Living On The Edge

[walking on broken glass]

Hi guitarman,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the guilt and the urge to get in touch but, as you very rightly point out, a) your sister is getting the care she needs just now from medical professionals and b) getting in touch will be very bad for your own mental health. If I may add an extra reason that perhaps will make you feel better, getting in touch just now won't be good for your sister either. She clearly uses you and the rest of the family as punching bags and targets for abuse, so the distance is good for her too (even though she will never acknowledge it). Putting up with the abuse is only enabling her, so if you see it from an altruistic perspective too, what you are doing just now is the right thing! Her adult kids visit her and can bring you news, if you want to hear it (it would also be fine if you didn't want to hear it). And please, don't say that you are not strong enough to cope with raging and abuse. Noone should have to deal with anything like that ever. Not putting up with verbal violence and abuse is a mark of a sane, healthy person. I can understand how this all brought back memories for you and images from your childhood. As you very clearly articulate, you are in a different position now: you are not a child anymore, unable to defend yourself. You are an adult. You have options. You are safe.
Sending big hugs and hope it all becomes easier soon.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your reply.

I'm trying to be rational rather than emotional and use my wise mind. I'm trying to do what I want to do rather than what I feel I should, could, must or need to do. I'm learning more to do what I want. At the moment I don't want to visit my uBPD/NPD sister. Usually I would go rushing to be with her when she's been in distress. Now I've changed and it can be difficult to act differently. I need to let go and let be. It's about sticking to my firm boundaries.

It's good that we have this forum to support each other through some very challenging times.

I know I'm not strong enough to cope with my sister's problems. She could be calling me cruel and uncaring but I've reached my limit. It's taken many years to come to this conclusion. I need a lot of support, which thankfully I have from other mental health carers I know.

My sister is very skilled at making new friends. So she won't be lonely. She'll find allies to help her. She's very intelligent and resourceful. I just hope that she accepts any support that is provided for her, but that's up to her not me.

[guitarman]

My uBPD/NPD sister is still staying in a secure mental health hospital. One of my siblings went to visit her. Her Section 28 has been revoked, where she was detained for 28 days. She is staying there for one more week as a voluntary patient. She will be allowed to go outside.

I'm relieved that my sibling saw her. They said that she talked a lot about her physical health issues but did not acknowledge her mental health issues. It was always the way, so that's not unusual. They didn't tell me what her diagnosis is or any treatment that she's been receiving.

They ended the visit hugging so that's a positive sign.

I've been so concerned about my sister but I won't be going to visit her or be contacting her. I have to keep to my firm boundaries. I feel very guilty but I'm not feeling mentally well myself and know that I can't cope with her many issues. There are SO many!

Just thinking about her triggers me into a state of panic. I can't stop thinking about all the traumatic and abusive times with her.

So I'm being kinder to myself by not visiting her. I have to let other family members cope with her. I have to let go and let be. I tell myself that's she's being looked after by the mental health professionals. They should be doing what they can to help her. I don't suppose that she will ever change but she should now get the appropriate support, if she ever accepts it.

My sibling told me that she's missed several appointments for her physical ailments. It doesn't make sense if she believes she has been misdiagnosed. She was due to have a scan but missed that. She always believed she had life threatening illnesses that had been misdiagnosed.

So I don't suppose much has changed about her. My sibling told me she was talking about the same topics as before, mainly herself and all her illnesses.

I'm glad that she has had a visit other than from one of her adult children. I can relax now for a while knowing that she's hopefully on the way to recovery or at least not in such a bad crisis needing prompt medical attention.

[guitarman]

"Silence is my superpower."
- Dr Sherrie Campbell PhD

https://drsherriecampbell.com/

[guitarman]

My uBPD/NPD sister called me. I didn't take her call.

[Boat Babe]

You did the right thing Guitarman, but it obviously weighs on you. Remember: You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can do is protect yourself. I am proud of you. Hugs.

[guitarman]

Thank you so much. It's taken me years to be strong enough to set boundaries and go no contact to protect myself. I have to put my own needs first, before the needs of my sister.

Being in contact with my sister will only mean more abuse for me. She wouldn't have changed. I realise now that she never will, unless she has insight to her own behaviour.

I realise that I can't ever change her only she can do that. I have to look after me.

I've learnt that the opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference. I need to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and taking care of myself first.

[guitarman]

I plucked up the courage today to contact the mental health team about my own mental health issues. I'm not at all well. Still no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister.

