Tiny Lies

[j.banquo]

I've noticed something recently about my 82yo unBPD mom's behavior. Tiny lies.

I'm caring for her since she has an injury, so that means cooking and shopping.

One day at breakfast she goes "can I have some blueberries," and that's no big deal. But she goes on to say that she has blueberries every morning, don't I remember? Which isn't true, I've been here for eight months now and I would've noticed. Why lie about this? Why not just say she wants them every day now? She feels ashamed of wanting them, so she makes it into something I've done wrong?

Another day I put a container of dog treats in her bedroom, next to the bed, so I wouldn't have to get them for her myself, and she claimed it wouldn't work, she'd have to walk too much to get them, because she gives them to the dog when the dog is in her bed, and that's the ritual the dog needs. Which I thought was absurd. But whatever, okay, ritual to be respected.

But the other day I was in there closing her windows, and I saw her give the dog her treat, and it did not happen the way she claimed she does it, she just gave the dog the treat in the middle of the room, no big deal. I think she just likes getting me to do things for her.

I wish I could not let this get to me, and they're such small things, but the reality is that she is just making up lies to justify whatever she wants in any given moment, and that hurts.

Anyone else? Tiny lies that shouldn't matter but do?

[notrightinthehead]

What might help is to self reflect where exactly the hurt comes from. Your mother lies and invents stories as she goes along. These stories put you in the wrong. That's how she is. Could it be that you think she should not be like that? That she should be honest and fair? And you are disappointed and hurt because she is not like the mother you wished for? Then the way out of the pain would be to radically accept that you have no control over how your mother behaves. It's got nothing to do with you. All you can do is stand back and shake your head.

[j.banquo]

What might help is to self reflect where exactly the hurt comes from..

This is very helpful, thank you.

[sunshine702]

I would write in your journal each night right now.  Looking back on my old journal entries from three year ago with a PD was one of the biggest things for healing for me. In the moment I thought it was me and something I did or they wanted me to do.

Once you have documented years of these things you can see the forest for the trees -

right now just document trees (incidences) it will help you get it out and no take it in as much.

[nanotech]

I think it may be that they require US to adhere to their ideal world routines, plans and schedules, (whether these are true or not!) -but if they themselves decide to change the circumstances, or do things differently , well then that's absolutely fine.
They love moving the goalposts. Keeps us feeling unsure and unconfident.


Seen this with my dad.

Directing the ways of doing things can simultaneously make them feel very powerful and important.

But the rules aren't for them.


And let's face it, if you'd put the dog treats in the kitchen that would have been 'wrong' too. They just love countering, correcting, admonishing.
It's best to see it for what it is - the product of UNPD behaviour.
I know it can feel frustrating, but these days I just laugh to myself when my dad tries stuff like this. There's no reasoning with him even though logic is very much on my side!

[Queenfrog]

Is there any chance your mother is experiencing dementia? My mother has it, and she often confidently states things that just aren't true, because she is remembering wrong. She's not a PD person, but my experiences with my parents have got me interested in the intersection between dementia and personality. We failed to see my father's dementia for what it was, because it was so in line with his personality. Which is to say, even if your mother does have dementia she may ALSO like getting you to do things for her.

[j.banquo]

Is there any chance your mother is experiencing dementia? My mother has it, and she often confidently states things that just aren't true, because she is remembering wrong. She's not a PD person, but my experiences with my parents have got me interested in the intersection between dementia and personality. We failed to see my father's dementia for what it was, because it was so in line with his personality. Which is to say, even if your mother does have dementia she may ALSO like getting you to do things for her.

Fortunately, she does not have dementia. One way I know is that her lies are limited to things she wants, especially food. Another way I know is that she has always tried to shift reality to save herself embarrassment or perhaps any negative emotion. Either shift reality or simply ignore it.

Sorry to hear about what you've been through with your parents, and what they've gone through.