Parenting a daughter with bpd

Aliceinwonderland · October 27, 2024, 11:31:55 AM

Hello! I live with my 20 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD almost two years ago. She also suffers from bulimia and has a substance abuse disorder (alcohol and cannabis). She has been hospitalised three times for excessive use. Last year she was in a psychiatric's clinic intensive outpatient programme.The programme has a psychodynamic orientation. She had had her ups and downs but she managed to complete the programme in mid-July. Then there has been a 2 month break and from mid-September she continues with group therapy (her former group combined with another one) twice weekly.

A year ago, before starting the programme, she had been preparing for exams for a fine arts school. However she was without therapy at the time and could not manage the stress of the exam prep. and she had resorted to heavy cannabis use. As you can imagine she failed the exams. Last year she had decided to abandon any academic goals and focus on her mental health by attending the outpatient programme. By the end of the programme we had seen some positive changes regarding substance use and we encouraged her to pursue studies in graphic design as she wished.She had changed her mind about fine arts. We also agreed to support her studies financially. During there has been a deterioration in her condition because summer because of the holidays, breaking up with her boyfriend together with the break in therapy. She went through a major depressive episode, her bulimia worsened and she was self harming. She also stopped taking her medication (antipsychotics).

In mid September she started college and two weeks later she started the group therapy. The situation now is as follows. Regarding her therapy she has attended only twice and she avoids going there for the last two weeks. We had a discussion with her stressing the importance of continuing and she reassured us that she has no intention of ceasing therapy and that she just needed a break. The new group composition makes her feel akcward.

As for college, she only attends her classes. The rest of the time she is hanging out with a new group of people who engage in heavy substance use.She is smoking cannabis all day long, even before her classes. Every night she hangs out at bars or at the dorms drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis. She will not come back home for the night or she will call her dad to pick her up at 1.00am because she has no means for coming back home. She will not sleep through the night but in the early morning for 5 days in a row. We also suspect that she has started using stimulants MDMA. We want to support her autonomy and help her pursue her academic goals but we feel that the situation is out of control. We worry for her health and her well being. She has a major bulimic episode every night, she scarcely eats during the day and she has lost weight. We also worry about the effect of cannabis on her mental health and her therapy. We want set limits on substance use without straining our relationship.

JR · October 27, 2024, 12:51:59 PM

wow, where do you start to handle all this, maybe start setting boundaries along with some tough love, like eliminating all drugs and alcohol to begin with, if she doesn't abide in those rules start by cutting off all the financial help, seems like you've given her more than enough help and empathy and its going nowhere with her so its not your fault at all if she doesn't improve the situation. Sorry for this extremely tough situation might help getting into a support group of some kind so you know your not alone in this struggle.

notrightinthehead · October 27, 2024, 02:17:13 PM

Check out Alanon for family members of drug abusers. You need serious information and support. As the previous poster suggested, you might be enabling the lifestyle choices your daughter makes. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change and it is more helpful in the long run to accelerate the journey down rather than delay delay with lots of interventions. Of course it is incredibly hard when it is your own child. We want to nurture and protect. But it doesn't sound like what you have tried so far has been successful. So maybe it's time for a different approach.

Rebel13 · October 27, 2024, 03:12:08 PM

Quote from: Aliceinwonderland on October 27, 2024, 11:31:55 AMWe want set limits on substance use without straining our relationship.

If you can't have both -- and you probably can't -- which one do you want more? Are you ready to start setting boundaries, even if it is upsetting to her or causes a breach between you? Or are you more concerned with maintaining the relationship, and willing to cope with the stress her behavior is causing you? Knowing the answer to this question will be important for what strategies you choose. And also being aware of when and how your priorities change over time.

Aliceinwonderland · October 27, 2024, 05:59:47 PM

I think that it is essential to set boundaries. I am wondering if paying for college gives us the right to cease any financial support if she does not start working seriously on her mental health and substance use.
However, I am not sure whether ceasing financial support will be seen by her as way to control her behaviour.

