Want to go NC with mom but not dad-what to do?

[TiredGirl]

My dad is a kind loving man. He is only one in my life who has loved me. But he lives with my mother who is an evil witch narc with borderline traits. He has been as victim of her Narc abuse too. But he is too trauma-bonded to leave her. I can easily go No Contact with my evil mother, bit if I go NC with her, I will be forced to go No Contact with him too, as he lived with her. Please help me resolve this dilemma.

[bloomie]

TiredGirl - hello and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have found this community! From the bit you shared, it sounds like things have become untenable with your mother's treatment of you. I am so sorry!

I am wondering if there are any hobbies or activities that your father and you share, or that your father does away from the house? Are there times you mother may be routinely gone? Is it possible to see your dad during those types of times?

What I have found in my own family is that it has not been possible to go completely NC with one parent that lives with the other that I still want to maintain contact with. But, it is possible to navigate very limited contact.

That reality has been incentive to grow stronger boundaries and a toolset for those times I will encounter and spend a bit of time with a difficult, unsafe family member. I also recognize that with every contact I need to plan for some time to recover afterwards.

Just some thoughts to get you going. The toolbox at the drop down menu above has a trait section that is really helpful in building that toolset.

[Tribe16]

My dad is a kind loving man. He is only one in my life who has loved me. But he lives with my mother who is an evil witch narc with borderline traits. He has been as victim of her Narc abuse too. But he is too trauma-bonded to leave her. I can easily go No Contact with my evil mother, bit if I go NC with her, I will be forced to go No Contact with him too, as he lived with her. Please help me resolve this dilemma.

Does Dad have a cell phone? The last 4 years of my Dad's life we visited via cell phone every 7-10 days. I was able to fly out and visit once or twice a year (and put up with my mother's cruelty). He came and stayed with me for two weeks and we had a great time. The last couple of visits with Dad were in the nursing home and I didn't visit Mom. I don't think I've talked to my mother more than 6-7 times on the phone in the past 4 years. I hope there's a way you can keep in touch. My dad always loved to forward email jokes to me too, and that was another way we could communicate without her getting involved. I am not truly NC but I am matching her effort, which is NIL. I did recently forward some pics in a text of a new grandbaby to her and got a "thank you" and that is the extent of our relationship for now.

[mary_poppins]

If I were you I would just keep communication with dad via email. It seems safer that way.
Meeting up with him while I'm NC with mother seems like a very difficult and unsafe thing to do. Good luck.

[DanAnni]

Hi TiredGirl!

I've been NC with my mom for two years now. She still lives with my dad, who is very trauma-bonded to her, which as you know complicates things. Despite that, I've managed to maintain a relationship with my dad. We mostly talk on the phone, and occasionally, when he has the time, we meet up for lunch. My mom sometimes tries to use him as a way to communicate with me, but I've made the decision not to engage, so I don't respond to those attempts.

It's definitely not the same relationship I had with my dad when I was still living with them, and honestly, it's hard to let go of that closeness. But at the end of the day, you have to prioritize your own well-being. For me it was important to figure out that maintaining contact with my mom was something I couldn't handle just to keep close to my dad. At the end of the day I had to protect myself and try to choose the safest path.

Hope it helps.