New here w/ 53 year old PD brother; feel trapped

[Veggies]

I have a 53 year old PD brother who is almost blind (can't drive) who lives in a rural area with my elderly mother. I live across the country. He's verbally abusive to my mom, and to me when I call my mom. He has no insight into why it's not ok for him to cuss and insult her (and me), and acts like whoever the target is, is the actual problem.

I want to bring my mom to live with me. She owns the place they live, and he could stay there and live, but he's almost totally blind and can't drive. It's rural, so I don't think there are social services, and all he would have is Doordash or grocery store delivery as a way to get food from the nearest small city, and no way to go anywhere else. He doesn't want to apply for social security/disability because he would have to give up his remote job that pays a bit more than that, so it would disqualify him for benefits.

I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. It's impossible to get him to change his behavior, and I also feel like I can't abandon him to live alone because of his disability.

Help?

PS I just joined, and was reading the FAQs where it said you would see a "Profile" tab at the top of the page, but I don't see that. Am I looking in the wrong place? Also, I keep getting an error message saying I typed the wrong answer in the box when I didn't.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Veggies and welcome to Out of the FOG.  Sorry you feel stuck.  If this 53 year old verbally abusive blind man was just a random guy who owned the home and your mother rented a room from him, would you have any issues with removing her? 

If not, then I recommend you focus on the abuse victim and let the chips fall on the abuser, who just happens to be related to you.  The facts, per your description, are that he's an adult middle aged man who is abusive to an elderly women.  He's an adult, so he can deal with the circumstances of your protection of your mother, because his mouth is under his control, even though his eyesight may not be.  His eyes are not abusing your mother.

I recommend you move your mother out of the home of an abusive man and set his relationship to you to the side, because his title of 'brother' has no bearing on the facts you stated. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

[bloomie]

Hi Veggies - welcome to Out of the FOG. What a difficult situation to navigate. My heart goes out to you and to your mother who has to be in a tough spot as well.

I am thankful you reached out for support and hope we can encourage and empower you. One thing we do advocate here is to put vulnerable people first as we problem solve and figure out how to go forward when faced with such challenges. It helps to be able to prioritize when looking at things that way.

What came to mind to ask is: What does your mother want? How is she experiencing all of this? From the side of the screen having very little to go on I would figure out what my parent wants and what is best and right for them. Your first priority I am thinking.

You describe your sibling as an adult person who is able to work remotely and possibly figure out what their options for transportation or daily needs for their activities all on their own.

Your concern and willingness to bring your mom to live with you is commendable. Working with your mom to decide how to move forward could strengthen your relationship and help you make decisions.

In the meantime, keep sharing here and make good use of the resources and insights from this community!

PS I just joined, and was reading the FAQs where it said you would see a "Profile" tab at the top of the page, but I don't see that. Am I looking in the wrong place? Also, I keep getting an error message saying I typed the wrong answer in the box when I didn't.

To view your profile go to the top left furthest side of the screee and tap on the round profile emblem which will open a drop down menu and allow your view your profile. Feel free to reach out if that is not working for you or opening the menu you are looking for.

[Defiantdaughter1]

Your brother might be bitter because of the blindness. He wants to take out his anger against anyone who happens to be in his presence or over the phone. He needs counseling. Online counseling is available since he lives in a rural area. He needs an outlet or hobby for his anger. I know he has a lot of limitations about what activities he can do because of being blind. I'm glad he can work from home because that will help him have something productive to do, which will help him emotionally.