much anguish and I would still not have a relationship with him. But this way he gets to cause me immense pain AND have my brother on the hook for life.