daughter is not speaking to me

[verum71]

I don't even know where to begin here - uggh.  In a previous post, I had shared that my daughter did not want me at an upcoming medical procedure and I was struggling with this big time.  I had shared with her some of concerns about this and she has decided to ghost me for the last 3 weeks.  I sent her a letter that said if she was willing to talk about this I would be open and available.  I have tried to call and sent several texts and ... nothing.  She is seventeen and heading in to her senior year.  A friend of mine gave me some advice a while back, that you "are responsible for the effort and not the outcome".  I plan to continue to try and keep the channels open, but I will say that not a minute goes by in any given day that i am thinking, worrying, anxious, sad and searching for some kind of answer. 
I have also run into another problem with my daughter and her relationship with my wife.  You can't make this up!  My BPDx's current husband had a spinal injury and was sent to a trauma unit where my stepdaughter works.  My stepdaughter has never met BPDx's husband and has been assigned to be his nurse.  He starts saying a few things in the intake and my stepdaughter realizes that much of it is too much of a coincidence and tells the charge nurse someone else should be put in there.  Somehow BPDx finds out about it, makes a big deal about it and tries to get my stepdaughter fired.  While all of this is going on at the hospital, my 17 year old daughter shows up and is stuck there having to participate in this chaos.  I found out about this several weeks after it had happened, because it had to be addressed internally at the hospital.  Prior to finding this information out, all of a sudden my daughter has been talking to me about she doesn't want to have a relationship with my wife, which seems to be too much of a coincidence to not be some sort of cause and effect relationship.  You can't make it up.
The only solution it seems to me is to hurry up and wait - any advice will be welcome

[escapingman]

Hi Verum,

I have read your other posts and completely understand your frustration, I am in a similar situation. I can't give you any good advice unfortunately as it's all on your daughter to see the light. Until then, all you can do is keep showing her you love her and hope that one day she will have that moment of clarity. I have watched a few videos on youtube by Maddie (https://www.youtube.com/@TheAnti-AlienationProject) who grew up as an alienated child and didn't see the truth until an adult. One of the things she says, and I can see it with my daughter, is that it is not the child that are rejecting you but a copy of the alienator (your ex). My daughter keep repeating the exact same lies as my ex has told her about both me and my other daughter (she saw through the lies from the start and lives with me). I can never forgive my ex for how she has (hopefully only temporary) ruined the relationship between both me and my daughter but also the relationship between my daughters. The only way for me to manage this situation mentally is to radical accept how it is and move on with my life knowing I have a "lost" child which hopefully one day will come home.

Good luck with your situation, but don't give in for any demands as that will only strengthen your ex's hand.

[verum71]

Thanks for the video suggestion. I've got a long commute to work and I'll listen to some of it. On my way. My daughter is really copying all of her mom's behavior, for sure. The struggle with me my immediate family right now is that we all feel she should be old enough to know better. this event at the hospital and not want to be there for good or bad Has caused some hurt feelings. I should make it clear that this is not just a one off. This behavior of ignoring me when her mom is around has been going on for years.