Being unnamed or having a tone attached to our names

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I don't think my husband has used my name once in ten years.

Certainly no term of endearment. I stopped using my term of endearment for him when I stopped feeling emotionally safe with him. The term had expressly meant "I feel safe with you" to me, so I could not continue using it. But I did keep using his name.

In my life, I probably hear my mother use my name a half dozen times a year, and otherwise I do not hear my name at all. I'm socially isolated.

My DD does call me "mom" and that's fine. But it doesn't really fill the name void somehow. And she doesn't even call me that very often.

I'm not the sentimental sort, so it's a surprise to me that I'd even notice this much less care. But I do feel it somehow. I feel unseen.

My husband does sometimes refer to me as "your mother" to DD. But always with a tone. You know the tone. I do refer to him as "dad" or "your dad" to her, but not with a tone.

So my name is "your mother" and the name is made out of disdain. And yeah, it actually does something to my identity, weird as it sounds.

I wonder if other people have been unnamed or disdainfully named by their SOs.

And I wonder if anyone's parents have unnamed them or tied disapproval to their names. That has got to hurt.

Of all the weird things I could long for, a man calling me by my name - and here I have to stop and swallow hard - with even a minor degree of approval or affection.. whoo, what an odd thing to feel such an emotional reaction to. Stomach literally in knots right now at the thought. 

[mary_poppins]

Hi square.

I just saw your post while replying to my own post here. It caught my attention because the name issue you are talking about here is huge for me. I don't have a husband who doesn't name me BUT my parents attached shame, dissaproval and disdain to my own name. It's funny how no one talks about this problem in narcissistic abuse communities.
My mom game me a first name she didn't like (why?) and so she butchered it and never once called me by my ID name. When we talk, I am never called by my name, they find a way to address me without using my name.
This is traumatizing and it made me hate both names (first and last name) to the point it made me decide to change them. I don't want to ever hear my ID name or family name or any name that is connected to my abusive family.  (do you also cringe at the sound of the names of your parents or siblings?)

Your husband doesnt sound safe at all. Is he PD?
I dream that my future husband will say my name a dozens of times a week and spoil me rotten. I had toxic partners in the past and will try my best to choose a good partner to share my life with.

You deserve people who call you by your name and love having you around.
Hope it helps.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, I was called, "Child," in a sneering way by my father. "Daughter," in a more neutral tone in front of other people. But never my name. Always I was being "put in my place." 

My mother gave me her name as my middle name. I cringe when anyone uses my middle name.

I think your longing to have your name said lovingly is so good. It reminds me of Isaiah, and of the Good Shepherd in John, where the Lord calls us by name. Honestly, I had a hard time with those passages for a long time precisely because my name had become a bad thing. If I WAS called by my name, I was definitely in trouble!

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Mary Poppins,

I'm sorry to hear your family weaponized your name by butchering it and other tactics. And to literally name you something your mother didn't like? That just reveals such a destructive mindset.

I don't know if my husband is PD; I write "H" or "husband" instead of some variation of PDH because I don't know. But he is definitely mentally ill and his tactics have been destructive to our marriage, hence I post here. (My parents are/were nons).

I agree we both deserve people around us who enjoy our company and call us by name in a way that feels neutral or good.


Call Me Cordelia,

It's interesting to reflect on this topic with you in particular, whose screen name encapsulates this search for a name that reflects a core identity.

I looked up the passages you referenced and also found a basic analysis.

The Bible says that God knows each of His followers by name. Isaiah 43:1 states, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine". Being known by name means that you are cherished and cared for by God as an individual.

Even when you feel insignificant or forgotten by others, you can trust that God sees you and calls you His own.
In John 10:3 Jesus says, "The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out". This shows the intimate, loving relationshipJesus has with believers – He shepherds them and knows each one's name.

This does resonate with me. It feels unbelievable that God could see any of us as individuals at all, with 8 billion other people alive right now and I can't guess how many billions have lived in the past that God knew.

To know us by name is far more than to remember the simple syllables we associate with ourselves. Ultimately it means we matter.

...when the risen Jesus appears and calls "Mary!" in John 20:16, it signifies revelation of His resurrection.

I felt this. He saw Mary, he recognized her, he wanted to see and talk to her, she was not interchangable with any other random passerby. And bottom line, he cared about her.

I can hear his tone, too. It's complex, there's some urgency in it, and perhaps even some sadness because his time among the people in the flesh has come to an end, but fundamentally he is glad to see her.