Missing my MIL

[Sneezy]

I can't believe I miss her.  I joined this site almost 10 years ago because I needed advice for dealing with my histrionic MIL.  And then I stayed because I really needed advice in dealing with my own covert NPD mom (but that's another story).

My MIL and I had our ups and downs, and for many years it was more downs than ups.  But as her dementia progressed, she got sweeter and sweeter.  I think her base personality was an innocent, child-like, and very insecure sweetness.  By the time she died, I actually enjoyed visiting her.  She was happy to see me and we'd drink coffee together and she would smile a lot.  And she still kept some of her wit (and barbed tongue).  She'd let me know if I was having a bad hair day, for example.  But mostly she was just content and pleasant to be around.

I can not believe I miss her so much.  This did not end up the way I had expected.

[square]

Hey Sneezy,

I get that.

Some of us have absolutely zero positive connection to our PDs, but some have complicated relationships that include love and good moments along with the disorder and pain.

Just yesterday I was talking to DD and MIL came up. We have not lost her but been NC for 11 months now. But we were musing about some good aspects and good memories. She can be so toxic yet we could both remember some moments of kindness, and she can be fun when in a good mood. And I feel pretty sad about the whole mess.

[notrightinthehead]

Sneezy, it sounds to me that you had kind of a happy end. You miss her, but in a warm and smiling way. I would prefer that to lingering resentment and unkind memories. Makes it easier to forgive the unpleasantness experienced before.
Sorry for your loss.

[bloomie]

Sneezy - adding another gentle hug and condolences on your loss. Isn't it good that not all of our stories end the same way? I am grateful that you and your mil were able to enjoy the last season of her life together in a way you couldn't at earlier days. I hope your hurting heart is comforted by the sweet and funny memories you made!

[Boat Babe]

Ah, mixed emotions are so difficult. I know I will experience this when my mother eventually dies. She wasn't/isn't a monster but a very very damaged person who is incredibly difficult but not essentially malicious. I will feel an equal measure of huge relief and genuine sadness. I think the trick will be to acknowledge both and to not feel any guilt about any of it. Sending you gentle hugs.

[Sneezy]

Thank you all for your kind words. Boat Babe, your description of your mom resonates with me. My MIL was a damaged person. Many of her histrionic behaviors were awful, but also somewhat understandable given how severely neglected she was as a young child. She could be incredibly difficult at times. But she could also be very fun and loving at other times. As my adult daughter put it "Grandma could be frustrating, but I think she just wanted to be loved." Anyway, I hope that when she passed, she finally did feel loved.