Just when I thought I was out...

[NBRiverGuy]

uPDw is now PDw. She went to the doctor a week ago in what he described in his notes as a "manic state w/out psychotic features." His initial diagnosis on her chart is bipolar disorder, but he referred her to a psychiatrist who will evaluate her next month. I am still positive there is a PD underlying the bipolar disorder. After everything she has put me, my friends and family through over the years, I don't think that I want to save the marriage, but I do want to see her land on her feet. I'm hoping that with the proper meds and therapy, she can get to a better mental state to handle the transition before I drop the news.

[bloomie]

NBRiverGuy - right there with you in hoping this diagnosis will offer some direction and help for your PDw.

Keep taking good care of you and focusing as much as you can on doing what is best for your health and vitality in all of this! Keep us updated!

[NBRiverGuy]

Keep taking good care of you and focusing as much as you can on doing what is best for your health and vitality in all of this! Keep us updated!

Thank you, Bloomie. I'm trying to learn how to do that right now, but it is harder for me than it should be.

[Rebel13]

it is harder for me than it should be.

I feel that way too, but my therapist keeps telling me that most people don't know and/or struggle with this stuff. As a culture, we're really not good at teaching people how to care for our emotions, be kind to ourselves, have self-compassion, or set boundaries/protect ourselves. I do see progress for myself with working on it, so I hope that helps!

[MaxedOut]

My SO has bipolar (diagnosed and identified trait-wise when she was a minor). My belief is that the borderline traits also developed early, in part, from parental inability to meet her emotions well. Then the BPD stuff was pretty quiet until she had a major episode that caused long-term functional and employability loss. The cognitive impacts, coupled with shame about functional loss then made the borderline stuff roar back.

Or the classic abuser cycle stuff where behaviors are held in check more until relationships get cemented by things like living together, getting married, etc.

A major thing for me in the past year is letting go of trying/needing to figure it all out, to explain things as it blocked me from thinking about impact to me and care of myself (not the case for everyone, of course).

[NBRiverGuy]

W had a horribly abusive mother who continued to abuse her until the day she died. That is definitely where her behavior stems from. I've spent the past 20 years thinking that I could help her overcome it. I cannot. Another poster directed me towards some literature on codependency yesterday. Took a look at it last night I definitely check many of those boxes. I need to work on how to break that behavior so that I can move forward.   
I found this article about the relationship between BPDs and codependents and it made me shiver.
https://www.ashleyberges.com/how-it-starts-the-relationship-between-the-co-dependent-and-the-borderline/

[Rebel13]

Good for you NBRG for keeping on exploring and finding resources to help you with what you need.