Aliceinwonderland · October 28, 2024, 12:55:28 AM

Quoting the following from the site's toolbox:

"However, our instinctive gut reactions of guilt can also be activated when we refuse to help another person. This is where most Non-PD's experience guilt because often in the process of setting boundaries, Non-PD's will have to make a choice of whether or not to give another person, who suffers from a personality disorder, something which they want, which comes at a great personal cost to the Non-PD if they say "no"

I fear that this is where I am standing

Aliceinwonderland · October 29, 2024, 03:29:56 AM

Hello again. Thank you for your input. Me and my husband are getting support from the psychiatric clinic twice a month alongside our daughter's treatment. Many issues regarding the way we handle our daughter's problems have come up. We've been trying to work on them without much success, as it seems. I agree that we have a big issue with setting boundaries.

Last night we had a discussion with our daughter. We told her that the decisions regarding her lifestyle are up to her. However we stressed that will not continue to support her studies financially if she does not eliminate substance use and start working seriously on her mental health. She got angry and told us that if we do that we are going to take away the only thing that gives structure in her daily life. She also told us that she is doing really well regarding her mental health and refused the fact that she has started using substances again. When we confronted her with the facts she just left. She went out to meet this group of people and called my husband an hour later to ask for money. He transferred a small amount of money in her card... She come back home at 7.00 in the morning, cooked for her bulimic episode, left the kitchen in a mess and refused to clean it up.

I feel like I am hitting a dead end here and I would appreciate some input.

Rebel13 · October 29, 2024, 10:49:24 AM

Hi Alice,

I'm glad you are getting help and support from a therapist. That's been really useful for me in my own struggles.

I am not a parent so it's hard for me to understand some of what you are going through. I fully support you in setting boundaries. Again, that's been very helpful to me in my relationships. If it were me, I would have difficulty living with someone whose behavior is so erratic and disrespectful. I think you are doing what you can in being as clear and specific as you can with her about your expectations, what you will and won't do. I know a lot of parents feel super responsible for their children's every whim these days, but lots of us didn't have support from our parents as young people and we made it through. At least in my case, I learned some important lessons and good habits by having to solve my own problems, that have served me well in life.

I wish you the best in figuring out this difficult situation.

notrightinthehead · October 29, 2024, 04:24:24 PM

Alice, I am a mother and I have a daughter who was on a downward path. When I began to withdraw financial support because her life was comfortable and she did not study nor work, she had a temper tantrum of note. I stuck to my resolution and felt horrible. It didn't take her long to realize that she could not go on like before and she found herself a job.

When your daughter called you and demanded money, she was testing your boundaries. When you transfered money, you showed her that the boundaries didn't exist. The behavior that followed showed you how much she respects you. It's your choice if you want to encourage this behavior or not. As a parent you are not your child's friend. You are the adult in this relationship. And that sometimes means to make decisions that are unpopular with your children.

Aliceinwonderland · October 30, 2024, 06:49:05 AM

Thank you for your replies.

I know the time has come for a different approach. I have to overcome my feelings of guilt and my drive to protect and provide for her. I also have to tolerate her reactions, believe in judgment and stick to my decisions. There is a fine line between helping and enabling...

notrightinthehead · October 30, 2024, 01:03:56 PM

Indeed. And our children know us so well. They know exactly which sensitive parts to push. And we love them and do want them to be happy. Still, maybe now is the time to allow her to experience some consequences of her behaviour.

Aliceinwonderland · November 01, 2024, 01:49:12 AM

Thank you for the encouragement. I have to stop stepping in and rescuing her or providing her with solutions when she is in trouble. My fear so far has been that without our support her condition might deteriorate. My main fear has been her using other substances, like hard drugs, and/or quitting therapy.

notrightinthehead · November 01, 2024, 02:31:02 AM

And she might do something stupid. You know her, you have an idea what she is capable of. Just like the kid that goes out into the snow without coat and thinks "it serves my mother right that I am freezing, why doesn't she fix my coat."
I have found strong support in 12 step groups and can only recommend them. Especially as parents of drug abusers, the feeling of guilt is so overwhelming. It really helps to connect with others who have loved ones that abuse substances. Please consider working on yourself and getting support for yourself. The healthier you are mentally and emotionally, the better you will be able to help your daughter.

Aliceinwonderland · November 01, 2024, 02:49:10 AM

you are totally right. I have to join an An-anon group. Because the other issue in my family is my husband. He has a mild alcohol use disorder. In my opinion he is a functional alcoholic. I have brought this issue in therapy but he is in denial.I have also enabled him for many years.
He has to support me in stopping enabling our daughter but this hits on his own issues. He insists that if her grades are good we have no point in stopping our financial support.