Funeral service for my mother?

[ambivalent1]

My mother died 3 years ago.  No one in my family including her had told me she was dying until the last minute when I did visit her one last time.

It was my brother who called me. He's the only one I talk to.  He talks to me regularly, visited her regularly, and said nothing to me about the fact that she had cancer and was dying.
 
He also has autism. He's a very hard person to read and understand.  He may have thought I knew. I have no idea.

I asked him if she had many any arrangements for after she was gone. 
She was in a nursing home. I know she had no money, no life insurance and no other arrangements made in advance.

He told me she was going to be cremated. He was speaking to my sister, who hates me, hasn't spoken to me in years, and didn't speak to me before or after my mother died.

Besides telling me she would be cremated, he told me my sister said there might be some sort of service in the fall of that year.

I never heard about any service, and here is where my being put in a lot more pain comes into play.  I'm sure people can now figure out that, if he didn't mention she was sick, he might never have mentioned the service my sister apparently planned, or at least knew about. My sister hates me enough that she could be could be capable of having a service that I was excluded from.  I don't really know.

Also, I'm not sure where my mother's ashes are.  Since she had no money, I doubt they were buried. My best guess is my brother has them.

Being put in this position makes me so hurt and angry. My mother was very narcissistic and I feel like, with her death, she is even hurting me from the grave.

It also hurts that my sister has been so toxic and evil in the past that I could even consider her leaving me out of a funeral service.

I still need that cliched word "closure." I want to ask my brother about all this but I feel like the answer would break me because my family has put me through so much all my life.  I quite simply don't know what to do.

[bloomie]

ambivalent1 - my deepest condolences in the loss of your mother. I am so sorry things were so strained near the end of her life you are left with so much pain and confusion.

Weaponzing the grave illness and final arrangements for a parent by a sibling (your sister) who is the gatekeeper for all of that solidifies the wise choice to keep your distance. Your brother may simply be a pawn in the scenario.

It is also equally as likely that your sister planned and did nothing, or as little as possible, in remembrance of your mother's life. Not even an obituary. Have you searched to find a notice or obit?

That doesn't stop you from doing something meaningful to mark and remember your mother's life for yourself. It doesn't stop you from gathering with your brother and going to a place your mother loved or you love and remembering her together, if at all possible.

Or gather with friends, have a spiritual leader that is dear to you lead you in prayer and remembrance, light candles and play your mother's favorite music, dance, cry, sing, pray... do whatever is comforting to you.

You no longer have to put your emotional well being in the hands of a sister who is not careful with your feelings or respectful of your position as your mother's daughter. You cannot change whatever it is your sister did or did not do, but you can know that you will not be broken by this.

The unknown seems to be allowing your thoughts and fears to take over. Be empowered to celebrate your mother's life as you see fit with whom you choose. And begin to heal!

[Rebel13]

I still need that cliched word "closure." I want to ask my brother about all this but I feel like the answer would break me because my family has put me through so much all my life.  I quite simply don't know what to do.

Hi ambivalent1,

Here's what one of my favorite bloggers, ChumpLady, has to say about closure:
"Closure doesn't exist. Well, not in the sense that they're going to give you a reason that will make the heavens part and confer enlightenment. You do the hard work to heal yourself over time and find acceptance. It's probably never going to make sense to you why they betrayed you. If you're a good person, it shouldn't make sense."

She writes about infidelity but has a lot of insight into relationships with disordered people, and I think she's spot on here. It's unlikely anyone will get an answer from a disordered person that will be helpful in understanding or healing any situation. They just don't have it to give. I hope you can find a way to heal things for yourself, like bloomie suggests.