I feel like a fool

[InvisibleDaughter]

I was NC with NPD Mom for a few months last year. I was feeling balanced mentally and was able to stay focused on my goals and my marriage.

My Mom reached out to me to tell me she was getting divorced and we resumed a relationship. This time felt really different. She appeared to be more loving and came across that she wanted a relationship.

It's been about 8 months and I'm seeing through the charade. It's effecting my mental health. Today at a cookout, hubby and I showed up and my Mom ignores us both. She got up to move, walked by us and didn't even say hi. I'm struggling with some health issues and the heat was making it worse today. I walked to the side of the house to sit in the shade. My husband texted me then came over and we decided to leave. I get a text from her hours later, asking if I'm ok. I told her it's like I'm invisible when she's with my aunt. She said she was going to go check on me after she was done eating. Everyone was done eating!!

I'm just so tired of being plan B. I cried on the way home. Seeing my cousin with his children reminded me of my Dad who I lost when I was 13. He always made e feel loved.

I'm considering going LC again, because I just end up feeling like a fool every time I get sucked back in.

When I did LC I did not miss interacting with her.

If anyone has any advice it's greatly appreciated. I know I need to protect myself from someone who feels like she's taking cues from the Devil. I don't know how else to describe it.

[notrightinthehead]

It's the hope and expectations that brings you down. Forfeit hope and expectations, allow yourself to just watch what happens and experience the moment. I know it's easier said than done, but if you practice and try hard, you will manage. You can take it as a learning experience- how interesting, this is how my mother behaves....and it will not hurt you.

[frogjumpsout]

I'm so sorry, that's very hurtful! I agree, it seems malicious from your mother's part, and I think LC would be a fine option, ID. I hope your health issues get better soon, too.

 

[treesgrowslowly]

Whoa! My mother has done the exact same thing at family gatherings!

What you describe is SO familiar to me with my NPD mother. My mother would get supply from me, and then at a family gathering, act as if I didn't exist, and then call later to try to justify her disordered behaviour.

I've written about this before on the boards - about how this throws us off balance. Just like you describe. Do they know they are doing it? I have no idea...I've spent years wondering if NPD's know what they are doing or not. But in my case, mine couldn't stop. She couldn't stop doing this crazy cycle. She's probably still doing it to this day, just not to me.

All I can really talk about with certainty is my own experience with this stuff. I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle her crazy making cycles of discard and needing supply from me, and coming after it in these disordered ways, over and over and over. Once I realized that mine was going to do this to me, and it was ALL she was capable of, I was out. I was done. I could not let her do that to my life over and over. When I asked her to stop doing this and she didn't stop, I went LC and then eventually NC.

My advice is to be easier on yourself about being sucked in. Non PD parents are not like this, it is not your fault you've got a parent who is stuck in this cycle. Give yourself credit for seeing it after only 8 months. Given the bond these people have because they raised us, it's a win anytime we see any of their charades! It is not easy to have PD parents. Give yourself credit for seeing through the charade.

Trees

[Rebel13]

I couldn't handle her crazy making cycles of discard and needing supply from me, and coming after it in these disordered ways, over and over and over. Once I realized that mine was going to do this to me, and it was ALL she was capable of, I was out. I was done.

So true, me too! It's so bewildering. I would keep wondering what I had done to make her treat me that way. Why wasn't I as interesting as whoever else she was preferring that day? Why couldn't we all be part of a group conversation? It does a lot of damage and I don't blame anyone, at all, for getting away from it to the best of their ability.

[moglow]

Looking back at mine, she could have one "friend" at a time. They were the center of her world and she repeatedly dropped them and their thoughts into every conversation. Everyone else was discounted, mocked, sneered at, gossiped about. Mother'd have a death grip on that friend until some unknown something chopped her loose, then she'd latch onto the next. And she could not be alone except she truly was.

I remember many times being ignored or pushed aside then later mother'd be on a running diatribe about that very person and telling all their personal business. You know, the things they said to her when they thought they were her friend. Mother collected ammunition, and it was always fired back when you were least prepared or most vulnerable. I'd be so glad to have her attention and supposed care that id spill things I probably shouldn't, and it always came back to bite me.

What I'm saying is, look at the big picture with her and other relationships. Consider the conversations youve had when she's friendly (with you or others), look for patterns of behavior, if this is how she is with everyone. It might help you detach from the emotions and hurt this causes. She may honestly be unaware she's doing it or that it's so obvious, but that doesn't mean she's likely to change. It may help you accept things as they are rather than expectations of something different. It will help you heal and gird against future hurt.

