I don't understand my family's reaction to sister's arrest

[Hilly]

I really need help understanding my family's response to my sister recent arrest. Thank you in advance for reading!

Background: my sister has a history of physical aggression and verbal abuse towards pretty much every boyfriend she's had, and a few days ago was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend, held by the police for questioning, then released on bail. She did this while her son was in the house and while it was going on her son called his dad (my sister's ex), upset and saying he wanted his dad to come and collect him.

As a result of this my sister's ex applied to the courts to have his son removed from my sisters care to live with him - it's a temporary order to be reviewed once we know the outcome of her arrest and whether it will go to court, at which point I think her son will choose to live with his dad and not my sister, which on balance I think would be a good thing because my sister is so unstable.

My thoughts on all this are that whatever my sister is going through it's inexcusable that my sister attacked her boyfriend, understandable that he called the police, and also understandable that her ex has applied to take his child away from my sister. I should say I experienced my sisters rage growing up and I'm also the only sibling that is younger than her. I've seen what she's like it's been spiralling out of control for years...

BUT my whole family seems to think differently - my parents and both my siblings are siding with my sister. They admit that she has 'her problems' and 'is the way she is' but pretty much blame the boyfriend for calling the police, minimise what she did and say he only called the police because he wants her out of the house and wants to take the house and all her money away from her.

When it comes to her ex (the father of her son) they claim that he is overreacting and that the ex and the current boyfriend have manufactured the situation so that her ex can get full custody of his son which seems completely paranoid to me. And even if it were true it doesn't excuse my sisters behaviour and it doesn't mean that the environment my sister has created for her son isn't completely unstable. My parents also claim that my sisters ex is also encouraging her son to be 'abusive' towards them, which I don't understand because he is a child. It all feeds into a narrative about my sister always being the victim of everything - my sister fits the description of a covert narcissist although as far as I know she's never been diagnosed with anything.

I think I'm just really shocked because I thought that this has to be the point at which my family wakes up. I thought that now the police are involved and she's literally been arrested, they won't be able to pretend to themselves anymore that the problem is always her boyfriends. But the opposite is the case. My family are monstering her ex boyfriend and her current boyfriend and are telling me that i just 'don't fully understand the situation.' It's so frustrating and it's making me see how deluded my whole family are.

[notrightinthehead]

Isn't it amazing when the fog clears and you can see clearly. Seems to me that your family has been complicit in enabling your abusive sister and expects you to comply with family rules.
It might not be safe for you to express a different opinion to them. You might want to keep your opinion to yourself, stand back and observe the drama unfold, stick with your own opinion but at the same time respect your family's right to have a different opinion to yours. As long as you stay in reality - observe, don't absorb, and make sure you are safe, you have a good chance to learn something from this situation.

[Hilly]

Thanks - that's great advice.

It might not be safe for you to express a different opinion to them. You might want to keep your opinion to yourself, stand back and observe the drama unfold, stick with your own opinion but at the same time respect your family's right to have a different opinion to yours. As long as you stay in reality - observe, don't absorb, and make sure you are safe, you have a good chance to learn something from this situation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.   

That's truly mind-blowing and yet so, so typical of these dysfunctional family dynamics. There are dogmas that can never be questioned in the cult. Facts be damned.

[walking on broken glass]

That's awful and yet so revealing. I had harboured for years the illusion that my parents would come around at some point and see through my sister's lies and acknowledge her problems. I now know, no matter what, it's not going to happen. My sister can say that elephants fly and my mum will nod in agreement. Years ago my sister had called me a slut (I was in a long distance relationship and I had admitted to her I might be getting feelings for someone else). We studied in the same city and she would constantly create problems for me and complain to my parents, who would then be the referees and always decided in her favour. I thought surely if I tell them she called me a slut they cannot stand by it, they cannot justify her. My dad said 'she must have had her reasons'. 

[JR]

That's awful and yet so revealing. I had harboured for years the illusion that my parents would come around at some point and see through my sister's lies and acknowledge her problems. I now know, no matter what, it's not going to happen. My sister can say that elephants fly and my mum will nod in agreement. Years ago my sister had called me a slut (I was in a long distance relationship and I had admitted to her I might be getting feelings for someone else). We studied in the same city and she would constantly create problems for me and complain to my parents, who would then be the referees and always decided in her favour. I thought surely if I tell them she called me a slut they cannot stand by it, they cannot justify her. My dad said 'she must have had her reasons'. 

same situation for me, my brother the golden child can do no wrong and the parents(one of them mostly) have been enabling him to get away every bad behavior he engages in. Example: if he came in the door and punched me in the mouth and i called the police my family would defend his actions by saying i forced him to do it because of this or that i did to him which is total gaslighting and wouldn't have no problem defending him by lying to the police to keep him out of trouble. I truly believe this, people who are outside the Narc world would never believe us or could ever even get their heads around what Narc victims are living with or believe some of this antics they do their victims its so out of the norm for supposely adults to behave in this manner its impossible for normal folks to fathom.