Breaking the 'contact no contact contact' cycle

mary_poppins · July 11, 2024, 02:01:17 PM

Hi all. has anyone here broken the terrible 'contact, no contact, contact' cycle? I mean, have you ever cut your FOO off and then reinstated contact so that later you would again cut them off...and so on.

It is the most stressful thing I ever had to go through.

A short summary of my relationship with my parents. I went no contact for the first time with them in 2016. I lived far from them. We had some phone discussions where they were awful and that's when I decided to cut them off. But I broke no contact in 2020. During this time I had guilt and shame about my cut off. I felt like a terrible daughter. Plus, I was all alone, no friends and no support, no therapist either.

I went back to living with them in 2020 (had to borrow money for an expensive flight-I was THAT desperate to reunite with them

)
After six months, they started being extremely abusive to me, especially my mom (she's the one who is the most problematic). Daily screams, put downs, criticism and the control was out of this world.

I moved out and left again, went VLC in 2022. Unfortunately, the guilt, lack of therapy and support, plus the toxic job I had forced me to again go back to living with them 8 months later. During the times I was VLC or NC, I remember the issues I had. I was missing them, (didn't matter how abusive they were, it felt like the distance made me miss them), I had a lot of guilt for breaking away; also, the families I would meet were nice. Friends had cool parents and was feeling so bad I didn't have such thing.

Question is: how do I stop this cycle and the guilt so I won't go back to them after I move out again?
I plan on moving out this summer (I have quite a few job leads and a plan for going no contact.
The solution is NOT therapy. Why? I wouldn't be able to afford it especially when I start earning an income and pay rent and bills. I will need to save for maybe 3 or 4 months to start quality, trauma informed therapy (I tried other therapies and they sucked, it is so tricky to find great therapists with a childhood trauma background)

So I am asking you. How did you do it? How did you move out, go no contact and STAYED no contact? Did you have obsessive thoughts of guilt and shame and did you ever miss them? What made you stay away for good?

I feel like my parents are like a very attractive and intense drink to me-I'm alcoholic (metaphorically speaking) and whenever I try to quit, something happens and I need to rely on the 'drink' again. I feel like something is wrong with my brain. Was I brain damaged by PD mum and dad (both are PDs)? Life was pretty OK in no contact. It only got worse a few months before I reinstated contact. I feel responsible for what I've done to myself.
Thanks.

Rebel13 · July 11, 2024, 05:52:04 PM

I feel for you! I have definitely been there. The best thoughts I can offer are:
1. No contact is for you. It's to protect you from abuse. If you are feeling ashamed or "flaky" or otherwise judging yourself for changing tactics to manage the relationship, you don't need to. If you want to be in contact -- for whatever reason, even if only to lessen the guilt -- you get to decide that. Similarly, if you want any amount of time out of the relationship, you ALSO get to decide THAT.
2. When/if you become convinced that there is no way to have a relationship with them that is safe for you, you will stay no contact. Sometimes it takes a long time to give up the hope that THIS TIME will be different. I'm sure, for some people, they have found their way to better or more manageable relationships. For me, after years of trying, I got to a point where I KNEW I did my absolute best, and my mother still treated me like garbage. I made some huge sacrifices (for me) to try to make her happy, and she still wasn't. So I knew in my heart there was nothing more I could do. She is who she is, and there is nothing for me to work with.

I wish you all the best.

Call Me Cordelia · July 12, 2024, 11:55:05 AM

I have not been in that situation, gone NC once 7 years ago. It seems to me that you went back to contact not only because of the FOG. You didn't just return to contact, you went all the way back: back to their home and a state of dependence on them. I don't know the details of your situation but I also know that certain types of PD parents specialize in infantilization and discouraging any budding independence or resourcefulness in their children. Watched it happen to my sister.

So it's sounds like you left but you were truly on your own, with no support to turn to other than them. And when you ran into trouble and needed help, well, you needed help! As people will! So my two cents is, when the hope is well and truly dead AND you've developed the skills and alternative support system and confidence to stably support yourself, that's when you will be able to break the on again/off again NC cycle. It's a tough thing to do. How many on these boards want to leave a toxic relationship and just don't have their ducks in a row financially, with their living situation they would be going to, whatever. And how many times do people get back together with an abusive partner? I think similar dynamics can operate when it's a parent, but even more intensely because you are breaking lifelong patterns into completely unknown territory. AND you have to figure out how to take care of yourself on top of it all in order to be successful. Oof.