That doesn't make you a fool, it confirms your humanity. You expect better of her. And it still hurts sometimes, I know.

[bloomie]

InvisibleDaughter - given this... your forum name, this experience at the family gathering with your mom has been her way for a long time. And it is taking a big toll.

You are possibly believing the messages she is knowingly or unknowingly sending you. And exposing yourself to the push-pull.

The reality may be that your mother is not healthy enough to have a safe relationship with. Only you can find the level of contact that you can handle and manage without being deflated by her treatment of you.

We can speculate all day about the why's of all of this and still never know what this is truly about, but I do know without a doubt that your mother's choices say everything about her and nothing about you and your worth and value in this world.

One other thing to add.. having grown up with this same kind of uncertainty and long periods of discard and refusal to speak to, or acknowledge me in my own relationship with my mother.. as an adult, I don't know how to handle well this kind of treatment out of the blue by someone, especially a loved one. Given my abuse history, I simply do not stay close to anyone who is not reasonably consistent and considerate toward me as I am to them or with whom the relationship is way out of balance.

A couple of resources that have been so helpful to me of late:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=ucanoutdoors
These are short vids that advocate self care and protecting your peace. I find them like a shot in the arm every day to stay focused on knowing my worth in interactions and they also help me as they remind to let go and choose to invest in my own good and worth life.

And the work of Dr. Ingrid Clayton found here: https://www.youtube.com/@IngridClaytonPhD
who offers insights and tools in dealing with complex trauma - even defining the difference between traumatic events and longer trauma and the impact on our nervous systems. Very helpful vids for me and I hope for you as well.

This video talking through the silent treatment as "hidden abuse" may be especially timely given your post and the behaviors you describe from your mother and their impact on you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VofrCehgZQ

Most of all you say this: 'I feel like a fool' and even though you may feel that way thankfully feelings are not facts. You are not a fool. You have seen the patterns and are looking for answers and opportunity to move beyond the yucky, unsettling understandable response to mistreatment.

[NarcKiddo]

My experience of that sort of thing is that my mother seems to regard me as her toy. Sometimes I am her favourite toy. I am brought to the front of the toy box, paid attention to etc. Sometimes I am the boring old reliable toy, shoved to the back of the toy box and ignored. Sometimes I am the out of favour toy, hurled across the room in a fit of rage.

I am as LC as I can get away with (I don't want to go fully NC for various reasons, unless she pushes me over the brink) and completely grey rock in my interactions with her. This means my general position is at the back of the toy box. I recently had some major health issues that I felt I should disclose to FOO, partly because last minute medical appointments might prevent me from attending events they wanted me at and it was just easier for the excuse to be the truth. Also, one landed me in ICU so there was no hiding that one! When she felt a danger that her toy might be snatched from her I was promoted to the front of the toy box.

I have discussed this with my T a lot. My T has pointed out that actually I have very little (if any) say over my position in the toy box. I can be as nice as pie and still be at the back or hurled across the room. I can be boring and grey rock and find myself at the front (and not just because of a health scare; this has happened at all sorts of random times). She views me as her toy and she decides where I am in her pecking order. It is pointless my trying to affect my position, so now I don't try, and I try not to care where I might be.

As bloomie said, your mother's choices say everything about her and nothing about you.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Invisible Daughter.

I feel like your post could have been written by me. I resonate with how you feel about breaking NC.
'I'm considering going LC again, because I just end up feeling like a fool every time I get sucked back in.'

Feeling like a fool after being 'sucked back in' by a PD person is normal. These people are incredibly manipulative and so, in the beginning of being in contact again, we think they truly changed-at least a bit. When I went back into contact with mom, she was very nice, love bombing me with worry, care, presents and questions (she never asks questions). But after a while, she reverted back to her (true) abusive persona. It was horrible and I think I was depressed for months. She really didn't change.

So you're not alone in this realization. What these people are capable of in order to get back in touch with their main sources of supply (aka adult children) is unbelievable. I am pretty sure they can even do illegal things to get us back into their world. There are no limits to what they're capable of.

Now that you know she was faking it, you can grieve her. Let yourself cry. It's not your fault that she's like this. It's also not a bad thing that you wanted to re-connect with her. You're just a human who wants her mother in her life. Of course it hurts when you realize you don't really have a caring mother but an abuser who will do anything to get her 'fix'.