Lost a new friend already

[SeaBreeze]

I had made a new friend (platonic, same-sex, slightly elderly friend) after leaving uNPDh. First new friend I had made in several years. I've been cautious and watching for signs of PD, but still enjoyed hanging out with her. She then adopted my adult kids into her life as well.

She's had some type of mental and/or paranoid break out of NOWHERE. Making very baseless, VERY strange accusations yet grew agitated when I asked for proof. My kids and I are no longer welcome at her home, and she states she will call the police if we set foot on her property.

BIG SIGH. I am hurt, confused, angry. And yes, triggered, because my late uNPD mother, who was also co-morbid untreated paranoid schizoaffective,  pulled these sorts of antics all the time.

But...I'm also genuinely concerned for my friend, as she could very well be in the beginning stages of dementia. I don't know her extended family, however, so there's no one I can report this too in regards to her welfare. And/or without looking like I'm trying to stir up even more drama than she has.

For our own safety (and sanity), the kids and I are officially and immediately No Contact. Just very sad and frustrated. But moving on.

[notrightinthehead]

What a strange and hurtful experience! And it came out of nowhere for you. When something like this happens to me, I ask myself if I missed red flags. And I reframe it as a learning experience.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, notrightinthehead. It was a shock, yet not surprising, since I was already on alert "just in case". I feel I handled the confrontation well, calmly but firmly challenging her accusations but stopping at JADE. Privately, I'm allowing myself to experience and process whatever emotions arise. Logistically, going NC rather than trying to "fix" things.

Though I have to say, I am trying not to let this keep me from making new friends in the future, but I think I'm going to stick with casual acquaintances for now.

[Catothecat]

Could be she maybe either stopped taking (or is doing something to interfere with) a mood stabilizing medication, or she is starting to develop something like Lewy Body Dementia.

Whatever the cause, I think going NC is the best route because when this happens there's not much you, personally, can do.   If she has family they're likely aware, but they might not know what to do, either.  In my experience with PDs, it doesn't take long for them to reveal themselves since they just can't help it.  And looking for red flags is something that gets better with experience so I suspect if there were red flags presenting themselves, you'd have seen them before now.  So just based on what you write it seems an organic cause.  But who knows...

It gets sooooo disappointing, I know.  Recently I tried to do something nice for an old friend who I stopped associating with some years ago (other than casually, and always with other friends present) because her avoidant personality disorder became too difficult to deal with.  Everything you did with her, even simple conversations, had to be "acceptable" to her or she'd get upset.  So a few years ago she had cancer, and I thought maybe it would be decent to invite her along on a short trip a mutual friend and I make every year.  The mutual friend sees the PD fairly regularly and tolerates her behavior well, so she was okay with the invite and the PD accepted and not at all to my surprise, after the trip she complained to the mutual friend about she didn't have a good time, it wasn't what she "expected" etc. 

What I didn't do is take it personally.  This is her issue, and I'm not here to cater to her and her "needs".  If she's not capable of reasonable give-and-take, then I'm not making time for her.  It took me a long time to finally stop looking for "what I did" to "make" someone behave a certain way.  I noticed that I didn't immediately resort to thinking, what could we have done that would've made her time better, would've made her happy?  At one time, those would've been my immediate thoughts.  Instead, when the mutual friend told me about the PDs complaints, I just said, well it is what it is.  And for me, that's progress!

They are who they are, but they're not the only ones with rights to their behavior.  But good grief, it does get old.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, catothecat. There were perhaps some... yellow flags? One reason I was proceeding with caution. I've definitely bowed out of other potential friendships in recent years over bright red waving flags, so my picker is at least better than in my younger days.

I'm sorry about your friend that you just tried to plan a nice event with. There is just no pleasing some people. It may sound cold, but I have learned to match people's energy and effort as to what I will now contribute to a friendship.

I do wonder if my friend had/is having a bipolar swing, paranoid episode, brain tumor, low blood sugar, etc etc... But yeah, I can't fix it, and it's not serious or dire enough to call in an anonymous request for a welfare check. I considered calling the preacher at a church I've attended with her, but I worry that would just cause more issues and look like I'm indeed the crazy troublemaker she's accused my whole family of being. So, not my job, washing my hands of it, and walking away.