Hello 👋

[Lesserri]

Hello All,

I came across this forum due to needing to find support. I grew up with emotionally immature, abusive, narcissistic parents, especially my mother. I left home at 16 when she told me to either change my attitude or get out. I left.  I was tired of never being heard, treated like cinderella and not having emotionally needs met. I've been in the world for 25 years, longer than I was in their care. I went no contact for a bit, and tried again. Lasted a few months as she would pretend everythings fine, then she would show her true colours and asking why I said certain things, or acted a certain way. She would push my buttons and make it my fault somehow despite me pointing out her part of it, to her not getting anywhere. So go no contact for 5 years did healing, learned who my parents are, what they did, how i am an entitlement to them. I tried again last year.. lasted 6 months due to her getting mad over a online card game because I didn't send her this dumb artifical card. So, I stopped again.  My birthday just past... all I said was thank you and I get Facebook friend requested, and questions... I didn't respond.  Last Sunday she texted me how I haven't replied for 2 months.  All I said was thank you.  Now, I do not know what I even want from her, as she never has been there for me truly. Yet, I care, so I don't block due to health issues.  I'm trying to learn how to establish boundaries with her when she just takes in personal, and doesn't listen. 

If anyone has similar issue and had any insight i would appreciate it.

[JR]

glad you found this place lesserri seems that you found out early in life about narcissistic abuse and dealt with it quite good really, you extricated yourself at 16. and got away from it and saved yourself alot of toxic abuse by doing so. in my case being born into a narc family and being the scapegoat i was subjugated to toxic abuse also, but didnt know that there was a thing such as NPD Narcissistic personality disorder even existed till 62 years later doing a GOOGLE search on some of the bad behaviors (many) that have been hurled on me, and had a aha moment when i found that needle in a haystack. personally i would not be lured back into helping a older and sicker narcissist, i did and am really regreting it, at first it seems like the nobler and compassionate right thing to do, but will quickly develop into the same and even worse abuse you encountered when you were 16, these people get worse with age and are just waiting for you to have an empathic moment to get you close so they can resume the abuse and relieve themselves of the toxic self hate stress they have. I would keep your distance and maybe get a visiting nurse to manage them. keep what peace you've gained from them, they will give you nothing back for your compassionate gestures for sure.

[bloomie]

Lesserri - welcome to Out of the FOG! I am thankful you found this supportive community as you find the way forward that works best for you in the complicated relationship issues you face with your parents, especially your mother.

Count me in as another one inspired by you realizing at such an early age how out of balance the relationship with your mother was and left. Wow!

I never went nc with my own mother who had strong disordered traits along with addiction and dependency issues most of my life. But, I did have periods of taking a time out and did have to learn how to live out my boundaries and limits to mitigate the damage to myself and my family from her toxic behaviors.

For me, I had to take a step back and examine what my core values are - the guiding principles of my life from which I make decisions and live. Why that helped me is it shifted me into a position of responding and making important decisions around communication and frequency and level of contact from my values and not from another's brokenness and disordered behaviors. 

When it came to communication - which seems to be the most pressing issue right now you are facing - I came to believe that for me, consistency is kind.

So, deciding what level of communication (if any) I could reasonably have, how often, the topics I was willing to discuss, questions I would or would not answer, all of the aspects of communicating with a person who was not safe beyond the most superficial level, was my work to do. And staying within those limits as consistently as possible was the most loving and kind thing I could do. For myself and others.

I will say that none of this figuring out is easy or is it a straight trajectory to a settled place for me. So, progress not perfection is what I have tried very hard to set as a goal for myself in communication with difficult people that are a part of my life package.

My time here sharing and reading the insights of others has been empowering to me in ways that nothing else I have done has been. My hope is that your time here, using the toolbox above, looking through the resources, books, video recommendations, joining the conversations taking place on the sub forums will be of great help to you!

[Defiantdaughter1]

Some parents will never get it. They truly believe they can do no wrong. Some parents, particularly those with a PD, think it's their way or the highway.

When you left home at 16, how did you afford rent and groceries? I thought about it, but I didn't think I could support myself. I'm glad you found a way out.