brave new world

[Reggie dreaming]

It seems not so long ago that my first post on this site ( after the welcome mat), would have been in the committed to working on it area.
Yet here I am.
I have been in a defacto relationship with uNh(?); for 29 years, but am now going through a separation.
It's been very hard for me to admit ( to myself or anyone else),that what I have endured was abuse.
He has never harmed me physically, things have been thrown, but not at me.
I was yelled at for things I had or hadn't done " properly". Sometimes for asking something innocuous when he'd had a bad day.
I was thanked for doing things, and then reminded of the things I hadn't done ( or done enough of).
There was plenty of; what now is considered sexual coercion, which stopped around menopause.
He has repeatedly told me that he can't trust me because I got my own bank account that he doesn't have access to. I opened the account because my mother had twice deposited money into uNh and my joint account for dental work when I didn't have money. Twice it was spent paying bills instead, and I ended up having the tooth removed.
He literally earns in one day what I would earn in over a week, but there is never enough to pay the bills?
There's a long list of my (supposed) deficiencies.
How I ended up here is because I finally decided that I could no longer live in the one room, wreck of a building that I have spent the past 24 years in. It was only meant to be a temporary dwelling, but uNh was comfortable with it, and he believes I should be good with it also.
There's been an outside toilet and shower (winter here can go below 0 degrees Celsius), and poured earth floors which get rising damp and mold when it rains. Lately he has been saying that it's because of poor housekeeping.
Condensation dripped on the bed.
I decided that I would build a small cabin that I could live in until a house was built on our land ( I live on acreage in a rural area).
For the first time in the 29 years we have been together, I spent money I had earned on myself against his wishes.
I received 3 months silent treatment in return.
Earlier this year I decided I'd had enough and moved into the unfinished cabin. There is no electricity or inside water, but it feels like a mansion because it's mine.
Since I moved out he has been telling people that he's concerned about my mental health and blames it all on menopause because he believes he has treated me like a princess and I never knew how good I had it.
Life is pretty challenging for me at the moment but my mental health is way better.
I guess I just need to share all this with people who might have some understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ( rather lengthy) story.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Reggie dreaming. You have a strong spirit and exude both patience in endurance and bravery, all of which are excellent for your now steady-forward movement in self protection and self improvement.  I tip my hat to your strength.

It's surely difficult to recognize abuse while in the f.o.g. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that a PD predator/parasite so masterfully lays upon the psyche and body of their prey.  I am also separated after three decades of marriage and understand the steady erosion that occurred in myself over the years. Vitality is growing consistently, enabled by my living solo with utilized boundaries provided by legal separation. 

Your determination is steadfast. Continue to harness those same great attributes that were manipulated by your PD husband, but now to your advantage in life improvement for yourself, denying him access to draining your self-supply by strong and proper boundaries.  Imo, doing all that in calm and silence is your full entitlement, yet it will drive a PD mad; thats the PD's problem to deal with, not ours.

I am also learning to play the long game in my legal divorce proceedings and accept that steady progression in my legal matter must run parallel with my self improvement/healing. You are not alone.  We are hear to listen and to come alongside you in camaraderie.

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Reggie.  Yes, it sounds familiar, including the FOG that keeps us from admitting to ourselves how badly we've been treated.  I'm sorry you're feeling shame about it, but people here certainly understand!  Time helps with that, of course.

Moving into an adjacent dwelling on the property can make a world of difference!  I did that for a while.  Whatever your struggles, feeling a boost in your emotional health is great!  Eventually I was able to go NC.  That step has been wonderful for me, too.

The Toolbox is great as is reading through old Forum posts.  Please keep sharing and letting us know how you're doing!

[Reggie dreaming]

Thank you SoT and 2 be free, for your very kind words of encouragement.

I have been visiting this site for the past few years now.
I stumbled upon it when I searched for reasons uNh was behaving as he was towards me. When I read through the 100 traits section it was all so familiar.

I checked out the toolbox and began to utilise the suggested actions.
It's been a game changer for me (and also for uNh, though not in the same way).

He recognised that something had changed and would tell me that there's loving Reggie and hard Reggie, and that the hard version was what he he saw most of.

Learning how to develop boundaries has been so empowering for me.
I can now recognise that I have had few; if any, throughout our relationship.

I think of it like I'm slowly taking away the metaphorical sticks he would use for kindling to feed the fire at my feet, and now I have a pretty decent amount to burn at my own leisure.

I'm truly enjoying living on my own.
I'm quite comfortable in my own company, and whilst I would like to sell and buy my own place this is not possible... yet.

For now I will keep building my cabin with the goal of increasing the value of the property.

The more time that I spend away from him, the stronger I'm getting.

[SonofThunder]

I have been visiting this site for the past few years now.
I stumbled upon it when I searched for reasons uNh was behaving as he was towards me. When I read through the 100 traits section it was all so familiar.

I checked out the toolbox and began to utilise the suggested actions.
It's been a game changer for me (and also for uNh, though not in the same way).

He recognised that something had changed and would tell me that there's loving Reggie and hard Reggie, and that the hard version was what he he saw most of.

Learning how to develop boundaries has been so empowering for me.
I can now recognise that I have had few; if any, throughout our relationship.

I think of it like I'm slowly taking away the metaphorical sticks he would use for kindling to feed the fire at my feet, and now I have a pretty decent amount to burn at my own leisure.

I'm truly enjoying living on my own.
I'm quite comfortable in my own company, and whilst I would like to sell and buy my own place this is not possible... yet.

For now I will keep building my cabin with the goal of increasing the value of the property.

The more time that I spend away from him, the stronger I'm getting.

 

Well done.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Here is another one who left her NPDh after many years of marriage. Healing is slow and steady. So glad you joined us on our journey.  Welcome!

[SeaBreeze]

Welcome! Having your own cabin sounds lovely! I'm one year out of a 25-year marriage. We had separate bedrooms the final few years which greatly helped my mental health, sleep schedule, and boundaries. But living in my own home this past year has truly been healing. Enjoy your sanctuary as you plan your next steps!

[StartingHealing]

Hi Reggie Dreaming,

last time the former spouse was under the same roof as I was in June 2022.  Took until Nov 2023 to finally get the real estate matters settled.  25 years o crap. 

now though, I have such a nice daily experience.  There are times that I find myself struck with amazement on how enjoyable it is  

Wishing you all the best!

[TurnThePage]

Reggie Dreaming

What you wrote sounds very familiar...so yes, understand what you are dealing with.

Congratulations on moving forward and taking care of yourself. Keep up those boundaries and continue your education on dealing with UNH.

Wishing you the best on your journey toward freedom.