Dreading my PD wife's input on my mom's health

[IsleOfSong]

Well, this is something I hadn't considered in the past, but now it's here. My 83-year-old mother (who lives 350 miles from me) is struggling due to what the doctor recently diagnosed as "moderate dementia," and I'm working on processing the news and the changes with my mom, while also trying not to let my wife second-guess me and/or "suggest" advice that I'm not asking for as my brother and I navigate all of this.

Case in point: The day my mom got the diagnosis from the neurologist, my mom's caregiver contacted me and my older brother to let us know what the doctor said during her appointment. After I got the news, I reached out to a friend, who was compassionate. And then, with trepidation because I knew I'd be let down, I called my wife to tell her the news. "Why wasn't your brother there at the appointment?" was the first thing she said to me (my brother lives 40 miles from my mother and had a work commitment, and the caregiver is quite sharp, so we left it in her hands). That was followed by, "And you should have at least been on the phone with them while your mom was in the doctor's office." Hindsight is fantastic when you're a narcissist, apparently, and going forward my brother and I will likely do those things. At some point in the call, she also said she was sorry to hear the news about my mom.

And that's the thing — I know clearly that my wife isn't an emotionally "safe" or supportive person, so I don't want to include her in conversations about my mom. I don't want to tell her, for instance, that the caregiver texted us this morning to say that my mom was having a "bad day" today and slept in the guest room last night because her in-laws slept in her room last night. (Her in-laws died in the 1980s.) What could my wife add to that, other than hollow sympathy and an unasked-for suggestion on how to handle it? At the same time, my mom is her mother-in-law, and I don't want to feel like I want or need to "hide" a whole major life change going on in my life.

Anyone been in a similar boat? (And for the record, I'm also seeing that my wife's inability to support me through this is yet another reason not to be married to her anymore.)

[square]

Hey IsleOfSong,

I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's diagnosis. And also that your wife is adding to the burden rather than relieving it at all.

You've told your wife the news. You don't need to give her updates.

If she asks, you can say vague and agreeable things.

It's going the same.
Yeah, we're looking into that.
Yup, that's a thought.
I've asked Caregiver.
Seems to be going as well as expected.
I'll keep it in mind.

If you're accused of holding back, don't take the bait. Just shrug and say there's not much going on, you and Brother have been handling it, you've been keeping her updated (from your point of view).

You really don't need little digs like you should have been at this appointment and somehow known what was going to happen. The diagnosis happened, you guys are on top of it, you didn't lose your one and only chance.

My husband didn't criticize my handling of my father's decline, but I certainly didn't turn to him for support. And there were bad days. I didn't want to carry even a tiny bit more burden. As it is, he managed to use it against me anyway when he told me the best day of my father's life was when he forgot who I was. I didn't need to give him any more weapons.

And neither do you. I'd personally rather have my spouse pick at me for being "unforthcoming" (with vague MC/GR plausible deniability) than to be shredded in detail for not doing this and that. Or, you may still be picked apart but it hurts less when the picking doesn't really hit the mark because she doesn't know the details.

[bloomie]

IsleOfSong - my heart goes out to you, your brother, and your dear mom. This is a difficult diagnosis to have confirmed and the changes you are already seeing are so hard!!!

Having walked a long road in similar shoes I can say without hesitation that preserving your emotional energy and strength is essential.

You may find others, like your wife, that are not helpful in this process. People who know better than you, people who refuse to believe the diagnosis and deny obvious changes in your mother, people who limit their 'support' to criticizing and or completely ignoring reality. Loved ones who go into the wood work and are unseen and unheard from as you grapple with this.

Doing what you believe, along with your sibling, mom, medical professionals and caregivers, is best and right for you mom is the focused goal. And, you will do it imperfectly with love and tenderness. At least that is what was true for me. There is nothing that can fully equip us for this kind of change in a parent.

Living with someone who is limited in their sensitivity and empathy during this time underscores how important it is to be wise in how and what you share and with whom. That is not withholding information. It is filtering information to a level another person can manage based upon their limitations and how trustworthy they are/or are not to handle details respectfully and kindly.

Take very good care of you in all of this and keep sharing! We are here to listen and support!

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks, square and bloomie. Good advice as always. Basically this boils down to me setting a boundary — something that my wife doesn't tend to like. Oh well! Mom comes first, with my sanity a close second.

Part of me is thinking that this could be a "kick in the pants" for me to get on with the business of finally leaving my wife and our toxic marriage. Life is short, and being at this age and stage of living (I turn 55 later this month), it's starting to feel even shorter. Plus, if my mom does go to a home of some kind, I would have a house full of her very nice furniture to "start over" with.... food for thought.

[sunshine702]

This was the most disconcerting part of my relationship.  The no Grief/ Compassion during a painful loss.  Ramani talks about work around a a lot.  Do you have someone safe for the real feelings and go grey rock with the partner

[newlyawakened]

Sorry that you are going through this.

Oh well! Mom comes first, with my sanity a close second.

Pardon me if I am nitpicking, it should be the other way around - your sanity comes first always. Only if you have your sanity intact you can help anyone near and dear. Sending you my thoughts and prayers as you navigate your situation.

In terms of age and length marriage, my timeline is similar to yours. I have made up my mind to exit for my own sanity. If I think about it I stayed way too long and all the assumptions I made when I stayed multiple times in the past have been quashed by later experiences. There are 2 ways to think about it at this age - "I have endured this marriage for 20 something years in my prime years I can surely get through another 20" vs "I have endured this for 20 years, let me at least live the next 20 in peace and happiness". I am choosing the latter.

[IsleOfSong]

Sorry you are going through this. Pardon me if I am nitpicking, it should be the other way around - your sanity comes first always. Only if you have your sanity intact you can help anyone near and dear. Sending you my thoughts and prayers as you navigate your situation.

It's funny, after I made my last post, I thought about that order as well. You make a good point! It's like the old oxygen mask analogy on an airplane...

Do you have someone safe for the real feelings and go grey rock with the partner

I sure do.... not only my brother, but good friends who truly have my back. When I got the news about my mom, the first person I told was a friend. I got the compassion I needed in that moment.