Spiral

[StartingHealing]

Hi to all the brave souls here.

I thought that I would put this here as I think? it's typical in the healing process to swing back around to things of the past, peeling back another layer, allowing the light to enter and this process has been happening with me to a great extent and it's appears to be increasing in the timing of occurrences.

This isn't a rehash, it's like the title, a spiral.  Just like how the earth orbits around the sun which is in orbit around the galaxy center, the earth traces a spiral. 

this go round, lots of anger is coming to the fore.  It's been, lets see, the final orders happened in May last year, then the shenanigans of getting the marital residence sorted which happened in Nov last year.   That's 8 months since the last round of foolishness?  Not to mention the court ordered alimony garnishment which came in 6 months ago.  Even though I was fully compliant before the court order was executed. 

Now with it confirmed that the site I work at will be winding down, there are questions I have concerning if I change where I reside ( at the minimum a different state) and employer then what?  Not to mention the then what if I go the digital nomad route.

Wishing here all the best

[losingmyself]

Sending strength and positive thoughts your way!

[StartingHealing]

Sending strength and positive thoughts your way!

Thank you!   

[square]

I anticipate experiencing that spiral. Not looking forward to it, but the way you describe it makes sense. Too much to just walk into headfirst, so you peel off a layer at a time and maybe take a little break then come around again.

At least a spiral ultimately goes somewhere. Not just round and round. There's an ingress and an egress.

That garnishment is bullshit.

[notrightinthehead]

I have found that every time I went down into the ugly darkness again, I came out faster and more at peace with myself. Sending you patience and strength!

[StartingHealing]

I anticipate experiencing that spiral. Not looking forward to it, but the way you describe it makes sense. Too much to just walk into headfirst, so you peel off a layer at a time and maybe take a little break then come around again.

At least a spiral ultimately goes somewhere. Not just round and round. There's an ingress and an egress.

That garnishment is bullshit.

square,

yes, the spiral does have major suckage.  It's so worth it though!    Here are some encouraging points for you.  I'm finding myself again. [that has been way interesting]  My daily experience is so peaceful.  Restful at times even.  {chuckle}  Although there are times that it does get a little peoplely. That I think is me just over correcting a bit, which I also expected.  Well, considering all the years that the me was being compressed, and now without the pressure whoosh!  It will settle.  My mentor even mentioned that I am 'expanding' into where I am supposed to be the me that I'm supposed to be.  Does that make sense?

For sure, the spiral is such a powerful image isn't it? 

100% on the garnishment. 

Sending you all the best

[StartingHealing]

I have found that every time I went down into the ugly darkness again, I came out faster and more at peace with myself. Sending you patience and strength!

Thank you 

[square]

I'm finding myself again. [that has been way interesting] 

That is super good to hear. Very hopeful, too.

Although there are times that it does get a little peoplely. That I think is me just over correcting a bit, which I also expected. 

You mean you have been extra social?

That sounds good, too. I'm an introvert, but I'm sick of the forced hermit life, and sick of having no connections.

I'm not sure how I can make friends, though, because I don't see and hear well enough to just meet people. And as a result, am quite shy. But hoping to figure something out at some point.

Well, considering all the years that the me was being compressed, and now without the pressure whoosh!  It will settle.  My mentor even mentioned that I am 'expanding' into where I am supposed to be the me that I'm supposed to be.  Does that make sense?

Total sense.

Yes, I've been compressed, too. I hide my interests and thoughts and frankly literally hide myself in my room. No idea what uncompressing will look like. I really want to be more productive but am terrified that I waited too long and maybe can no longer do the things I want to do.

[StartingHealing]

square,

I wouldn't say I am being extra social is more that when I am out and I interact with people, I'm not,  uh,  how to explain?   So before, I was super stressed like 24/7, wound tighter than a 2 dollar watch, which kept me from being 'present' in the moment.  Now, without the stress I'm able to be in the moment, and I have started to trust my 'take' on people's body language / facial expressions etc.  {Coming out of the gaslighting on that was a P.I.T.A.} Not to mention, I lived through some shite, you know?  So the snarky or the a$$hole bit other folks can do sometimes, it's like whatever, stop f-ing projecting your crapola on me. Don't care.

Had a wonderful conversation the other day with a gentleman about a good bourbon.  He had some suggestions, I had some suggestions, we both got each others suggestions, and by gum he was right!  I do enjoy a dram or two of a fine spirit occasionally.  I'll move out of the employees way, it's not my work hours you know? 

There are times though that when there is a great many people then for me it can get a bit much.  Not a fan of crowds.  to much scattered jibber jabber energy flying all over.  That is the nature of crowds though.

For me the un-compressing has been in fits and starts.  I'll try something and bletch, pass on that, don't fit.  Some of the things I used to like, now not so much.

 Picked up things that I've never done before and has been really enjoyable like pen pals. Some domestic, some international.  Photography which has been really cool. Shoot, when I needed to upgrade my mobile, I went with one that has the Hasselblad camera pack on it.(in the pyramid of cameras they are like the tippy tip top. Still handmade in Germany)  Well, the best camera to have is the one you have on you. Got some 35mm film cameras which is totally different than taking pictures digitally.

 How cool is it to capture a honey bee in a flower using a 70 to 210mm zoom lens on a totally mechanical camera?  I was, and still am, impressed by that.   That is another thing, I have done, and continue to do things that I can be proud of, I can be creative now, I can get a hair up my butt and say to myself "Self, we can write a book" and fricken do it!  Once done, I'll find a editor for a final polish and self publish off Amazon. I have a reasonably melodious voice so no worries on audio book format.  Then if a major publishing house wants to buy in, make me an offer I can't refuse folks, lets negotiate.  I'll pour the scotch and lets talk.

I am still finding areas in which her projections of self against me were a way for her to manipulate me.  Not my fault she didn't have a creative bone in her body, that she couldn't transfer skills from one area to another.  Listening to her though, it was totally opposite. Me, I'll grab something and learn as I go, her had to be totally laid out with a firm plan, that could never be deviated from. No room for improv as it were.   If you have ever sewed, there is gonna be a dropped stitch once in a while, or the needle, or the bobbin, or something.  It was common for her to verbally beat herself up over things for .. I think the longest time I recorded was something like 30 minutes.  Yeah.  The amount of effort it took to get her to break out of the negative self talk, oy.  Expected perfection out the gate.  No room to learn, grow, make a mistake, etc.  I needed to break her out of the negative talk because if I didn't, I wasn't going to sleep that night. There was going to be 'something' she needed to talk about, which turned circular, and then it usually turned into an argument, and then I'm rolling into work on 2 hours of sleep.   

square, you don't have to respond to this if you don't want to.  What do you mean "to be productive"?  You speaking to employment? creative work? or ??? I'll confidently say that you will be pleasantly surprised as you start finding yourself and un-compressing.  Humans, I should say, sane non-PD humans have this automatic thing, we find ways, avenues, to do actions that are productive.  That are uplifting to ourselves and to others believe it or not. Kinda how we wired.  I know. Lawdy I know, the doubts, the what if's. It's natural.  Pay it no mind.  It will pass.