Feeling unloved

[Unloved]

I dated a man for a year. In that year I left a couple times. His jealousy was unlivable. He told me if we were married he would be more secure. I was in love so I did. It didn't help. After the marriage he got really possessive.controling demanding I wasn't allowed to do things with my family I could barely call them without him raging. I left and divorced him. I just don't understand why I can't get over him. I don't understand how he could love me but not see me as a person. I didn't understand how to make him see I loved him and would have never left him if he let me see my kids. I don't understand why I cry over someone who treated me so badly. I tried so hard . I went back to him after he held a gun on me had me locked in a car. I just don't know how to prove my love for him so he would calm down. He constantly belittled me my kids and family. I couldn't make him understand that I could love my family and him at the same time. What's wrong with me. How do I get over him.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! It's an addiction. You know it's bad for you, toxic, can even  kill you , but still you are addicted and go back.

Instead of ruminating how you could have changed him into the man you could have been with, you could get to know yourself better and find out what made you vulnerable to someone who would treat you as his possession, not as partner. Focus on yourself.

[bloomie]

Unloved - adding another warm welcome to you. I am thankful you have joined this supportive community. And so very sorry for the pain and confusion this relationship and the ending of it brings.

It might be an opportunity to examine and clarify what love is and what love looks like as you travel forward. I found that love was something I was pretty confused about going in to relationships. That confusion made me vulnerable to opportunistic, unhealthy people.

Keep coming back and making good use of the forum resources and conversations with other fellow travelers. Looking forward to supporting you as you find your way to better days.

[Rebel13]

Dear Unloved (will-be-loved!) --

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I'm very glad you left and got yourself safe. It will take a while for you to feel better.

You might like to read about trauma bonding.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma-bonding

One way that abusers hook us is by behaving nicely or kindly just often enough to make us think there is something we could do to make them behave that way all the time! This isn't true, of course, since they are in charge of their own behavior and decisions. But mammal brains are very prone to get hooked on these crumbs of feeling cared about, and then we try hard to get more of it. It sounds like that is part of what you are experiencing. I think that over time, as you work on understanding yourself and figuring out what kind of life YOU want, the pain and longing will decrease.

Wishing you relief and peace!

[Rebel13]

Oh look! Chumplady's post today is all about what to do when you miss someone who treated you badly!

https://www.chumplady.com/what-to-do-when-you-miss-your-cheater/

[SonofThunder]

Unloved - adding another warm welcome to you. I am thankful you have joined this supportive community. And so very sorry for the pain and confusion this relationship and the ending of it brings.

It might be an opportunity to examine and clarify what love is and what love looks like as you travel forward. I found that love was something I was pretty confused about going in to relationships. That confusion made me vulnerable to opportunistic, unhealthy people.

Keep coming back and making good use of the forum resources and conversations with other fellow travelers. Looking forward to supporting you as you find your way to better days.

An additional warm welcome. Imo defining the term love is important.  Once you do that for yourself, then possibly revisit your words:

"I don't understand how he could love me but not see me as a person."

See you around the boards,

SoT