My mom is behaving badly again

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I haven't posted on this part of the forum for a while. My BPD/NPD mom used to be quite a problem in my life. Then life got hard and I needed to depend on her help, I think during that time, out of desire or necessity I began to believe she isn't that bad, or that maybe I learned ways to manage her behaviors better, like "it used to be bad but it is better now."


So I think that my shock right now is foolish. I should have known, I used to know. But here she is, her behaviors are hurting me again, and it is all because I have opened up again.

This time though I notice she is becoming more controlling again, any problem I have she tells me what to do, or if I disagree, she will act like I "never take her advice" but she says it like there is something seriously wrong with me, like I am prideful or not humble enough to do what she says. So it makes me feel sinful to have my own opinion. In the past I never had y own opinion so she isn't used to me disagreeing or not doing what she says.

She is taking every thing I say and repeating it with a voice that sounds shitty, to make it sound like I am being bitchy with her. I tell he that is not how I am saying it and she is twisting what I am saying to make it sound bad.

I am having problems in my marriage so I am on that part of the forum mostly, and this is my fault, because I shouldn't give her any info, but I was talking to her about him and she has been taking his side, his behavior has been abusive at times, serious problems. And she has been telling me that I just don't know how to forgive, and that I have bad character, that I just don't want to be happy, that no matter what I do I will never be happy. Like, I so bad wish my husband and I had a great marriage. Why would I want him to hurt me all the time? But she acts like what he does is normal marriage problems, not stuff my kids have had to be in therapy for.

She gets mad at me, like major anger if I go one day without calling her.  To the point where two weeks ago I didn't even notice I didn't call her because I was so busy and it turned into a week long argument.

She has also been trying to get me to doubt my sanity. She started gaslighting me and talking like she was shocked at how crazy I am. Like I have "gone off the deep end." She has acted like this in the past when she feels like I don't do what she wants. She will be like "I don't even know who you are?!" All shocked and horrified. But yeah two weeks ago, she got a very fake vibrato, theatrical voice and told me she thinks I am losing my mind. But I know she doesn't think that becsuee she is afraid of mental health services. She hates it when I am in therapy and always accuses me of being on psych meds when I don't obey her. So this time though, I said "no. I am not going to let you talk like you think I am going crazy." Just to shut it down. And her voice went back to normal.

She also got mad at me because the other night she couldn't sleep because she thought I was on a new medication that is changing my personality, she wanted to not only blame me for her lack of sleep, but be mad at me for what her imagination told her. I told her, you keep getting upset with me over things in your imagination. You are thinking negatively about me and it isn't based on anything true.

She is also very very mad at me for having different political opinions than hers. She also believes in a lot of things easily debunked, but if I don't believe them she thinks I am too prideful to listen to her.

I had to start screening my calls for a while. But then she apologized and I let it go, but then today we got in a fight again, because I told her something my husband volunteered me for, something that I told him I didn't want to do. And she tried to tell me I should do it, I explained my reasons had to do with my values. And she just was trying to pressure me. Then when I was explaining she was talking over me then she told me I was yelling at her, I asked "am I really yelling at you?" Because I don't think I was, but she says I was. I couldn't have been or my kids would have come to see what I was yelling about!

Anyways, I feel afraid. She is accusing me of talking rude to her, she is using guilt to pressure me to do whatever she thinks is right, no matter what my values are, she is trying to act like I am going crazy.

Here is the thing though, I used to know better, grey rock, MC, etc. but I have gone back to sharing, to JADING, to saying sorry for not calling her one day, to letting her track the GPS on my phone, etc.

I texted her a little bit ago and told her I was upset with her for trying to pressure me to do things the way she wants, that it makes things worse, because now I have this pressure and shame on top of the original problem, and even if she is right, I still need to make my own decisions, I told her it has been happening a lot and it causes us to fight. 