So you're working on all these pieces of having a healthy adult life right now. Being able to go and stay NC is just one part of that larger goal. And feeling responsible for your going back has some truth to it, but it sounds like you're beating yourself up and that won't help you. Taking responsibility is good because it means you are able to learn from it. And get up and try again. You're learning what you need and that is a huge deal. A lot of us AC's never learn we HAVE needs never mind what they even are. Getting clear on that will give you direction for the future. Cheering for you!

blacksheep7 · July 12, 2024, 12:34:25 PM

Hi mary_poppins,

I am sorry that this is hard for you but guilt is such a difficult process when we cut ties, something that we have to work through going nc. It's part of the recovery path.
We were groomed to feel Guilt and Shame.
Our Pd parents use this as their weapon, to make us feel small and weak like there is something wrong with us. They think that enmeshement is love......OMG.

I went nc on the spot in 2010 in my 50's when widowed covertM stormed out on NY's Eve and came back with eyes that could kill. She had Raging F show her the ropes for fifty years, lived in his shadow. I said to myself and later to my sibs «WTF the past is back»!!! I'm outta here!
I reconnected three years later at an aunts funeral. I cried telling her that she hurt me and she stood there cold as ice saying we'll start fresh. I went nc three yrs later when she told me that she gave a promised silver necklace to my niece with no remorse, no emotion and had the audacity to ask me if I minded saying that I wasn't talking to her anyway.

I said no of course, I knew that if I said anything else, she would have loved it. She didn't have to tell me, I would have found out.........just to hurt me, the last straw.

I did feel enormous guilt knowing that she was old and alone in her castle. I worked hard on my healing by being on this forum, read many books, watched videos etc..

After having confirmation that I was not the problem, the guilt, shame and fear left me.

Seven years nc and I'm doing very well. I heard that she spews her venom unto my other sibs. We are replaced.

I will not reconnect, nor will I go to her funeral.

It's a difficult period/path but I can asure you with good support and daily reading on the subject of Toxic Parents here and good books recommended, you will get through it

I was in therapy all my life but when nc came around my T moved on to other endevours. I got through it anyway with all of the above.

They don't change, they get worst with age.

I wish you courage.

Keep us posted

olivegirl · July 12, 2024, 08:51:55 PM

I am 2 years NC and while I have not broken NC, I still struggle with it daily.

Reading about trauma bonds and how to break them have helped me tremendously in staying NC.

Additionally, the last time I saw my narc parents, they were so abusive to me in my home that 50 year old me was shaking violently inside!

My aspd father lunged at me, glared at me with such intensity that his eyes got really black and I saw the most disturbing smirk/duper's delight grin that I truly do not want to see him ever again!

My Bpd mother showed such contempt for me that I had never seen before—-I just wanted her out of my house. No desire to discuss her behavior because that would be giving her grade A fuel!

I just wanted them gone!

It is so true that they get much worse as they age!

So while I am still traumatized and grieving, they are so vindictive and contemptuous that I am able to stay NC.

But I am still full of anger and hurt over their treatment of me.

mary_poppins · July 17, 2024, 04:30:12 AM

Quote from: Rebel13 on July 11, 2024, 05:52:04 PMI feel for you! I have definitely been there. The best thoughts I can offer are:
1. No contact is for you. It's to protect you from abuse. If you are feeling ashamed or "flaky" or otherwise judging yourself for changing tactics to manage the relationship, you don't need to. If you want to be in contact -- for whatever reason, even if only to lessen the guilt -- you get to decide that. Similarly, if you want any amount of time out of the relationship, you ALSO get to decide THAT.
2. When/if you become convinced that there is no way to have a relationship with them that is safe for you, you will stay no contact. Sometimes it takes a long time to give up the hope that THIS TIME will be different. I'm sure, for some people, they have found their way to better or more manageable relationships. For me, after years of trying, I got to a point where I KNEW I did my absolute best, and my mother still treated me like garbage. I made some huge sacrifices (for me) to try to make her happy, and she still wasn't. So I knew in my heart there was nothing more I could do. She is who she is, and there is nothing for me to work with.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks for your reply. You're definitely right. I'll need to remember in no contact that I've tried to have a relationship and it didn't work.

mary_poppins · July 17, 2024, 04:34:04 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on July 12, 2024, 11:55:05 AMI have not been in that situation, gone NC once 7 years ago. It seems to me that you went back to contact not only because of the FOG. You didn't just return to contact, you went all the way back: back to their home and a state of dependence on them. I don't know the details of your situation but I also know that certain types of PD parents specialize in infantilization and discouraging any budding independence or resourcefulness in their children. Watched it happen to my sister.

So it's sounds like you left but you were truly on your own, with no support to turn to other than them. And when you ran into trouble and needed help, well, you needed help! As people will! So my two cents is, when the hope is well and truly dead AND you've developed the skills and alternative support system and confidence to stably support yourself, that's when you will be able to break the on again/off again NC cycle. It's a tough thing to do. How many on these boards want to leave a toxic relationship and just don't have their ducks in a row financially, with their living situation they would be going to, whatever. And how many times do people get back together with an abusive partner? I think similar dynamics can operate when it's a parent, but even more intensely because you are breaking lifelong patterns into completely unknown territory. AND you have to figure out how to take care of yourself on top of it all in order to be successful. Oof.

