Enemy Territory .... and Not

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I spent a lot of childhood and adult years sharing home and family in PD Land.  When you're a frog stuck in a hot pot for decades with no relief, you lose  all sense of what fresh, cool stream water feels like.  The abnormal, the toxic, becomes normal.  A good day is tolerably hot water,  or maybe 10 mins out of the pot, knowing you'll soon be thrown back into it.

It's been 5ish years since my split with PDex and I'm still in the process of uncovering and realizing what freedoms I have now and what oppressions I had then.  The contrast is all the more evident because of the entrance of a different uNPD who's around off and on and, thankfully, doesn't live in my house.

I can be a different person when I'm in friendly territory.  What kind of a different person?  I can be myself!  The need to watch what someone else is doing so I can respond strategically,  or watch myself so I don't give any ammunition, is gone.  I can be natural and spontaneous and unconcerned about possible little mistakes ... and know if someone accidentally treads on another's toes, as will happen, it can be addressed without catastrophic consequences. I can feel a sense of trust and safety.
 
I find a big thing that's present in my "non" world, that isn't in PD world, is an attitude of goodwill toward each other.  Generosity of heart.  Giving the benefit of the doubt.  A basic desire for harmony and the happiness of all.  Disagreements and hurt or offended feelings can be talked about and worked out if there's a base of goodwill.  And if sometimes people need to part ways, they can do so without wanting to further hurt the other one on the way out.
  
After living like that, my forays into PD interactions are like stepping into enemy territory, where there are snipers targeting you and snares and traps laid for you and the delight of the other person is in your downfall instead  of your success.  Wow!  I'm so lucky I got out!

[SonofThunder]

A joy to read, Lookin 2 B Free!  A hearty congrats on getting out!

I agree completely on interactions with others in the nonPD category, now solo.  What a glorious peace to hang around others in this relaxed way. 

SoT

[Rebel13]

I find a big thing that's present in my "non" world, that isn't in PD world, is an attitude of goodwill toward each other.  Generosity of heart.  Giving the benefit of the doubt.  A basic desire for harmony and the happiness of all.  Disagreements and hurt or offended feelings can be talked about and worked out if there's a base of goodwill.  And if sometimes people need to part ways, they can do so without wanting to further hurt the other one on the way out.

This is beautiful. It's so true. It's the reward we get for doing the hard, unpleasant, painful, scary work of separating from people who don't practice and believe in these values and behaviors.

Thank you so much for this.

[xredshoesx]

I love this. I think this is part of radically accepting YOURSELF vs radically accepting PD behaviors of people you can't not have in your life.

I feel like i've been on a parallel journey with this kind of thinking at my workplace in dealing with difficult people.  our admin is hard to deal with, but I feel comfortable with my TEAM and we work through it together.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, all.  Your replies, this support group, are exactly what I'm talking about.  You have room in your hearts to be glad I have found something good for my life.  PDex used to respond to my (or others') successes with bitterness, hostility and "They don't deserve that.    I DO!"  Then try to take you down and make you feel insecure and worthless. 

I'm glad some of us have found escape from that (which is really difficult and seems to take years to even want to attempt, if ever), and all of us have found a place of support. Years before I ever posted on this forum, I'd go to the "Committed" section and pour through it to see if I could find the answer to how to remain together and have a relatively happy and healthy relationship. With books, too. Never found it - only found how to best live in enemy territory.

One of them, "Stop Caretaking the NPD/BPD" I believe, said the spouse was pretty much always going to be in the paint-it-black devalue position. That gave me pause, but didn't stop me for some time.  I finally gave up hope and left, only to be hoovered back a year later.  The final time, I dreamed off and on of going back for 2+ years after I left (but thankfully didn't),  Like kicking a drug habit! (And I've been in recovery for chemical dependency for many years, so I don't say that lightly.)

Bless us all  💕 ... we do deserve some happiness.

[SonofThunder]

Well done and Amen!

SoT