She hasn't responded, and in our  family that means that she is punishing me and I am in big trouble. Was the sentiment behind my text disrespectful to her? I don't want to disrespect her. I also know what I say won't fix her. I think I just wanted to say something. Two weeks ago she was so hurtful to me and I let it go, she said sorry and I didn't explain how much she hurt me, I just pretended like I was fine. And she is doing it again. I just wanted her to know if she talks to me like that that I will tell her that I don't like it. I am not "supposed" to ever let her feel bad, I always have had to rescue her from her feelings and pretend nothing hurts.


In the future I will go back to MC and GR, but I sure messed up big time. I feel so lonely though, my husband is Npd and my mom is BPD and Npd, and my kids have been sick for a few years so I am isolated, these are the people I am around the most. I want them to be nice so bad, I want to be happy so bad. But there is a voice in my head that makes me think, "what if she is right? What if I am crazy? Sinful? Ungodly? Selfish? The PD person?" And it makes me want to cry.

I also hate fight with her, for some reason when she is mad at me my whole body feels like a 3 year old in trouble, and it lasts for weeks.


Any advice on how to cope with the here and now? The crappy place I am in where I feel 3 years old and bad, so bad, as I wait for her to text back and reveal what she wants to say to me next? I feel vulnerable. I think the worst part is that my mom
makes me feel like a bad person. And I honestly feel like I try so hard to be nice and give her chances and forgive her and not say she hurt me when she apologizes but let her off easy, etc. idk I am confused.

[Dinah-sore]

I am trying to see if I am the one who is hurting her, because she acts like I am hurting her.

But i can't think of anything, other than not always agreeing with her, or not doing the things she thinks I should do or feel regarding my marriage. Or because she imagined I took meds that changed my personality, or she believed I was being sarcastic, when I was being literal. Or I like people she hates.

Two weeks ago, it felt like I was having panic attacks over it all week long, just couldn't breathe, and way overwhelmed.

I just kept repeating to myself, "I am not hurting her, she is mad, and she can be upset. Just let her figure it out."

[Dinah-sore]

I am so sorry I posted this, I talked to my dad tonight and he is so sympathetic to my BPDm. He says he feels sorry for her becsuee she loves me and is just trying to help me.

I feel so alone. I have a close friend, but she has been through such a rough life and I try not to share too much with her that could burden her or trigger her past experiences. So this is truly the only place I share this stuff.

I think I will just apologize to her, I told my dad I will ask God to help me treat her better. Even though I don't think I did anything wrong, other than share too much and not medium chill and grey rock.

[notrightinthehead]

Reading your posts I find myself thinking 'What chance did Dinah ever have of finding a kind and supportive husband with a mother like that?'.
So you were tempted to trust her again, assume that she is the mother you need - kind, supportive, in your corner, full well knowing that she never was like that. It's easy to fall for that when society tells us that mothers unconditionally love their children. Well this forum is proof that not all of us had that privilege. And your case seems to be one of the sadder ones.

It's time that you stop worrying about what your mother, husband, father think about you, say about you, feel about you. It's time you begin to worry what you think, do, say and most of all, how you treat yourself. I urge you to find CoDA meetings and attend them, they do have online meetings! Tell your husband and the rest of your abusers that you are working on yourself. You want to be a better person and that's why you need to attend these meetings. And that will be the truth. You will be working on being a be a better person for the people who deserve it - yourself and your kids. Dinah please, I have been following your story for a long time now, please do something for the person you can do something for, the person who needs your love, consideration and respect - yourself!

[sunshine702]

You are surrounded by TWO abusers.  The husband is an abuser and the mother of course defends the abuser as she sees nothing wrong with abusing you.

I had that during my worst day when I had an abuser at work about to fire me during Covid and then a very awful abuser at home who rubbed it in. 

I am currently reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.   It was recommended by the Domestic Violence Hotline people that I can not say enough nice things about btw. It's free and WONDERFUL!  Call them when you can.

You are being emotionally abused by these people.  My heart aches for you.  Talk to the hotline about a Safety plan for you right now.  An emotional safety plan around these people.  Small little steps. 

