First Post Here

[Ramona1983]

Hello. I've come to this forum because I finally reached my limit or ability to tolerate my Mom's behaviors. I never would've thought she's a narcissist but when discussing the situation with Chat GPT it recommended a bunch of articles on NPD. My Mom exercises extreme avoidance, defensiveness and a total inability to take ownership for her mistakes/flaws/faults. Whenever I confront her on some way she's hurt me she'll dramatically say, "I can't do anything right. All you do is criticize me." The whole situation then gets flipped the other way. Recently she attempted to trigger me by control and punishment. I was able to maintain a healthy boundary. I am very proud of this accomplishment. It feels like I've spent my whole life trying to cater to her lack of communication. I want more than anything to have a close, loving relationship with my Mom but it's time for me to accept that this isn't happening. Even though she's at fault for our recent troubles she told me she needs a break from me! Instead of drafting all these comebacks and arguments I am sitting back and finally doing nothing. I'm exhausted from scurrying for scraps of her inconsistent love and acceptance. I'm hoping this forum will help me not fall into the dysfunctional roles of either the bully or the victim. Thanks for reading and caring.

[bloomie]

Hello and welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for giving us an idea of some of the challenges in your relationship with your mom. My heart hurts for you as it seems your mom is not healthy enough to have a reasonably loving and supportive relationship with you. I am very sorry and understand the disappointment, confusion and pain that comes with that realization.

Even though she's at fault for our recent troubles she told me she needs a break from me! Instead of drafting all these comebacks and arguments I am sitting back and finally doing nothing. I'm exhausted from scurrying for scraps of her inconsistent love and acceptance.

Wow! You are on your way! What good insights and healthy choices you are making to release your mom to take full responsibility for herself and to communicate clearly.

Learning to respond to what a loved one is showing us, telling us (with our without words) they want with us is a huge milestone in this coming Out of the FOG journey, I have found. Your mother has said she needs a break after you held your ground and did not cooperate with her attempting to control and punish you! You are appropriately responding by no longer rushing in with a Mary Poppins' bag full of things to reestablish the status quo and soothe her.

Part of the journey sometimes is leaving space for another to recognize and feel their own feelings and learn ways to cope with them that don't involve living in a defensive, accusatory posture with others.

The thing about this healing journey, this growing awareness and awakening in ourselves is that those we love and long to have relationships with may not choose to join us on this journey.   

Like you describe of yourself, I spent a lot of my life catering (or fawning - a trauma response) and going toward people who seemed to often be on the retreat from me, only seeing me and engaging with me as long as I over performed in the relationship and took responsibility for nearly everything. I found that not sustainable at a certain point as exhausted as you describe yourself.

This is a community that will support you. A gathering of fellow travelers and courageous people who are unwilling to live in a static place that is harming them with those they love. May you find great strength and support from our shared stories, keen insights and understanding. Welcome!

A couple of interesting resources around the trauma response of fawning - if that is of interest to you:

The work of Ingrid Clayton, PhD found here: https://www.ingridclayton.com/blog
The work of Pete Walker, M.A. found here: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

[Ramona1983]

[Like you describe of yourself, I spent a lot of my life catering (or fawning - a trauma response) and going toward people who seemed to often be on the retreat from me, only seeing me and engaging with me as long as I over performed in the relationship and took responsibility for nearly everything. I found that not sustainable at a certain point as exhausted as you describe yourself.

[/quote]

This is well put, thank you because it's exactly how I feel! I will read those articles now - knowledge is power and the promise of escape from the patterns.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Ramona1983,

Dropping in to say hello and wish you another warm welcome to Out of the FOG.  Sorry to read of your difficulties in dealing with your mother but well done on the research and landing here. 

On this forum, you are among good people from all over the globe, yet we walk the same trails together. Each forum board is like a warm campfire with open seats available, along these life paths. Pull up a chair around the campfires of choice, rest your tired feet by the fire and join right in on the conversations. 

You are truly not alone in your experiences.  See you around the boards!

SoT

[NBRiverGuy]

Welcome Ramona. As SoT mentioned, this a supportive community where you will find many similar stories to your own. I was amazed when I first arrived here at how many other posters seemed to be mirroring my life. Sharing my own experiences, reading others, and interacting with those going through the same issues has helped me tremendously. I hope you find the same. 

[Ramona1983]

Thank you RiverGuy & SonofThunder! I'm grateful to have found this space. I think this is that final touch of support I need to change my actions from reflexes to intentional.

[belphegorey]

Hi, Ramona! I just joined too, and you know what's funny? I found a lucky penny from 1983 on the ground today, so I think it was a sign :p
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. It's so hard to keep trying to make someone happy when you've done it for them for so long, only for them to not bother trying at all for you. Even stepping back from the situation means having to figure out what to do with that energy now. It's so easy to fall back into old patterns for comfort's sake but we deserve to pour our energy into ourselves now 

I hope we bump into each other on this forum, being the new kids and all

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm glad you found this forum. Educating yourself and seeking help will benefit you tremendously. If your mom wants a break from you, let her have one. You can then decide if you would want family therapy. Would your mom agree to it, or walk out when the therapist tells her she's the problem?