Recurring thoughts

[LemonLime]

Hi All,
I'm hoping for some perspective/advice.   The short version of my story is that I have an uPD sib who has some clearly narcissistic traits, the most prominent being a) playing victim and b) raging at others.   It's taken me a very very long time to understand that the emotional meltdowns she has had since she was a teen were indeed "rages" and that I was in danger of becoming one of her victims if I didn't go "low contact".  In fact, I went LC because a few years ago her rage finally focused very clearly on me in an epic verbal tirade that happened in front of my parents and young daughter.  As per usual, when she was "over it" she made it clear that I was not to mention the episode or I would then be the subject of gaslighting and projection.  Not that she said these things, but I've seen her do this often enough to my parents that I knew what I was "in for" if I were to insist on airing my complaints to her.

Believe it or not, she can be a total delight when she's happy.  Which is probably much of the time.  I do believe she has many good traits and is not without any empathy.  She does truly love nature and is creative. She is smart.  Does she have true empathy for people?.....who knows? she makes a good show of it.

This is what I struggle with and I know I'm not alone in this.....nobody, not even my mom who saw this happen and who has had the same type of rage happen at her from my sib, will treat my sib with any boundaries.  My dad has since passed away.  My sib is welcome at mom's home and although I have a good relationship with my mom (she is codependent and has terrible boundaries but is not a PD) I resent that she will not impose boundaries on sib.  She is willing to go along with sib's charade.  In order to keep the peace.  And this to me feels like throwing me under the bus.

In reality it is better for everyone including me that mom and sib get along.  If they didn't it would only cause more discomfort and drama that I would have to hear about.  It would suck even more.

But I can't talk to friends and relatives about the rages and why I'm LC with sib, because....well you know why.  Because they might not believe me and it would certainly come back to bite me in the butt.

So my hands are tied and I'm left to only talk with people outside the family.  Like a T.   Only I can't find a good T.   I fantasize about having another sibling who is victimized by my sib who would support me and say "LemonLime, I saw what sib did to you and she has done the same to me.  It's dysfunctional and abusive.  Let's both go LC with her for our own sake.  You are not over-reacting, LemonLime.   We must set boundaries in order take care of ourselves. We will support each other in this."

That's what I want and cannot have.
You all are GREAT.  Life-savers.  But you weren't there, and my silly brain keeps wondering if I was wrong somehow.  If I over-reacted. I know it's trite....it's a mind-game.  But I don't know how to stop it.

Thanks all. 

[bloomie]

LemonLime - you describe growing up in an environment where a sibling ruled the relationships with flipping between dominating and raging behaviors - abuse of others, and being a 'total delight' when happy or pleased or placated. The calm or placating stage of the abuse cycle you may have experienced over and over with your sister.

For me, self trust can become a slippery slope when others who have borne witness to the abusive, corrosive behaviors of a shared loved one, refuse to adjust or limit their level of engagement with this family member in response to abuse.  In my case, parents also chose to champion and favor a sibling who is spiraling and unsafe to be in close connection with. Empowering and enabling the abuser and gaslighting those of us in the path of the destruction this person's behaviors bring.

You don't need a second opinion to step away from the wrecking ball you know will be swinging your way over whatever triggers the raging from your sister, and protect your peace. You know your worth and you have shown that by the limits that you have put in place with a sibling whose behaviors are not trustworthy, grounded, and consistent. Someone whose character is such that they would rage at their family members and refuse to take responsibility for their verbal abuse.

I also would gently say this... co dependence is sometimes explained as on the opposite end of the continuum that runs between domineering, raging narcissistic behavior and co dependency and terrible boundaries.

While your mother may not have a PD, her refusal to respond in ways that would reinforce the requirement that abuse of anyone within the family (including herself) is unacceptable always, and partner with other family members to live out that core value, contributes to the lack of safety in the atmosphere of your family of origin. In my experience, it is the enabling and taking, what is for an enabler, the easy way out at the expense of the others in the family, that is also highly destructive and wounding to us and for me anyway, has been at the root of this kind of ruminating.

Just some thoughts that may or may not resonate with you. There might be some digging to do around your mother's role in all of this.

[Rebel13]

Hi LemonLime, here are a couple thoughts that helped me with my situation with my mother. Mostly I only thought of this stuff in retrospect, after her last tantrum and me subsequently going NC, but maybe they would help you in thinking about your situation?

What would it take for you to be "done" -- to be convinced that nothing you could do would improve your sister's behavior or your relationship with her?

How do you feel when imagining that thing actually happening? Is it something you are willing to experience, or would it be worth getting to "done" somehow BEFORE that thing happened?

What do you think your daughter learned from witnessing your sister's rage attack on you, and your reaction to it? Is that a lesson you want her to learn? Is it one that will help her later in difficult situations in her own life? If the rage attack had been directed at her, how would you feel about your LC choice?

If you couldn't have a good, loving relationship with your sister, where she was consistently the sister you wanted, what would be the next best thing, to you? What kind of relationship would feel the best in those circumstances?

The things you would like your imaginary sibling to say to you -- can you say them to yourself? Can you imagine them coming from your best, wisest self, your "wise mind" in DBT terms, or a "part" in the IFS sense (sorry, I'm not as familiar with that framework), the part of you that has integrated logic and emotion to know what is right for you?