So you're working on all these pieces of having a healthy adult life right now. Being able to go and stay NC is just one part of that larger goal. And feeling responsible for your going back has some truth to it, but it sounds like you're beating yourself up and that won't help you. Taking responsibility is good because it means you are able to learn from it. And get up and try again. You're learning what you need and that is a huge deal. A lot of us AC's never learn we HAVE needs never mind what they even are. Getting clear on that will give you direction for the future. Cheering for you!

Thank you, Cordelia. Yes, I went all the way back. Deep down I wanted them to take responsibility for what they've done (the neglect, the absue) and change-to give me the support I lacked as a child. Of course, that didn't happen.

The support: yes, with no support, you're bound to go back to your abusers. I am searching for group therapies atm. I heard being in group therapy is the most important thing after no contact. Thanks for the reminder.

mary_poppins · July 17, 2024, 04:38:20 AM

Quote from: blacksheep7 on July 12, 2024, 12:34:25 PMHi mary_poppins,

I am sorry that this is hard for you but guilt is such a difficult process when we cut ties, something that we have to work through going nc. It's part of the recovery path.
We were groomed to feel Guilt and Shame.
Our Pd parents use this as their weapon, to make us feel small and weak like there is something wrong with us. They think that enmeshement is love......OMG.

I went nc on the spot in 2010 in my 50's when widowed covertM stormed out on NY's Eve and came back with eyes that could kill. She had Raging F show her the ropes for fifty years, lived in his shadow. I said to myself and later to my sibs «WTF the past is back»!!! I'm outta here!
I reconnected three years later at an aunts funeral. I cried telling her that she hurt me and she stood there cold as ice saying we'll start fresh. I went nc three yrs later when she told me that she gave a promised silver necklace to my niece with no remorse, no emotion and had the audacity to ask me if I minded saying that I wasn't talking to her anyway. I said no of course, I knew that if I said anything else, she would have loved it. She didn't have to tell me, I would have found out.........just to hurt me, the last straw.

I did feel enormous guilt knowing that she was old and alone in her castle. I worked hard on my healing by being on this forum, read many books, watched videos etc..

After having confirmation that I was not the problem, the guilt, shame and fear left me.

Seven years nc and I'm doing very well. I heard that she spews her venom unto my other sibs. We are replaced.

I will not reconnect, nor will I go to her funeral.

It's a difficult period/path but I can asure you with good support and daily reading on the subject of Toxic Parents here and good books recommended, you will get through it

I was in therapy all my life but when nc came around my T moved on to other endevours. I got through it anyway with all of the above.

They don't change, they get worst with age.

I wish you courage.

Keep us posted

Congratulations for your no contact! And for being in NC for so long. It takes a while to undo the brainwashing around the guilt and shame of breaking up with them.
Sorry that you lost your siblings, too. I guess we need to sacrifice the relationship with them if we're to be free of our parents. I wish I had some semblance of a relationship with any of my brothers.

mary_poppins · July 17, 2024, 04:41:47 AM

Quote from: olivegirl on July 12, 2024, 08:51:55 PMI am 2 years NC and while I have not broken NC, I still struggle with it daily.

Reading about trauma bonds and how to break them have helped me tremendously in staying NC.

Additionally, the last time I saw my narc parents, they were so abusive to me in my home that 50 year old me was shaking violently inside!

My aspd father lunged at me, glared at me with such intensity that his eyes got really black and I saw the most disturbing smirk/duper's delight grin that I truly do not want to see him ever again!

My Bpd mother showed such contempt for me that I had never seen before—-I just wanted her out of my house. No desire to discuss her behavior because that would be giving her grade A fuel!

I just wanted them gone!

It is so true that they get much worse as they age!

So while I am still traumatized and grieving, they are so vindictive and contemptuous that I am able to stay NC.

But I am still full of anger and hurt over their treatment of me.

I'm sorry about the struggle you have with no contact. This i think is a result of the messed up trauma bond.
Hope you're able to stay away from them. They never change. And yes, they have contempt for us. Mom has this hatred in her eyes (and voice) whenever we attempt to communicate. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Do you have any trauma bond-related book titles to share? I'd appreciate it.

treesgrowslowly · July 17, 2024, 06:57:06 AM

Hi Mary Poppins,

When I went NC, there were no in person support groups. That would have been great. I do hope you find those. If not, just know that even without a support group that meets up regularly, you can do this.

I think that our NC stories also differ from one another depending on how much hoovering our parents are doing. Some are very rejecting of their adult child and others will hoover pretty intensely.

For those of us whose parents didn't hoover very much or at all, I think that made NC easier to be honest. Understanding NPD as much as I could helped me a lot with my NC process.

Trees