Unintended MC to NC shift

[walking on broken glass]

my guess is, her reaction to you not telling her about your move, and finding out about it later from another source, would be less about having hurt feelings or being sad to miss out on a major event in your life, as you would, and much more about narcissistic rage at loss of centrality.

I second that! It is always about them and the entitlement they have, like they should know about things in your life, even if they have zero empathy or interest in you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Absolutely!!! I've had more than one narcissistic reaction about it was so embarrassing to have to hear such-and-such from so-and-so... and STILL have no interest shown in the news in question. And even when I said straight out, "I didn't tell you because I did not believe it was of interest to you, and you're showing me right now I was right." And they would say straight out that's not the point they have right and expectation to be told all my news because they are my parents. They don't owe me interest or Heaven forbid support. I owe them information. All of the information. Boundaries, schmoundaries. It's all about shoring up the grandiose false self and how they look to other people.

But you don't think your sister deserves to have information in your move withheld? Well, if your reason for withholding is trying to punish her, I would agree, but I am not seeing that motivation in your posts at all. The guilt and inner conflict you are going through would belie that explanation. I would flip it around and ask is she truly entitled to that information from you? If not, you're doing nothing wrong here. It's uncomfortable, sure, because it highlights how not not normal your relationship is. It's hard to stay firmly in what is vs. how things ought to be.

[walking on broken glass]

I don't know if it helps but I am moving to another country in September for work and, if I were able to, I would hide it from my sister. I know however that my mum is going to tell her so that's not an option. Do whatever is best for you with no guilt whatsoever. If she says why didn't you tell me, just shrug it off and say we weren't in touch.

[Mons]

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives on this.

Rebel13- when we were in contact it was a half assed interest, eg. I applied for a course and when I told her she sounded interested and asked me to send her the prospectus so she could have a look, but then after the phone call I'd send it to her and that'd be it, no follow up like 'thanks for sending this, I looked it over and it seems good' etc. Then her lack of feedback put me on a downer for a few days when it should have been something positive.

Cordelia- I'd be lying if I said there wasn't part of me that wishes my going far away without telling her will be a wake up call and magically make our relationship better. But you're right, I'm absolutely not doing it to punish her. It's a) because I'm reluctant to break NC, and b) because as I said just above I don't want her putting a downer on my plans by not being interested. And I like that about staying in what is vs. how it ought to be. It's very true- she wouldn't be interested if I told her, and she's not going to wake up if I don't tell her. So there's no point even considering her a relevant factor in this move.

walking on broken glass- To be fair to my mom she's respecting my NC decision. I have told her that I don't want to put her in the middle so feel free to tell my sister if she wants (the point is I don't want to break NC, not that I'm bothered about her knowing). But bless her, she hasn't told her. I think her position is 'well it's between you guys'. Which I'm grateful for.