I watched a really good video yesterday about boundaries. The part that your post reminded me of was where Emma talked about the fact that other people may not like our boundaries, at all, but that they are about us and our values. If your values don't include being treated the way your sister treats you, then you CAN'T be wrong in implementing boundaries about that. You CAN'T "overreact" if you know what's important to you and what you will and won't accept in your life. I mean, you could be wrong in someone else's eyes, right? Because they have different values than you, or they don't understand the situation.  But you can't be wrong FOR YOURSELF, and in the end that's what counts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1qtIDK-p1A&list=PLiUrrIiqidTVqab7pZivzb-e-tMA8qjd-&index=28

Anyway, good thoughts, and I wish you luck with this.

[LemonLime]

Thank you, Bloomie and Rebel13, for your thoughtful and kind replies.  I'm so grateful for your words of wisdom.

Bloomie, YES YES YES to my mom being part of the problem.  A big part of it, in fact.  Ever since the big blowup with my sib around 5 years ago, I've not only needed to wake up to sib's dysfunction, but to the rest of my FOO's dysfunction.  A big part of that is my parents' unwillingness to recognize and address "bad" behavior, which is likely a big reason my sib became so entitled in the first place.  In my internet reading and learning on this website, I've been able to piece together the likely route of my sib becoming PD in a seemingly "normal" family.   And that path led right back to my parents. They are/were enablers and took the easy way out for themselves.  Which left ME in a very difficult place. Thank you for eloquently noting how the betrayal comes from the enabler (and in this case the supposed adult in the room) not setting boundaries for how FOO members need to be treated.  Mom never said "nope, no way" to my sib's behavior, so sib became more and more empowered.  And I seem to be the only one to say NO.  Which has required me to go to therapy, spend tons of time figuring it all out.

Rebel, thank you for sharing with me what helped you with your mother. And for posing those questions for me.  I answered them in my head right away.  I figured my first thought might be my best.  And your question about what my daughter witnessed really resonated.  I DON'T want to model poor boundaries for my daughter, and I think part of the reason I was finally able to stand up to my sib was due to my having children of my own.  An instinct kicked in that said "no more!".   And it has helped me stay LC with sib.  And yes, I can practice saying to myself what I wish an imaginary sibling would say to me.  I can soothe myself, with help from trusted friends and my Out of the FOG network.  I do have resources.  I do have enough.  And I can remind myself of that.   I'm going to watch the video link you sent right now.

Thank you both again.  And I wish you love on your own journeys with your FOOS.  So glad to have you along on mine.

[walking on broken glass]

Hello LemonLime,
This is a very late response but I just read your post and it resonated with me. I have an uBPD sis who also has terrible tantrums. I'd been her target most of my life, until, with the help of therapy and friends, I realized what was going on and went LC. My dad died very recently and my mum is fully co-dependent. My sis can do no wrong in her eyes: mum justifies every single thing she does and is fully supportive. She has been doing this for as long as I can remember but now that my dad's gone, the balance has been upset even more. I have often fantasized, like you, about having another sibling that would understand me and support me. I know how you feel!

Recently with the death of my dad, I had to see and interact with my sis more than I' d done in the past and in really stressful and distressing circumstances. Her behaviour during this time solidified the decision I had already started forming: not to be in touch with her at all, with the exception of formal messages for her birthday and holidays (and this only for the sake of my mum). I think she's got the message and she hasn't bothered me either for the past few months. I cannot tell you how much I value the peace and quiet. I am not sure if I am qualified to give any advice because it's not like I have resolved anything myself, I am just dealing with the situation the best way I can. But what I would say is this: don't hold out any hope or delusion that you can change the family dynamics. These have been formed over a long period of time and will not change because the people responsible for them do not want to change. This is what they are used to, they feel comfortable in this and anything that threatens to upset the balance is viewed as dangerous. Don't expect them to understand. Just think about the boundaries that you want to put in place, what you are willing to accept and not accept, and then just go ahead and put those decisions into practice. I know how hard it is when you are the only one saying 'no' and you are treated as if you were the unreasonable one. It is lonely and it is difficult but remember that you owe it to yourself; otherwise you will be swallowed whole by their insanity.

Sending lots of hugs xx

[LemonLime]

Oh my gosh WOBG, you are an angel in disguise!  Our stories are so similar....it's almost like you described my situation exactly.  I also had to have more contact with sib late last year when dad passed away.  And she pulled some shenanigans when she had me alone....describing assault that was perpetrated on her when she was a young teen.  She out-of-the-blue felt she had to tell me this for the first time, 45 years after the incident, as our dad lay dying.  Why???  Because she was trying to trauma-bond me or hoover or whatever.  She was trying to manipulate my good nature and use FOG to get me back into her fold.  So creepy.  I responded with appropriate dismay for the horror of the story, but did not get "reeled in" like I think she wanted.  And she has left me alone since then. Sweet peace...yes.
Thank you for writing and for your sage advice.  You are right.  It means a lot to me to hear I'm not the only one and that you understand.  It is a lonely road, but I need to remind myself I'm not truly alone.

[walking on broken glass]

Oooh I do remember your story! I am sorry, your nickname rang a bell but I didn't make the connection immediately. I remember how well you handled the situation, how you showed empathy without being dragged down to her personal drama. You are an inspiration! When I read that post my dad hadn't passed away yet but now I can imagine the situation even more vividly. It must have been so hard for you.

As the Christmas break is approaching, I will have some decisions to make and I was thinking of posting here. Yes, you are not alone!

[LemonLime]

WOBG, I hope you will post here.  My hope would be that it would help you, and I also know it would help me and others.  Thanks for following my story and helping me along this path.