I'm struggling with honor thy mother

[Maree Rose]

My mother is very self absorbed. She always has been. At age 14 I lost my father. He had a heart attack. She made me her scapegoat and her helper.  I practically raised my siblings.  I am the oldest.  I struggle with how God wants me to think and behave having such a mother. Do I hold back my hurt and anger? I am the truth teller. My siblings brush me off. "Get over it" is their suggestion.  She is in a Nursing home and visiting drains me.  It's all about her.  For two years I have taken her whatever she needs. "Bring me this. I need this" I get angry at her narcisstic behavior and total self absorbed ways.  I do not understand being self absorbed as she took away any confidence I had. My thoughts about her and feelings I do not know how to stop.  I fear God will punish me . I don't think he wants me to suffer and struggle but honor her I'm not sure I'm  doing that. Its so very hard and sad

[SonofThunder]

Hi Maree Rose,

Im sorry you are struggling. Sorry also that you lost your father at such a young age.  I like to remember that Biblically, both parents and children have guidelines for their roles as God designed.  If a parent has abused their child (emotionally, physically, or any other way), then what is there to honor? 

Imo, there is a difference between giving birth to a child and being a mother, just as much as there is impregnating a woman and being a father.  Imo its not the biological that is the honor, but the responsible role of the position over time. If a biological mother or father has abused, which is counter to the responsible role, then again, imo nothing there to honor.  I actually believe it is dishonoring ourselves to honor our abuser.  I am not an abuser and I surely am not going to deliver honor treatment to someone who will not treat me with equality as a human. 

Since I am not the Potter, I can at minimum just make sure that pot is being treated decently as a human being.  But imo, all the other people at the nursing home deserve the same decency as your mother, as a fellow creation of the Potter. The pot is ultimately responsible to the Potter, not the fellow pots. 

You wrote:

"Hold back my hurt and anger?"

If you believe your mother is a PD, then from a practical side, unloading hurt and anger on a person who will not take ownership and/or must be the victim, can actually backfire or just fall flat for the unloader.  In addition, if the PD is losing mental capacity due to age, then imo that just adds to the backfire/fall flat.  If needing to truth-tell for your benefit, is there a way to do that to a therapist or pastor, in your journal or here at Out of the FOG or other places where others can truly hear you and empathize; places where it wont backfire or fall flat for you?

Again, imo the way we can potentially act in an honorable way toward God, is to both protect and honor ourselves, but potentially use our abilities to assist that elderly pot (who happens to be a biological parent) from not being abused or even neglected, but rather treated with dignity as a fellow human being. Since this woman is your bio-mom, is it possible that you can simply be the eyes and ears to assist in that dignified way, just as you would for another human being in the same nursing-home situation?

In that way imo, you are truly honoring the Potter who made the pot and not the woman who abused you and also honoring yourself by self-protection to avoid further suffering and struggling beyond what you have already endured.

SoT

[bloomie]

Maree Rose - I am moved by your honesty and self reflection in response to this season in your mother's life.

What stands out to me ask, having read through your other posts, is it possible you are looking to people who are not healthy enough or emotionally mature enough, safe enough, to see the pain and struggle the kind of contact you are having with your elderly, high conflict, demanding mother is for you?

Someone once gave me this very helpful advice as I was struggling to meet the unrealistic, ever changing, demands of a loved one... "find someone who is able to care for you" to meet with and talk through the emotional tide that is often the final days of a mother who is not healthy enough to truly love as you so deserve.

As SonofThunder suggests, a mentor, pastor, support group for caregivers and of course, here at Out of the FOG you will find compassion and empathy for how incredibly difficult it is to find balance and maintain limits with a parent such as you describe.

Here is a link to some resources to look through and add to the support system you are building for yourself by reaching out here.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=9c780103d40157840cba4919e50d9971&topic=68854.0

And as a note... SonofThunder, I have copied your reply to my journal. It is so clear, logical and helpful. Thank you!

[Maree Rose]

Thank you both.  I have never unloaded any anger on her. She is the one who rages. I have tried using calm tactics to get her to see...but that was non
Productive. I only say hold back my anger because it has been hard. 

So true that I have looked to people who do not have the emotional maturity to see. My brothers are treated so differently.  I gave up.
I do have a cousin whos mom was the same.we talk alot...but then I think is God angry Im being honest  My cousin  went no contact.  Now she struggles that God is punishing her. She has cancer and thinks God is punishing her.  oh how sad is that.

Thank you both so much

[bloomie]

Maree Rose - our honest emotions are welcome before God and vital to inform and care for us when we learn to listen to them. Emotions are neither right or wrong, they are indictors and activators. Emotions are information and part of what we can consider to help inform our life choices.

My thinking is that strong and good character is someone like you who acknowledges their anger to themselves and chooses to remove themselves from harm, abuse and scapegoating. That might look like leaving the room when abusive behaviors starts or limiting visits and errand running for your mother. Your mother seems to be in a safe home where she is cared for with family that visits. That is a lot!

Your anger, though unexpressed to your mother, may be telling you something needs to be protected and preserved.  A very wise friend once told me... anger alerts that boundaries have been violated and needs have not been met. Do you find that might be true for you, too?