Remaining Detached

[j.banquo]

I'm living with and taking care of my 82yo mother.

She is doing stuff like saying things that cause me to dissociate for twenty seconds straight, just zone out and freeze and stare.

She is going to keep doing that stuff...

My projects are on hold, I run out of time to bathe even, because all I am doing is taking care of her, processing emotions about taking care of her or something she said or did, or going for a walk or practicing singing or writing in a journal or other self-care stuff.

I need to find a way to keep her from affecting me so much, like to care about her less or be less afraid of her, any thoughts?

[Breadroll]

Hi jb - that's super hard. My elderly relative who tried this on passed many years ago- and ex npdh also used to do this.

I felt relief when planning the way out. For example, how many weeks will this take? What needs to be done/ sort of «  light at the end of the tunnel. «  if you focus on that new, free existence which is coming..every time you interact with her, you know that this is temporary and soon you will be free..

[j.banquo]

Hi jb - that's super hard. My elderly relative who tried this on passed many years ago- and ex npdh also used to do this.

I felt relief when planning the way out. For example, how many weeks will this take? What needs to be done/ sort of «  light at the end of the tunnel. «  if you focus on that new, free existence which is coming..every time you interact with her, you know that this is temporary and soon you will be free..

Thanks!

I do too, but she still has me conditioned to worry about abandoning her, and I worry about what people will think of my leaving her, what she will say about me, if I move nearby what will she still want... I need to work on all that. And I'm not supposed to work now, and can't afford a place.

This about a woman who changed the locks on me with no warning and told people was dangerous, less than three years ago. I lost everything...

[Breadroll]

Phew- that's rough- sorry this has happened to you.

I had to sort of « give myself permission « to look after myself first - that's the hard bit- but also you deserve peace, and dignity.

In planning can you speak to  social services and explain that you will not be able to do this long term, assistance required? A circuit breaker- a care worker for her, giving you some much needed space. Maybe you could get a doctor to write you a note, explaining that you cannot work, ( caring for elderly is work 😎!)

Guilt- the g in fog - I am all too familiar with. Handing you a large dustbin to put the guilt in!

[SeaBreeze]

"Caregiver burnout" is real, even with non-PDs, but PDs certainly ramp things up. Particularly elderly PDs who, in my own experience and observation, regress to childlike behavior toward the end of their lives. As suggested above, please check into available resources to help both you and your mother. Please take time to pour back into yourself, to recharge and refresh.

[j.banquo]

Phew- that's rough- sorry this has happened to you.

I had to sort of « give myself permission « to look after myself first - that's the hard bit- but also you deserve peace, and dignity.

In planning can you speak to  social services and explain that you will not be able to do this long term, assistance required? A circuit breaker- a care worker for her, giving you some much needed space. Maybe you could get a doctor to write you a note, explaining that you cannot work, ( caring for elderly is work 😎!)

Guilt- the g in fog - I am all too familiar with. Handing you a large dustbin to put the guilt in!

Thanks so much for your comment.


I know what you mean about permission to loon after yourself first, and I think I'm getting there, and it feels great.

She has rejected the idea of a home health aide, but if I feel that needs to happen, I will insist. In the words of my sister, she'd rather make my life miserable than have reasonable accommodations...

I'm trying to set boundaries around her micromanaging behavior, which affects me deeply, but that is not at all going well, and of course I have no way of enforcing consequences.

I accept the guilt dustbin!

[j.banquo]

"Caregiver burnout" is real, even with non-PDs, but PDs certainly ramp things up. Particularly elderly PDs who, in my own experience and observation, regress to childlike behavior toward the end of their lives. As suggested above, please check into available resources to help both you and your mother. Please take time to pour back into yourself, to recharge and refresh.

Thank you, you're absolutely right. I have already been reminding myself that she is just a child, and not my adversary, even if she thinks I'm hers.

I'm very worried about burnout, because I have a mental illness that can involve yearlong depressions, and was finally doing fine.

I'm taking care of myself by prioritizing mental and physical health, going for mindful walks, not isolating, going out, singing.

I find I just don't have time for personal work projects anymore. But I'm keeping a log of how I spend my time every day, and that will help me figure it out. Most importantly I'm not being harsh with myself for not working on the projects.

And I'm taking care to feel and process every negative emotion she induces, which is time consuming but crucial, and understand that she will not stop, it will all keep coming.

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement.

[Rebel13]

Hi j.

A while ago I wrote some suggestions for someone in sort of a similar situation, https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=94696.msg807297#msg807297 . I don't know if any of them would be helpful. They're kind of a broken-down version of what Breadroll said here. In any case, I wish you well and hope you can find a way of resolving this situation for your own peace of mind.

[j.banquo]

Hi j.

A while ago I wrote some suggestions for someone in sort of a similar situation, https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=94696.msg807297#msg807297 . I don't know if any of them would be helpful. They're kind of a broken-down version of what Breadroll said here. In any case, I wish you well and hope you can find a way of resolving this situation for your own peace of mind.

Thank you!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

That sounds like a really rough setup, JB!  My heart goes out to you.

I've also been caretaking a few family members (but not live-in) and find very little time and energy left over.  I really have to watch how I set up my day.  The things I leave until afternoon or evening tend to get short shrift.  If I carve 30 or 60 or more minutes out of my morning and make it sacrosanct I can plug in whatever I want  I may need to do some essentials before that (for myself or someone else).  But I keep it to just the essentials and other stuff has to wait until I'm free again. It evokes less conflict if I'm consistent with it, so they know what to expect as time goes on.

I've also found having a therapist to brainstorm with, maybe be accountable to, is really helpful for counteracting the PD messages.  Good luck!

[j.banquo]

That sounds like a really rough setup, JB!  My heart goes out to you.

I've also been caretaking a few family members (but not live-in) and find very little time and energy left over.  I really have to watch how I set up my day.  The things I leave until afternoon or evening tend to get short shrift.  If I carve 30 or 60 or more minutes out of my morning and make it sacrosanct I can plug in whatever I want  I may need to do some essentials before that (for myself or someone else).  But I keep it to just the essentials and other stuff has to wait until I'm free again. It evokes less conflict if I'm consistent with it, so they know what to expect as time goes on.

I've also found having a therapist to brainstorm with, maybe be accountable to, is really helpful for counteracting the PD messages.  Good luck!

Thanks, Lookin'!

I do have a wonderful therapist at this point, who is very helpful with helping me spot dysfunction, manipulation, and figure out how to best cope.

Thanks for sharing about your experience. It helps to learn that someone else has little time and energy left over from caretaking!

[mary_poppins]

Hi, what usually helps me in this situation is the 'this is temporary' thought. Pete Walker said in his c-PTSD book that we need to learn to deconstruct eternity thinking. Just because you suffer now, taking care of your elderly abusive mother, it doesn't mean it will always be like this.
Things can change drastically even tomorrow. You don't know, life has a funny way of surprising us.