Son Avoiding School

[atticusfinch]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I've needed so much help lately. Thank you in advance.

My youngest son has had all sorts of problems throwing up before school and has missed a lot of school because of it. I am just feeling really helpless and stressed trying to figure out how to help him and could use some advice.

DS is 13 and has a really sweet, kind heart but has never loved going to school, and has always seemed most anxious if he had a high-strung, demanding or otherwise (what kids would call) a "mean" teacher. When he was younger this would just manifest as nervousness and begging not to go to school, and he has always missed more school than I would like. During the pandemic, I purposefully kept him a little more quarantined and erred on the side of keeping him home if I was at all worried about Covid since he was higher-risk due to lung infections as a baby (and had been hospitalized by the flu).

When the pandemic hit, I was trying to finish my Master's program when I suddenly had all five of my kids home each day, and we were all crammed into my small-ish home. My program required concentration, so I did my best to shut myself into a room to do my work and pulled many all-nighters (I am still recovering--my health has not). My ex decided this would be a good time to not take any of the kids for several months because he didn't want to expose himself or his extended family. So the way I made it through this incredibly stressful time is by temporarily letting my kids fend for themselves a little more (though I was home and could have helped if they needed it... which was more often than not. It was a circus). This led to me letting the son in question play a little too much Roblox and that sort of thing just so I could get my work done. He is also my youngest, and I am just more worn out and exhausted at this point and not as strict as I once was with the others.

There are times I wonder if I'm overcompensating a little for the way his dad treats him? His dad has always seemed to target the boys for the abuse under the auspices of "turning them into men." But really he'd be turning them into straight psychopaths if he had his way, since his methods involve a lot of humiliation, shame, rage, and punishments over the slightest offenses. His dad has also heavily tried to brainwash the kids against me, telling them repeatedly that I'm "worthless," "lazy" etc.

My ex has convinced tried to convince them that they are entitled to way more than I'm giving them, which, unfortunately, they believe at times. So they come home from his house pressuring me to buy them all these things that he says I "owe" them, because he "pays me all his money" and now he's so poor, etc (the opposite is true). So nothing I cook is ever good enough, nothing I buy for them is ever enough. They are sweet at heart, but, from my perspective, his own selfish entitled attitudes and unending need to punish me by any means possible without regard to how that affects them has led him to make them much more entitled than they would have been otherwise and much more than they were before we split.

Ex also used to mock our sons for being close to me by making fun of them for wanting to spend time with me, sneering at them with things like "so you need some mama's milk, huh?"

In my mind, the ways he tries to make our son feel bad about me don't necessarily work on a conscious level--our son would say he loves me the same as ever. But I believe on an unconscious level it does affect him and when he is at my house I feel like he wants to be close to me and avoid me at the same time, does that make sense? So he escapes into video games or TikTok, and as soon as he's off he's kind of immediately whiny about all the (very expensive, take-out) food I owe him, acting as if I'm starving him, when in fact he has become pretty overweight. His weight is one reason I think he's been sort of brainwashed into thinking I don't feed him enough and has learned to turn off his own brain/hunger cues in favor of what his dad tells him. Does that make sense?

It also plays into his dad's narrative that I'm wasting the child support, and his dad is always trying to find ways to get me to spend more money because he uses money as control)
Fast forward to now. This was his first full year in secondary school and let me say it has been a doozy.

Their dad also tells the kids they need to "stand up to me" in this vague way, which I don't think they fully know how to interpret. He makes them think that when I'm setting normal, healthy boundaries with them that I'm somehow victimizing them. (I'm not perfect, but I'm very patient and level-headed. Never a yeller, very logical and loving, etc) So I find them being much more stubborn than my older kids were at this age about not doing things they don't "want" to do, which of course includes things like chores, going to bed, or even going to school. They have been taught to resist any limit coming from me as if I'm this tyrant trying to steal the independence of an adult, and not just a normal parent trying to give them some pretty easy, soft rules.

I know that a certain amount of entitlement comes with being a teenager, as I've already raised three of them (who are lovely now), but the entitlement of my last two is just next-level. I feel like their dad, like a lot of NPD parents, is just doing all this to stick it to me and hasn't thought through how they are not going to get along very well in the world if they treat authority figures or bosses or people in general the way they treat me. They are not entitled to nearly what they think they are entitled to.

Long story short, my daughter goes to bed super late each night and gets up late and misses too much school but has still figured out ways to get perfect grades. I'm not sure how she does it, but to an extent, it's fine with me if she can figure it out. But my youngest is constantly failing, and I keep getting letters from the school about how he is missing too much school, and it doesn't seem to help. He just doesn't care. The thing is--he does physically throw up before school, sometimes as many as five or six separate times, and sometimes very violently.

My ex thinks this is just a laziness issue or a specific health issue and/or that it is all concocted by me specifically to hurt my ex (how? ah, his image). He goes ballistic if I suggest that it could be anxiety. Anxiety makes the most sense to me, since it only happens on school days or before events he doesn't want to go to, like church. It never happens on Saturdays or holidays.