Big hug I will 🙏 for you today

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you guys so much. I will check out the CoDa meetings that is a great idea. It would give me tangible support in real life.

I am so sorry that happened to you Sunshine792. I have listens to Lundy Bancroft give the "why does he do that" talk, I need to go back and listen again and read the book. Thank you.

It feels to me like this is all abusive. But i am overwhelmed. I need that CoDa group so I don't start believing what my mom is saying. I am at the point where I feel like it would be easier to just make them both happy. Ugh. In my head I know that is wrong. It just feels like the easiest way for me to be happy is to make them happy. So CoDa would be good for that feeling too.

The irony of all of this is my husband told me yesterday, I am scheduled to speak for a church event this weekend, 4 days to prep. This is what she wants me to do, teach a Bible study with my husband at this marriage retreat a couple hours from where we live, about how suffering trials brings a marriage closer. I told my husband months ago I didn't want to do it. I said no; he never told them I didn't want to teach.

I don't want to teach at all anymore, I haven't taught in five years. But when I did teach I needed months to prepare (to study and write), if I do prepare it has to be something I believe, and ultimately I won't lie and pretend suffering brought us closer.

I don't want to teach people about marriage (I'm not qualified), act like I know something more than them about marriage, be expected to act and speak churchy (which isn't that big a deal, I just don't want to feel like I am acting fake), and especially to teach people how
My husband and I grew closer during our trials, by praying together and being there for each other??? The topic mocks me! Someone just assigned us the topic assuming we have learned these things.

I was trying to tell my mom I am not going to get in a pulpit, in this very difficult season of my life, and speak what other people want me to say for them.

She said that I have to, that I can't leave these people hanging, they need me to go speak. Just do it.

I said I can't. It would go against my values. It is wrong to be fake in a pulpit, even for "good reasons." She just kept acting like I am letting God down.

My husband is still going to teach it alone. I even asked my npdh, how are you going to teach this topic, and he laughed and was like "I think I will tell them about times I wasn't there for you." Which sounds great to people who know him, and sounds like he is taking accountability, but those are moments that cause me great pain, and if he uses them as a illustration, then I feel like my pain is being exploited for a show, like my heart is being drilled like oil. I have no control over what he shares, but he won't share it how bad it is. He won't tell them that a couple weeks ago I told him I have no hope for our marriage ever getting better.

So not only did I get pressured to do something I said no to, feel uncomfortable about, think it would be deceitful and wrong to do, etc. on top of that pressure, I was made to feel like I am letting people down, and letting God down. And that I am a bad daughter because I am so prideful I never listen to her wisdom. I am stubborn.

Also, my BPDm would NEVER do this, she would NEVER do one thing she doesn't want to, and my dad would NEVER put her in this position. But for some reason she taught me that I always have to do the right thing, (which only she will TELL me what is the right thing. Only she knows. I am wrong she is right).

[Rebel13]

Hi Dinah, something that helped me a lot with the Inner Critic voice (that's the one in my head that repeats back to me all the criticism my mother heaped on me) was the work of Pete Walker. Here's an article by him about that: https://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

He also gives great advice on dealing with emotional flashbacks (that's the feeling of being young and in trouble): https://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/13strategies_flashbacks_management.pdf

Here's one where he talks more in depth about emotional flashbacks: https://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

If you like these articles, he also has a book where he writes more in detail about all of these topics. I got a free PDF copy from a Facebook group about DBT skills and if you would like a copy send me a message through this forum. His work helped me so much to get started on healing some of these things for myself. I hope you can get some peace for yourself!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That scenario of teaching the marriage class is beyond sick. You are in my prayers, tonight, Dinah, that the Lord will show you the way out.

