Toxic Parents by Susan Froward - Yikes!

TimetoHeal · February 01, 2025, 12:25:58 PM

Hi, all.

I did find another post about this book, but it was very old, and I'm not sure if we're supposed to comment on posts that are years old? So, sorry if I am doing wrong by starting a new post!

Anyway, I recently checked out this book from the library, and I'm glad I didn't pay money for it! I was excited to read another book by this author, because I read and own "Mothers Who Can't Love", and it has helped me so much. But this one I think is really outdated. She does go through the different "kinds" of mothers who can't love, which is somewhat helpful, although I think there is a lot of overlap in the categories, and these are not scientific categories, just her naming of them. This same categorization is in her other book, so that was a repeat for me.

The part the really got to me though was that her "solution" is to write a detailed letter to your parent and what they did to you and how it made you feel, and then tell them what kind of relationship you are willing to entertain going forward. Yikes! This may (?) work with some parents, I guess, but Narcissistic parents would have a field day with this! I can only imagine the fallout this would cause with my narcissistic mother and the rest of the family. She would have nonstop supply, in writing, to share with the whole world. I remember reading on here about a member who had shared a letter with their parent, and it was brought out regularly for the family to make fun of.

I couldn't get this book back to the library fast enough. I'm glad I didn't heed the advice. I guess maybe it is just severely outdated? I can't remember the copywrite date off the top of my head.

Just wanted to give a head up to anyone else who might consider it.

square · February 01, 2025, 12:52:17 PM

It's outdated, yeah. It was wonderful to have someone talking about it when it came out - in the 90s I think - and I'm sure she herself has evolved over time.

TimetoHeal · February 01, 2025, 08:15:39 PM

Thanks, square!

moglow · February 01, 2025, 09:43:17 PM

Mine would absolutely have used such a letter against me, as I saw her do with any number of others over the years. The trick, if there is one, is never give them the letter. Read it to them and be sure to take it with you when you leave.

I'd venture a guess that Ms Forward's definition of toxic didn't necessarily translate into N/BPD. While I agree with the concept of writing it all out - over and over and over as needed! - sharing my thoughts with mommie dearest never ended well. First sign of opposition to whatever she had in mind and she shut down. Once she found air again, it was ON and woe be unto anyone in the vicinity while she unloaded. Eventually she'd run out of steam and launch into why things were "this way" between us. Um, THIS. This right here is why. And somehiw she'd be all confused, had no idea what I was talking about.

notrightinthehead · February 02, 2025, 01:53:06 AM

Definitely outdated. And look at your own healing - you knew straight away that this would not end well for you!

TimetoHeal · February 03, 2025, 02:02:30 PM

Quote from: notrightinthehead on February 02, 2025, 01:53:06 AMDefinitely outdated. And look at your own healing - you knew straight away that this would not end well for you!

Thank you for that validation, notrightinthehead!

TimetoHeal · February 03, 2025, 02:07:28 PM

Quote from: moglow on February 01, 2025, 09:43:17 PMMine would absolutely have used such a letter against me, as I saw her do with any number of others over the years. The trick, if there is one, is never give them the letter. Read it to them and be sure to take it with you when you leave.

I'd venture a guess that Ms Forward's definition of toxic didn't necessarily translate into N/BPD. While I agree with the concept of writing it all out - over and over and over as needed! - sharing my thoughts with mommie dearest never ended well. First sign of opposition to whatever she had in mind and she shut down. Once she found air again, it was ON and woe be unto anyone in the vicinity while she unloaded. Eventually she'd run out of steam and launch into why things were "this way" between us. Um, THIS. This right here is why. And somehiw she'd be all confused, had no idea what I was talking about.

I think you are right, mo. She may be talking about people with toxic traits, and not narcissism, per se. Although in her book Mothers Who Can't Love, one of her "categories" is the Narcissistic mother, and she does not make a distinction about dealing with them any differently. Oh, well.

Oh, lord, I know what you mean about how your mother would react. When I was younger, it would have been either full on rage or the silent treatment, whatever mood she was in. These days, as the poor, sick, elderly woman, the last time I tried to bring up something she had done that hurt me, she started wailing and whimpering like I was beating her with a stick or something. Full on elder abuse.

I mumbled something about, "I can see this phone call was a mistake", and ended the conversation quickly. There's just no winning with these people.

SaltwareS · January 21, 2026, 06:27:19 PM

This book was revelatory to me at the time I read it around 2009 or so, but it seems outdated today. Our culture has learned so much about NPD/BPD since the 1990's.

And I agree sending the letter is a bad idea. It's the classic advice I got year after year searching, and failing, to find someone who understood what it's like having an NPD parent. "I know! Sit your NPD parent down and explain how they've hurt you and ask them to stop doing the things that hurt you!" As if I hadn't tried that a million times in my life.

From what I remember, the book describes a lot of situations in which you form a relationship with a partner, the parent (either father or mother) acts really unpredictably.