Detach with love?

[verum71]

My youngest daughter is 17 and currently lives with my BPDx.  She has been staying there full time for the better part of a year.  Almost all of my recent posts have pointed to a slow drip of alienation that has been going on for the last several years.  My daughter has some very significant health issues and at her last several appointments has stated that she doesn't want me at the hospital (of course my BPDx is there).  I had a long conversation a week or 2 ago on the phone where she had said to me "you haven't been to any of my other appointments, why do you want to go now?"  which is the punch line that my BPDx likes to use all of the time.  This is a circular argument that is not winnable - I can't be at the appointments unless I know when they are.  BPDx - and my daughter for that matter - don't tell me of the appointments.  When I go to the appointments, my BPDx and my daughter don't acknowledge that I am there and the tension could split a rock.  My daughter had a procedure 2 weeks ago that may have required having her kidney removed - she said that she didn't want me there.  BPDx was no help either - couldn't even tell me how I would be informed if something were to happen. So ... I am at a crossroads.
This is directly affecting my physical and mental health.  Had to go to the ER last Friday because of tightness in my chest.  I was pretty sure it was anxiety - they had to rule out a heart attack.  Everything checked out good any heart related issues.  Got a prescription for an anti-anxiety med and some direction from my new doctor for finding some counseling.  I've come to the point where I don't know if I can continue to take this beating anymore, and I am at a loss on how to "separate and detach with love".  I can't help but feel like this behavior by my daughter is designed to punish me and I don't understand it.  I feel like she is old enough, at 17, to know better.  It's kind of like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  If I make the effort, I am ignored.  If I don't make effort, it feeds the narrative at BPDx's house that "your dad doesn't even care".  How many times on this forum do see people say "I am just tired/exhausted/spent etc?"  Any feedback woild be appreciated

[bloomie]

verum71 - Yikes. A better description of a double bind I have yet to read. The word that came my mind as I was reading through your post is patience. With yourself and with a daughter that it sounds like is struggling with serious health challenges and confusion around how to be in relationship with both you and your BPDx.

Your body is telling you that you need to prioritize your own health and wellbeing so that you can be in your own life strong and resilient.

Would detaching with love be making some kind of loving statement one time to your dear daughter - in writing or in person or both, that you love and support her and know figuring out all of this is hard. That you will be at as many appointments and procedures you know about, physically are able to, and that she wants you to be at. And that you will respect your daughter's decisions about if/when she notifies you.  That said, you are not responsible to be at appointments you don't know about and you will respect her wishes when she requests she doesn't want you there.

Having had a uBPD mother I can imagine that if your daughter doesn't ignore you at appointments she catches it when she goes home. That possibility doesn't make it less painful to be ignored, but could help you understand from her perspective - she's also in a bind.

You are at a crossroads. This is complex boundary work. Working on what is yours to do in all of this and what you will or will not engage in - even in your emotions. Setting limits on where you allow your thoughts and emotions to go is a place to start. Getting medical and psychological help with all of it is so wise.

As hard as this season is, you can continue to do your work to stay steady and make sure your daughter knows you are in it with her for the long haul. That doesn't mean answering to her for things out of your control or ignoring your own health and wellbeing. 

Sometimes part of these double bind situations is to come to terms with being misrepresented and misunderstood knowing that your true good character and sincere love is evident over time and your daughter will see that. Sending you strength, patience, and rest!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Verum, So sorry you are going through this!  How scary and stressful!  And then your own health scare on top of it.

Yes, trying to be there for a child in the midst of control by a PD is exasperating!  I want to stop having to deal with the uPD, but that would mean I could give no help to the child.  So I am pulled hard in two different directions like you're describing.  Self care certainly helps.  For me that looks like therapy and other safe support in between.  And something that really seems to make a difference is getting involved with people and activities which are enjoyable, have nothing to do with this stuff, and make me feel I have a life other than this cr#*!  As hard as extra time can be to come by, when I take the time to do that, the other stuff doesn't bother me nearly as much

It's hard to know what might be causing your daughter's behavior and it may not be personal to you at all. She may just be acting out her anger and stress with the only safe parent she has.  Living with a BPD is crazy-making and having such serious health problems at that age must also be also terrible for her.  I imagine she's very scared and angry over the situation.  It was never much comfort to me, but therapists always reminded me, you're the safe parent so they're going to take out their frustrations on you.  It doesn't have to make any sense and doesn't necessarily say anything about the child's real feelings toward you.  Is it possible not to personalize it?

Also, as Bloomie mentioned, she has to try to manage her mom.  Maybe the extra tension it creates makes it less stressful if you're not both there at the same time with her, even if she misses having you.    And she may have developed a hefty case of "fleas"  just living with a BPD.

I like the suggested statements Bloomie offered.  It's hard to do,  but if a child (even an adult child) lashes out, I try to acknowledge their feelings (maybe fear, frustration, anger, a sense of unfairness) instead of responding to their unfounded accusations about me.  Too often I go to defensiveness.  But I try, when I remember, and it helps.  I hope you get some relief soon!  You sure deserve it!