[moglow]

Guitarman, the hardest step is the first one. It's never a bad thing to reach out for help - Having someone reach back and listen us off the ledges is a comfort all its own. Even when it's pointed out how twisted my thinking was, the redirection was so needed. I feel like I did a lot of damage to myself internalizing so much, I couldn't stop ruminating over the who did/said what and what I should have done/said and what if and and and. All those things I never got a chance to say or talk out, really did a number on me.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, and keep on talking through it. 

[guitarman]

Hello all

Just an update, I've not been posting for a long time.

My uBPD/NPD sister had been detained again "sectioned". So that is the third time in about eighteen months. She's been discharged and living on her own in supported housing with private carers visiting her twice a day to make sure she takes her meds and eats.

I don't know much about her as I don't have any contact with her. I care about her but can't cope with all her emotional abuse. I have my own mental health issues to cope with living with depression.

I feel SO guilty about not contacting her but know I wouldn't be able to cope with her demands and constant attention.

I know I have to look after myself first. "You can't pour anything from an empty bucket". There are other members of our family who are in limited contact with her.

The constant past life threatening dramas repeat over and over in my mind and I am consumed by negative thinking.

Anyway just an update.

Keep strong.

Best wishes
X

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you continue on your journey of healing.

[bloomie]

guitarman - good to hear from you!

I know I have to look after myself first. "You can't pour anything from an empty bucket".

So true! Thankful you are taking good care to not get entangled once again with all of the trauma and drama that is your sister's life.

[square]

Hey guitarman,

You've heard the saying about not lighting yourself on fire so someone else can stay warm. That applies here very strongly.

If you were to go rushing to your sister and do everything she thinks you ought to do for her - you would still not change her outcome any. You can't fix this, even if you were in fact willing to light yourself on fire. You can't even mildly improve it.

It takes a lot to get sectioned, much less for so long and multiple times over a relatively short period. This is clearly severe mental illness, whether the reason was suicidal threats/actions or a severe psychotic break.

That's important for a few reasons. One, this is well beyond your ability to help. Two, the perspective of this severely mentally ill person is directly and severely warped by the mental illness. Her view that you owe her your total sacrifice is as based in reality as the alien bugs her roommate might be seeing on the walls.

I'm familiar with how devestating it is to have someone you are closely connected to be sectioned (my teen best friend, multiple times, and my husband a few years ago). Gravity changes.

Guitarman, when the seeds of all this were germinating, you were a child.

All around your sister were adults: your parents. Her teachers (and coaches? Clergy members?). Her doctors. Other adult family members. 

If they couldn't stop or fix this, how could you, a child, a child terrified by abuse, a child with no resources, have helped in any way whatsoever?

And how are you supposed to fix this today when even the team of medical professionals who have trained and worked decades cannot do more than temporarily stabilize her, when even that so called stability is a house of cards?

It's not just that the burden isn't yours. You can carry it and it will not be noticed by her at all, nor will it lighten her load.

It's okay to put it down.

[guitarman]

Thanks everyone for your support and wise advice.

I've been informed that my sister will probably be detained "sectioned" for six months soon in a mental health hospital. I'm absolutely shocked and feel so guilty for not being in contact with her. However, I know that I can't cope with all her demanding and threatening behaviour. If she's not coping living on her own in supported housing she obviously needs long term supervised professional mental health support.

Apparently she's not complying with her medication routine which is when she gets unwell. So she needs to be supervised more closely to become stable again.

I'm trying to rationalise everything and say to myself it's the best place for her but it's still difficult not to feel so guilty. I have to let go and let the professionals take responsibility for her. She is their responsibility not mine.

We had a lovely family gathering recently, without our sister. She wasn't invited. People laughing and joking and enjoying themselves outside in the summer sun. It's something she would have enjoyed had she been well.

I am still haunted by her past abusive behaviour going back many decades. I even have nightmares about her. The last one was her trying to chase me down to get her revenge.

One of her adult children is her main carer. They aren't coping either. They are in regular contact with their mother as she calls or texts them many times each day.

I feel terrible for not being in contact. I suppose this is all trauma bonding and CPTSD. I'm so used to all the dramas and then the relief when everything appears to be calm for a short time. I used to know everything that was going on in her life. I'm so messed up. I expect to be shouted at and abused by other people. It's all very weird.

Keep strong.

X

[guitarman]

My sister has been "sectioned" detained in a mental health hospital. She will be there for six months. It happened three weeks ago and I've only been informed about it today. She had a tribunal where she appealed the decision but she lost.

I feel so sorry for her but it's the best place for her if she's not been coping well.

Keep strong.

Best wishes all

X