[Rebel13]

Here is another resource that I have not used personally but have heard many people speak highly of.  https://www.divorceminister.com/en/

[Aingeal]

God wouldn't want you to lie either.  It sounds like your mother and husband (both abusers) are the only ones benefitting from the public marriage talk.  Mumsy can look good with you up at the pulpit and hubby can humiliate and destroy you with the stories you don't want shared with the world.  To get you to do what they want they're making you question your own reality - what a couple of snakes!  Please don't do it - I know it's easier to placate them but they'll just use you and find something else to do to you (probably worse and more humiliating) next time.

I was married to a narchole and come from a two parent narc home. They DO NOT have your best interest at heart.

"But there is a voice in my head that makes me think, "what if she is right? What if I am crazy? Sinful? Ungodly? Selfish? The PD person?" And it makes me want to cry." You are none of these things!  When you say "no" to a narc they throw everything at you from their narc playbook to get you to comply.  Poor Daddy may be an enabler and/or just trying to save himself. 

I used to fawn to narc just to keep them quiet and live my quiet little life because I can't yet go NC with mommy dearest (still have my FOG moments and placate I won't BS you). Sometimes it's fun to stand your ground and say no - just to watch them loose their $#@*% 

Please listen to your voice- your intuition and say no to this one
I'm getting a bad feeling about it from what you said so far, and I've been set up and knocked down by narcs my whole life 

Some good videos on YouTube I watch are from:
Dr. Les Carter - Surviving Narcissism
Kris Godinez
Dr. Ramani

[square]

I love the idea of CoDA - flesh and blood support and voices of sanity for you.

You could just get "sick" or "public speaking fright" to skip the teaching thing if you want. You don't have to fight them about it if you don't want to.

If your life is easier apologizing to your mom, do what works. It doesn't have to mean you're complying with your abuser. You can apologize for your own reasons. To be clear, you have NOTHING to apologize for, I'm just saying we're not saying you have to martyr yourself and fight your abusers that way. You can say what you need to and still hold on to the truth in your heart.

[mary_poppins]

Hi.
"I am having problems in my marriage so I am on that part of the forum mostly, and this is my fault, because I shouldn't give her any info, but I was talking to her about him and she has been taking his side, his behavior has been abusive at times, serious problems. And she has been telling me that I just don't know how to forgive, and that I have bad character, that I just don't want to be happy, that no matter what I do I will never be happy. Like, I so bad wish my husband and I had a great marriage. Why would I want him to hurt me all the time? But she acts like what he does is normal marriage problems, not stuff my kids have had to be in therapy for. "

THIS is why I have never told my mom anything about my relationships. She doesn't even know who my boyfriends were, what they were doing for a living, their families, etc. Why? I saw how she treated my brothers' gilfriends and how she 'inserted' herself in their intimate relationships..so I chose to date later in life because of what I saw happening with my brothers and their girlfiends. It was horrific. She manipulated their girlfirends' families to side with her, she painted herself as an angel in front of those people. To this day, she's still 'friends' with those ex girlfriends (on social media, but still).

These PD people are dangerous and can destroy all your relationships if you let them. My mom detroyed at least one of my brother's relationship by brainwashing him about how his partner was 'ugly' and he deserved better.
She told him so many times that I think he started believing it (btw she was not ugly but narc mom has high beauty standards, lol). So he broke up with her.
Now, brother is with a very beautiful, model-looking girlfriend who is adored by mom. Unfortunately, she is also abused by my mother so let's see how long she 'survives' in this 'family' (we're not a family but a cult).

My point is, never for any reason whatsover open up about your relationship struggles to a narcissistic parent or relative. It is very hurtful, they tell you the most awful things, they take the partner's side (like it happens to you) and blame you for whatever wrong thing happens in the relationship.

You can still undo this by going VLC with your mom. And putting her on an information diet when it comes to your personal life (your husband and kids, etc). I also opened up to mom many, many times and I was beyond hurt by her. She 'punched' me in the gut when I told her about: failed dreams, future plans, workplaces, friends, trips..I would always feel like coming back from a battlefield after talking to her about my private life.
Never again.

Stay safe and keep your mom away from your internal world. It is worth it.