This is causing me so much stress from so many angles. My main concern is that I hate to see my son suffering. Yes, I know some of it seems psychosomatic, but it is very real to him. I am worried that he is going to have a pretty awful life and not be a functional adult, and I'm worried about his internal motivation. Then there is the incredible added stress of having to figure out what to do with him 3 out of five school days in a week. I have to work or we won't eat, but how am I supposed to work if he is home and needing supervision (if I don't supervise, he'd just play Xbox all day). I have been working from home, but I am going to have to quit my job and find one outside the home because I CAN'T PHYSICALLY FINISH ANYTHING because he is always home "sick." Then I'm dealing with the additional stress of anything coming from the school complaining about excess absences, etc.

My ex loves to go into the school and act like this perfect, concerned and involved parent (really, he wants to plan out everything they do but wants me to carry out his vision) and then they put pressure on me because he is putting pressure on them. And he is *constantly* threatening to take me back to court to get custody of the remaining kids because of my "neglectful" parenting. (more than one of our other kids were valedictorians, a fact he conveniently ignores, or rather, assumes they were successful because of him, even though I was the one getting them to school, paying their fees, getting them to tests, helping them prep for ACT, etc.)

And then I've been envisioning a job outside the house, which might be quite nice honestly, but what in the world am I going to do with my kid when I'm physically at a job and he's "sick" again? Do daycare type places even take 13 year olds? But they don't take them when they are sick, right?

Lastly, let me add that personally, I'm 98% sure this is all anxiety, but his dad is SO against therapy of any kind that he's prevented me from letting our son be seen by a therapist. I've taken our son to the doctor, who did all sorts of tests, and our son tested negative for anything that should be causing persistent throwing up.

Let me add that our son rarely acts sick on school mornings when he is at his dad's house (probably because his dad would tell him it is all in his head or mock him for it) and lets his dad take him to school on time, but then he'll often call me or text me from the school after his dad drops him off, begging to come home and telling me he doesn't feel well. And the kids do say that they don't sleep well at their dad's house which is why they are often more tired and not feeling well by the time they get to mine. But all my ex sees is that he is "on top of things" while I am a mess who can't take care of our kids or otherwise "babies" them too much. (his excuse that I baby them too much is usually one way he justifies his own abuse of them--that he "had" to do it because I've turned them into softies, etc.)

My son has often come to me worried when his dad threatens custody, and seems to be seeking reassurance that he won't have to live there. Usually I try to just help him feel safe and grounded and that I won't let anything happen to him that isn't in his best interest, but I am half-tempted (probably in my frustration, which is why I'm here, so you'll tell me if I'm being crazy) to tell him that if he keeps refusing to go to school at my house, a court may force him to live with his dad, where he will be made to do a bunch of things he won't want to do. (ironically. since his dad acts like I'm simultaneously this tyrant control-freak but also at the same time a lazy over-permissive slob... but his dad would very likely be both control freak and neglectful at the same time, like he was when we were married. And I think my ex would quickly tire of the extra work and try to find ways to get me to do it)

Anyway, I'm open to any suggestions as I feel like I'm literally at the end of my rope.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I think your son has serious anxiety problems. Has he been assessed? He might need meds or counseling. As a teacher, when students vomit before school in the morning or don't want to go, it's usually nerves. Social difficulties, such as bullying or arguing with friends is mist common. An abrasive teacher would definitely increase his anxiety, especially if the subject she's teaching is not one of his strong areas.

[Rebel13]

Hi atticusfinch! I am not a parent so please take anything I say with a big grain of salt. But I was wondering if the school has a counselor that your son could talk to, specifically about his difficulties with attendance? That might be a way for him to get some help despite your husband not wanting him to go to therapy. I have read that school avoidance and anxiety are a big problem for a lot of kids now, post pandemic, so school counselors might have some expertise to help. I wish you the best of luck!

[atticusfinch]

defiant daughter and rebel, thank you for taking the time to read and respond! I felt a huge gust of relief when I read your replies. I've long thought it was anxiety, but years of trying to talk with my ex about it have made me doubt myself, because he doesn't believe in anything mental-health related.

Rebel, you are so right about trying to see a school counselor. In his last school, we developed a good relationship with the school psychologist and she helped him feel more comfortable at school (though the problem never went away). Having her definitely helped (and it helped the school know that we were trying to address it). The new school doesn't seem to have anyone like that but I need to check into it again.

here is part of my conundrum when it comes to getting therapy for him and his sister. I have the ability within my decree to make the final decision when it comes to medical stuff, so I could actually force the issue and take them to a therapist. I took their older siblings in, pre-divorce, to see a therapist and it was super helpful at first. There were some helpful diagnoses made (on top of all of them having anxiety), and at first, therapy worked great. But as soon as I filed for divorce, my ex went full board to try and manipulate the kids and the therapist to suit his needs and it actually ended up that despite the fact that they needed continued therapy, the therapist they were seeing was making things worse by basically reinforcing the parental alienation stuff my ex was saying.

