New here and struggling to even know where to begin

[starthealing2]

Hey there,
A friend has highly encouraged me to join this group and post some of what I am going through. I am nervous and have no idea where to begin or what all to share...but I am at such a low, low... so here goes nothin...

I just hit my 12th year of marriage to my husband and we have 3 kids. I have always known my husband to be tough; he is not much of an emotional guy at all and he has challenged me in that sense since I have known him. We have very different backgrounds growing up. Mine is a big, loving Christian family, who is still all close to this day. He grew up in a broken home; his parents divorced when he was around 3 and it was messy, and ultimately they both remarried. He and his younger brother were played against each other with their parents all their lives. So he has many unresolved past trauma/issues that he never dealt with. Fast forward now to our relationship...

We got married about a year after we met and I always had signs of his tough, selfish, dominating personality, but the pros always seemed to outweigh those things. Our entire marriage I have worked and he has stayed home. Originally this was due to a small dumb thing on his record, but then it just seemed to work so the kids had a parent at home. We were very in love still; had our first kid a year after being married, and the rest followed. So, the reason I am here is that recently I have really been 'awaken' to the emotional abuse I have been enduring over probably the last 10 years from him. He was always a very vocal guy; says what he thinks, when he thinks it and it can be harsh. Things would really escalate when he would drink, which seems to be a problem in his family. Is he a true alcoholic?? I dont think really... he will drink some days and not others, but eventually he'd drink more and more in one sitting until finally would come the 'explosion day.' It was never in front of the kids until a recent event, but those nights would be so bad! He would ALWAYS threaten divorce to me. But mostly, he would name call bad and just continue to make threats and put me down. Then somehow by the end of the night I would be apologizing and begging him to come in bed to end the night with me and make it ok. Then in the morning it would be like wow, he really said all these things to me. He would then majorly apologize (really not even remembering all the horrible things he had said) and then say he wouldn't drink again. This would last a few months, and then everything would circle back again...over and over and over again! I have always kept all this to myself over the years about the way he treats me (drunk or not drunk) because I didn't want my family or friends to think differently of him... I would cry myself to sleep sometimes and then hear "you better not be crying right now," so I would try and hide it. These are just a few examples ( I don't know how much to share yet... :/)

So just in the last few months, I had started to notice big changes in my kids...attitudes and his harsh consequences he'd give them for things. Kids not wanting to go to sports games with him or things like that. He was always the type that would threated harshly with words.  example: kids fighting in the car and he would say "you better stop or im going to throw you out and leave you." Now would he ever do that?? No, but the kids still fear it. Recently with their fighting he has threatened boot camp and they come to me crying and I have to assure them that it is not a thing and they are safe. So everything came to a head recently when he was drinking one night and I finally said the words and said we need a divorce. Now that I was the one to say it he LOST it. He yelled at me all night. Threatened thing after thing. Started changing passwords to our banks and things like cameras in the house and was threatening me that I have a lot coming to me now and I better be ready. I mean literally the worst night of my life! The next day....yup, you guessed it...the apologies!! And the I am never ever drinking again! Well at this point I just have felt DONE! Seeing that side of him has scared me to a whole other level. Needless to say the last few months have been horrible. We can't really do a real separation because we don't live by family now. So the everyday in the home is miserable. I am constantly walking on eggshells. The first month was full of paranoia on his side which would lead to him making drastic decisions and continue to be mean. Then more recent he has tried to change everything. Be the Disney Dad and do all the things he has never done being the stay at home (laundry, playing with kids, asking me about work which he NEVER wanted me to talk about when I came home, running errands that I always did, etc). All of this feels so unreal to me...I don't even feel like I can accept it or feel like its genuine! I literally feel like I go crazy because one day he is begging me to stay and love him and so on, and the next he freaks out thinking I am 'planning things' and then he treats me so mean and tries to say that I am hurting him more than he ever hurt me and so on. Recently since he is with the kids 24/7 and I work, I have noticed the kids turning on me some....which is SOOOOO out of their norm. They always cling to me, but everyone seems mad that I work and that I am gone. He will tell me you should hear what they say, but I back you up. I mean they never ever would be like that to me...all I can feel is like what info is he feeding them when I am not around?! He has been the one that has made comments to them about mom not loving him anymore and crying to them looking for love and support from them. He was sleeping in another room and recently just decided he didn't care about the 'boundaries' so he moved back in the bedroom, which now pretty much pushed me back out because I am not ready to sleep together.

There is a lot of holes in my story but I feel bad making this so long so I will cut it off for now and then maybe figure out where to post more specific areas of the story. My kids definitely are being affected right now. My middle specifically is really acting out and I just got her to counseling. My counselor I found disappeared so I am trying to find another one, along with a couples one for us (which makes me nervous because I am afraid he is going to manipulate the counseling sessions and I really need the person to be someone who calls him out). He basically refuses to get a job at this point even though I have said it is time financially and now just for sanity as well. Anyhow, I am soooo lost. I feel so trapped and stuck on a day to day basis. I truly in my heart want a divorce; he scares me, I can't even parent with him on the same level anymore and its affecting the kids, but I know I need to also be patient and take my time in this. Please feel free to direct me on this website on where I should post certain things or whatever I need to know to best navigate through this website. Thanks so much for reading and sorry it ended up way longer than I was going to do! 

[Rebel13]

I am so sorry you are going through this! In my opinion you are being abused. You do not deserve this. You and your kids deserve to live in a safe, peaceful situation. I hope you can find help here, specifically on the Relationship boards. I personally find the blog/website ChumpLady to be a marvelous resource for navigating intimate relationships with disordered people, even if you are not dealing with infidelity which is her focus. I have also heard some good things about One Mom's Battle, on dealing with high-conflict divorce and parental alienation, which it sounds like you might be coping with.

I hope others here will have good advice for you and really, I wish you strength and comfort in this difficult situation.

[Hypervigilant]

I'm so sorry you are living this way.
Sounds very much like coercive control and it's a horrible way to live. The eggshell walking is exhausting.
I tried counselling and he took over the sessions, He was never at fault so I saw her alone and she pointed out some of the control. With support I left with my children and never looked back. There is life after abuse. Get support where you can, friends, family or even charities or refuges. Be aware he will not like losing control so you will need to be ready for him to amp up his behaviour.
I got a great lawyer that navigated through his smoke and mirrors(they quickly change to victim and put you in the abuser role)
This is my 30th year of Freedom and it was the best decision for me and my boys.