For Adult Children of PDs: What did they do right?

[Rebel13]

Everyone probably knows by now that I've been NC with my mother for a year now.  I've spent so much time in therapy, and in my life in general, thinking about the negative effects of my childhood and trying to figure out how to do better for myself. Also avoiding or ditching the people that my parents' training made me appealing to -- usually other peeps with narcissistic tendencies.

But sometimes it's really comforting for me to remember some of the good things my parents did. This isn't in any way a "focus on the positive" or "you have to forgive them!" or "look at all the good things they did for you!" narrative, for me. It's more about remembering the good parts of my childhood and how they connect me to my extended family/my ancestors/my culture, whether I ever communicate with my parents or any other family members, in the future.

And I understand some might not have any good memories at all, and I'm very sorry about that. No one deserves a crappy childhood.

So the good things I remember/value:
~ Spending time outdoors. I lived in the country with lots of room to run around and play outside, and being in nature was considered valuable. I still love being outside especially when there aren't a lot of other people around, and animals and growing things bring me a lot of happiness and comfort. I was also taught to treat nature and animals well and I'm proud of that.

~ Handling money responsibly. My parents didn't necessarily DO this, but it was an articulated value, and since I believed what they SAID instead of what they DID, I feel like my values and practices about money are pretty solid. I've taken care of myself financially and I think that has helped me keep my life stable and be able to get help when I needed it.

Those are probably the two big ones, and I'd love to hear other people's stories.

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. That is rather hard to answer for me.

They taught me to love nature and animals.

I sometimes had some really fun times with my mother, when she was in the right mood.

My father's job involved travel so I have had experience of many places. (Although is that them doing something right or just due to circumstance?)

The more I think about this question, the more I feel that I have done things in spite of them, or (as you have referenced) because I believed what they said rather than what they did, or because I was too scared of them not to get decent grades and a proper career that they approved of. I mean, they fed, clothed and educated me and took care of my medical needs. My father did not make a big deal out of this but my mother certainly did.

If I think too much about this I start feeling that I am rather ungrateful for the material benefits I had.

[SeaBreeze]

It wasn't always bad growing up with uNPDm or "good enough" dad. I inherited my mother's artistic streak, writing skills, and sense of frugality; from my father, his conversational skills and sense of humor. From both of them, I learned to love music and books.

On a more practical level, in the days before answering machines and then voicemail, my mother taught me to properly answer calls and take accurate messages -- a seemingly simple skill that was my stepping stone into the white collar world.

And yes, my parents were also examples of what NOT to do! I've still repeated the dysfunction (or I wouldn't be here on Out of the FOG after marrying 2 uNPD husbands) but I've worked hard to learn and overcome it, too.

[j.banquo]

I like this thread. It's interesting, my parents' good qualities and our mutual interests made it hard for me to really understand how bad they were for a long time, like I'd get it and withdraw, then feel warm towards them again, and in my thirties, I had to trust them when I had a medical problem and had to live with them again after being independent since eighteen.

So that said, they paid for school, taught me the value of good food and wine, taught me to appreciate gardening, encouraged my love of music, sports, theater, and other arts. They gave me lots of independence as a child, way too much, but maybe what I needed with parents like them. My mom taught me basic business skills when I was 8 or 9, and I had a baking and pet care business. My dad taught me the concept of infinity and had me do logic puzzles at the table. He taught me to throw a football in a spiral, once. There must be more...