Youngest is graduating high school, and it feels like an inflection point

[IsleOfSong]

Maybe it's my insightful therapist, maybe it's the change to warmer, sunnier weather, or maybe it's my son's impending graduation from high school — and his leaving for a university at the end of the summer — but I'm feeling unusually hopeful about my future.

For YEARS I have struggled with the concept of leaving my uNPD wife, mostly because I wanted to stay and help my scapegoated son deal with the fallout of her push-pull, trauma bonding, and so on.

But lately, in spite of all that he's endured, he is demonstrating his strength and maturity.

He stands up to her more and more as needed. He confidently (and publicly) speaks about his mental health struggles and past self-harm, including mentioning them in a speech he recently gave at our house of worship as part of a religious confirmation service. Amazingly, he's turning out to be a strong, thoughtful young man, despite the tumult of growing up in a PD-dominant environment.

And he's leaving in a few months. He'll be launched, more or less.

Will this be the impetus for me, at long last, to do the same? As I said, I'm feeling hopeful. The other night, he and I went to a favorite restaurant of mine, in a neighborhood I've fantasized about moving to post-separation. It felt more real than ever, sitting in that location with my son across from me indicating that, just maybe, he'll be OK and won't be traumatized by me leaving his mother.

That's always been my biggest fear — that he will not have the resilience to deal with that change. But sitting with him, just a few weeks shy of his 18th birthday, those fears evaporated like they never have before.

I'm feeling relatively good. I thought I'd share that here with anyone who reads this. To be continued...

[Poison Ivy]

Congratulations to your son and you!

A few days ago, I marked 9 years since my divorce was finalized. I waited until my children were out of college, to a large extent because I didn't trust their father to cooperate with financial aid applications. My children were sad about the divorce; so were their dad and I. But we've all survived.

Right now, my ex is doing a huge favor for our children, and my thoughts are "good for him" and "it's about time."

[square]

What an amazing post, IOS! I'm so happy for you and your son!

Your son deserves recognition for his resilience and maturity. And you deserve it as well for making it possible for your son to acheive that potential. It's clear to me that having one "sane" parent can make all the difference - one who is willing to support the children rather than choose a false peace at their expense.

It's been six months since I left. It was rough for a while with DD. She told me she would have to drop out of college because she couldn't handle it. Her parents separating was always her worst fear. She seems to have adjusted and just got straight A's for her college semester. She also now does her own laundry, lol.

Life isn't smooth, and we just have to do our best. Big changes take time for the dust to clear, so even if it's rough for a while, you don't really know how it'll settle for some time. We have one life to live, and I knew I'd regret it if I threw it away being trapped. I was scared but willing to risk it rather than risking being stuck forever.

Wishing you luck on your journey. Keep us updated.

[Xyz]

Thank you for sharing your good thoughts/feelings, IsleOfSong.  I am glad for you.  Re your "to be continued," may this trend continue!

[SeaBreeze]

It sounds like you've raised a strong and intelligent young man there. And it sounds like you are starting to solidify an exit plan.

My youngest knew I was eventually leaving once he moved out. But says he was still surprised at just how fast the marriage seemed to implode. Logically, he knows his leaving wasn't why things ended, but he felt some guilt and burden over knowing he was the last brick in what was already a crumbling foundation. He gets it, though; all 3 kids understand why I stayed, and they all 3 understand why I left.

Good thoughts extended, to you and your son both, as you each decide and embark on what's next!

[MaxedOut]

 Love this growing "seedling" for you IsleOfSong. I has been recent enough for me to remember a whole lots of accompanying and conflicting thoughts and feelings coming with that thinking about something better, specifics of life after, etc. I am so glad your child is doing well, seems self-aware, and is sharing his truth — what a great comfort and maybe a little bit of an inspiration.

Also glad to hear about Square's daughter. Which reminds me... A big hurdle for me in getting unstuck was realizing the risky reactions and the period of suck happens no matter what. And I could have been through the suck and on the other side probably a few times over while worrying about it.

I still needed to do some work to feel I had done my best to change things from within myself and the relationship, but getting to a place of not being caught frozen thinking about the near term aftermath was a significant and important shift in thinking, and feels very different from being ruled by FOG. In most cases, like Square's daughter, it works itself out after some transition. And if not, delaying or staying does not usually prevent negative outcomes.

Another understanding I needed to really get in my bones was carrying through my understanding about how there is no right answer, to the PD. We are all used to double-binds with the PD person. Really getting that and getting the harm of how trying to find a magic right action, chasing that illusion, helped me take small steps first like choosing the action that aligned with my values (she'll likely be mad regardless so might as well attend to my truth). Then it helped me with the part you are thinking through. Yes, it will be a big trigger and big upending, but it isn't like they are happy with you much of the time now...

Much of the FOG was cultivated by them. They throw so much at us for minor stuff and so, so much for things that are more typical partner upsets, that we really start seeing ourselves through their eyes, and it feels like protecting ourselves by leaving is, like, evil. And that it proves all their accusations correct. It's not and it doesn't. They harmed the relationship and "broke the vow" over and over.

That glimmering, that feeling of living in that neighborhood having tangibility to it now... that will start to peek through more and more. And you will find something you couldn't quite imagine takes on more and more form. Asking yourself "What if..." will become a positive sequence not a series of catastrophic worrisome possibilities. Maybe like it used to be for you. Before all this.

[IsleOfSong]

Thank you all for your inspirational replies! I feel like you are all going to be "with" me as I navigate the coming weeks and months.

SeaBreeze, how did your youngest know that you were going to leave after he went to college? Did you discuss it with him beforehand? Just curious.

Square, the update on your youngest is quite inspiring, laundry and all. Glad for you and for her!

MaxedOut, your response could have been written by me, it's so eerily on target. The conflicting jumble of thoughts, the rumination about how a split will go down and how to get it as "right" as possible (as if there's just one way to do these things), the thought that I'd be long on the other side of the shakeup by now if I'd left X years ago, and finally the realization that my wife will be unhappy no matter what so I might as well take care of my own happiness while I can... all of it is ringing bells with me. My desire to curb my people-pleasing with her is getting stronger by the day, and my worry that I'll be seen as "bad" by making a break is clearly receding.

Thanks again for all the encouragement here! Someday I will have a housewarming party in my new home, and you'll all be invited. :-)

[Poison Ivy]

"Finally the realization that my wife will be unhappy no matter what so I might as well take care of my own happiness while I can": This was very significant for me. My ex has had depression and anxiety most of his life. He's 70 now. He wanted to be taken care of, but I couldn't cure him, much as I (sometimes) tried.

[SeaBreeze]

SeaBreeze, how did your youngest know that you were going to leave after he went to college? Did you discuss it with him beforehand? Just curious.

When I was helping DS pack for college, he made it clear he needed a break from his father. I was trying to remain neutral yet supportive. DS paused packing, looked me right in the eye, and said "You know, Mom, once I'm gone, you don't have to stay anymore." Out of the mouths of babes!! That's when I let the neutrality drop and admitted to him I'd been planning my exit for a long time. So when I finally left 2 years later, it wasn't exactly a surprise but still a bit of a shock, if that makes sense?

A housewarming sounds wonderful! Just visualizing a possible future sanctuary is a big step in making it a reality.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks, SeaBreeze. At this point in my situation, I can't imagine waiting another two years after my son is off to college. Is two months too soon? 

[square]

Honey, no it's not.

[MaxedOut]

No, it is not too soon.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks for the gut check. :-)