Help…

[Trinity85]

I've been reading this forum for awhile but this is my first time posting. I have been involved with someone diagnosed with ASPD for many years. He's done terrible things that I don't need to get into now - I'm still trying to understand why I stayed. Things came to a head at the beginning of the year and I told him that I was unwilling to continue the relationship unless he got some help. Then he got sick and ended up in the hospital and I let it slide.

Long story short, his medical insurance lapsed (his fault) and he now owes many, many thousands in medical bills. This is on top of an already dire financial situation. I honestly don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes but I suspect it's very, very, very bad.

For the last few months he has been disappearing on the days he is not working, not answering my phone calls or texts, telling me he spent the day in bed, too depressed to leave the house due to his financial situation. I have been extremely worried at times as he has talked of suicide.

Tonight he texted me that he didn't want to do this anymore (meaning live) and then wouldn't pick up the phone or answer texts. He finally called and said a lot of things - but basically that his life is f*cked and he doesn't want to go on from here. Of course I tried to talk about practical solutions but I don't know if he's willing or capable of leveraging those. I asked if anyone else in his life - like his family - knew what was going on and he said that I'm the only one.

I don't know if I have it in me to try to help him. I'm exhausted and feel like the relationship is destroying my life. It's taken me a long time not to care anymore; I really loved him and didn't know anything was amiss for many years. When I found out the truth of who he was, I was devastated. I think you'll all understand this and won't think I'm a horrible person when I say this - but there are times when I don't even know if I believe that any of this is real, that it's all just some sick game and hideous manipulation - the goal of which eludes me completely.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to an informative and supportive place.

First off - you are in a difficult and possibly dangerous situation. The focus of your attention is mostly on your partner and you are trapped in a web of fear, obligation, guilt and possibly resentment. This prevents you from taking a step back and thinking clearly.
You wrote "I'm still trying to understand why I stayed." Most probably it's the fog why you stayed.
The threat of suicide creates a lot of stress, guilt and anxiety. But - you are not the right person to save your partner. If you could save him, you would have done by now. Is it not time that you begin to care about the one person you are responsible for and can make a change - yourself?

At the beginning of the year you decided you would get out. It might be time now to really get out. It sounds like there will always be an emergency with your partner, never a good time, so now is as good a time as any.

Check out the Toolbox. And next time he threatens suicide call professionals if you must. Consider taking a break from communicating with him. Do you have a support system? Family, friends you can trust and call when you are tempted to initiate contact with him?

Read around on this board, you will find you are not alone! You made the first step to free yourself from the unhealthy relationship you are in, I am glad you joined us on the healing journey Out of the FOG.

[Trinity85]

Thank you. You are right. I need to be focused on my own life. I can point him to resources but then I have to disengage. I'm not sure how hard that will be for me. I haven't quite known what to believe and consequently what to do for quite some time and I think that's the worst part.

On the one hand, he has acted like he wants to be in this relationship and does the right things. On the other hand, he behaves in ways that make that virtually impossible. It's been a constant push pull    His financial situation/ mental health issues have only added another layer of complexity.

For a long time, the thought of ending the relationship seemed impossible for me, but I honestly just don't see how it would ever work, especially given his refusal to seek care. Last night when we spoke we agreed to hit pause. He made a point of telling me that I'll never see him again, which is honestly fine, but clearly upsetting given the recent suicide threats.

I have a therapist but I guess I could just use some support here.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I agree with what notrightinthehead posted.

If you are concerend about suicide again seek professional advice - you can call a hotline or call the police.  You are not responsible for his mental health.

Based on my experience, it is difficult to really know what is true when you are deep it in....  are they manipulating?  am I reading this wrong?  Yet, you do not have to know the answers to that right now - seek out professional help if you need to.  This is not on you to fix or to manage.

And, their finances are just that, their's. 

Best of luck to you - use the tools, read the posts.....

[TurnThePage]

Hi Trinity85

I am glad you posted.  My BPDH often threatened suicide...never went through with it but it was very scary and traumatizing at the time.  Never knowing if he was serious or just saying it to manipulate me.  Agree with notrightinthehead...call police if you feel he is in danger of hurting himself.  They can evaluate him and get him somewhere for help...if he answers them truthfully.. But that is up to Him! 

I am so happy to hear you are in therapy....it helps to have someone to speak with to keep your mind straight.  Dealing with someone like this can make you feel like you aren't thinking correctly.

You are not alone!!

[Trinity85]

Thank you both. Indeed, I am traumatized, and unsure if I am thinking correctly. I hope by not talking to him, it will all get clearer.

Right now I feel like I can do this - I am so tired of the roller coaster - but I am worried that I may weaken, especially when things in my own life aren't going great. I did enjoy spending time with him. In a way, he's been a crutch for me but also a constant in my life every day for many years. So I feel sad and lost. I guess I'll just have to tell myself that I'm going to feel bad before I feel better.

I'm also worried about the emotions that I may feel as I disengage - especially anger. I have been suppressing that for a long time. He hurt me greatly; his behavior was cruel and abusive - and I guess typical. I confronted him about that actually a few weeks ago - I was emotional, and in retrospect, I guess I was looking for him to take responsibility I just couldn't drink the Kool-Aide any more. He got angry and then seemed to emotionally collapse after that.

Sorry, that doesn't matter. I am just rambling and I need to focus on myself. It's been so long that I'm not sure I know how.

[Rebel13]

Hi Trinity, I'm wishing you really good luck with this! You've gotten some really great suggestions already. I'm just chiming in regarding worrying that you may "weaken." I would suggest seeking out some new activities and acquaintances as soon as you can! You don't have to commit to anything, but you can try lots of things, especially things that your partner didn't enjoy. Depending where you live, there might be classes for low or no cost, meetup groups to discuss books or engage in hobbies or go hiking, things like that. I've noticed different exercise studios in my area having free trial classes, if you are interested in that. Libraries also often have groups you can join. Especially during the transition, this will help fill up your time and give you new things to think about, new people to interact with. Eventually you will settle in to new habits and a life that doesn't depend on your former partner anymore. Instead, you'll be focusing on yourself and building the life you want.

It might also help to make a list of things to do can do in "weak" moments when you can't go out to a class or a coffee shop. Here are links with some ideas on how to make such lists: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/self-soothing/

https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/distracting-activities/

When you are feeling lonely and like you want to reach out to your partner, you can look at your list and try some of the soothing or distracting activities you've identified.