(My then 12 year old daughter wanted to walk 2 miles at 9pm in the dark in winter on a school night to get sushi for dinner and when I wouldn't let her, was super openly defiant and telling me that I was too controlling.)

Even ten years later, my ex is still extremely controlling and bent on financially and psychologically controlling me and the kids, and he's super invested in his beliefs that things like anxiety aren't real. I'm obligated to tell him about the appointments, but I could just see him getting in to this therapist beforehand and completely setting up a false narrative about our son, because he's done this so much before (one time, before I moved into a new neighborhood, I found out later he spent several months planting things about me with my new neighbors. I wondered why they all kept me at arms length until one of them finally told me he'd called them before I even moved in and badmouthed me. He's done that with clerical leaders, even with potential dates. He's extremely motivated and very charming/social, and I think most people just could never see how sinister it all is unless they saw the big picture).

I think I should get DS to a therapist no matter what. I guess I'm afraid of the inevitable confrontation with my ex, with all the embarrassing things he's likely to do that will undermine the process, and I'm so worn down after years of this. It's just weird he makes it so hard for me to take care of a child who is his own flesh and blood.

[Rose1]

I'm not sure if the link below will work for you. It's for an Australian TV station the ABC 4 corners program which featured the issue of school avoidance.
https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-xiaomi-rvo3&sca_esv=3cf5305f7235dc23&sxsrf=ADLYWIIv1Z50mxCqd72y7uDgzBsyYe_HYg:1715986564257&q=four+corners+season+63+episode+11&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgFuLUz9U3MDIvM01T4tVP1zc0LKsyMSvJMM_TUslOttIvKQOi-IKi_PSixFyr1ILM4vyU1GKF8oz8nNSCxPTURayKafmlRQrJ-UV5qUXFCsWpicX5eQpmxgpQtQqGhgCUY1OrZgAAAA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjr9ueM5JWGAxX92TgGHe7-BecQm8wBegQIEhAG&biw=375&bih=754&dpr=2.88

If not, there is a lot of it and it's becoming more known so i assume your school counsellor knows about it. It pre dates COVID but the pandemic did seem to make it worse. It didn't say but it seemed to me that a lot relates to kids on the spectrum and may relate to a lack of understanding by the system and likely other kids.

Anyway given your stress the last few years and total lack of support I don't think you need to beat yourself up over it. Seems to me that some of your son's stress relates to your ex's methods as well.

Going back many years in grade 4 and 5 I had 2 rather awful bullying teachers. For 2 years I struggled with school, grades suffered and I was often sick before school. I knew what the problem was but couldn't verbalise it and certainly knew I couldn't do much about it.
I did much better after I finished those 2 grades and loved high school, partly because we had different teachers for each subject.

I wonder if you could have a talk to the school counsellor and see what they are like. They may know all about the issue and may have some helpful ideas. I wonder if your son actually knows the problem like I did but just can't talk about it?

[notrightinthehead]

Your husband sounds like a dangerous man. Would it be possible to warn the therapist before he can get to them, about his methods?
And I would definitely be honest with my son. He is 13, he can take a bit of truth. I would tell him that his father might get custody if he doesn't improve his school attendance/performance. There are lots of guided meditations for anxiety on YouTube, maybe you could listen to some of them together as a bonding exercise?

I am too in the middle of an acrimonious divorce and know how debilitating these fights are, you are so brave and strong, hang on just a little bit longer and stick with the being authentic, honest and reliable.

[Rebel13]

You are getting great suggestions here, atticusfinch! Like notrightinthehead, I also thought of talking with the school counselor or a therapist you choose, first, before you make an appointment for your son, to give them the history and help them not fall into the traps your ex sets. I presume you're not required to inform him if YOU talk to a therapist!  I also thought you might try to talk to the school psychologist your son liked, to see if that person has any recommendations for a new therapist and how to handle the situation.

There is a podcast I really like, DBT and Me:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVQaarYhwXUn9aA3yDUWEGg

They have episodes on the various DBT skills as well as using DBT for particular issues, like anxiety. notrightinthehead's suggestion of listening to guided meditations together made me think of that. It has helped me a lot dealing with anxiety and other emotional distress.

I'm really sorry about your shitty ex. I know the feeling of being just so tired of someone's antics, but not being able to get away from them. I hope you can find a way to get a little distance and peace for yourself during this hard time, as well. I agree that 13 is probably old enough for your son to understand that you are also a person with needs and that there are things he can learn to do to help himself, that will help you too! It's a gift, in a way. I wish my parents had given me any bit of information or encouragement to make life better for myself and those I care about.

[atticusfinch]

hello all, I will come back and answer more specifically, but I'm super wiped out emotionally today for reasons I'll explain when I come back, but I just wanted to get on here and say THANK YOU for your replies. They are SO helpful. I have been feeling overwhelmed by this problem and hearing your advice has helped me see little cracks of light that I can work my way toward in my efforts to help my son have a happier life.