Feeling Trapped in an Endless Cycle: How Do I Protect My Child?

[Julian]

Hello, everyone. I'm here because I've been navigating a situation that's felt impossible to manage, and I'm unsure where else to turn. I've been married to my wife, "Amy," since 2018. We have a four-year-old daughter, "Lucy." When Amy and I first started dating over a decade ago, I noticed her struggle with anxiety. At the time, it seemed intense, but we were able to manage. However, since Lucy was born, and especially over the past six months, things have spiraled. In December, Amy lost her job, and since then, her behavior has become erratic, explosive, and deeply destabilizing for both Lucy and me.

To give some context, Amy's mental health struggles have escalated in ways that have overwhelmed our home. She's been in therapy and has been given broad diagnoses of OCD, anxiety, and PTSD, for which she's on medication. When I try to discuss my concerns with her, she frames it as me "making fun of mental illness," comparing it to asking a person with no legs to walk. I've tried to support her, giving her space and time to unwind, but increasingly she's withdrawn from responsibilities as a mother, leaving me to carry the weight. It hurts that she can't—or won't—acknowledge the strain this puts on us.

While I realize it's risky to make amateur diagnoses, everything I've researched—combined with conversations with my own therapist—keeps pointing back to narcissistic personality disorder. Amy needs constant praise, gifts, and validation to function, and without it, she becomes volatile. I'm aware of confirmation bias, and I wonder if it's just my perspective clouding things. But then I remember the incidents, and it's hard to ignore the pattern.

Over the past year, specific situations have pushed me to my limit. On Lucy's birthday, for example, Amy's anger at her mother escalated into days of shouting. She demanded I take her shopping daily, resulting in another blowup with her father. Just a week later, she acted out similarly with my parents, becoming obsessive with shopping despite our financial situation and displaying hostility toward Lucy. Eventually, she grew violent with me when I tried to prevent her from taking the car, once again threatening to harm herself. That incident ended with her handcuffed and placed on a psychiatric hold. Afterward, Amy blamed everyone else—never taking responsibility for her behavior.

About a month ago, I suffered a concussion during an incident on the subway. Amy had refused to show her ID to a transit officer, claiming it triggered her PTSD. As her frustration grew, she threatened to jump onto the tracks. In the chaos, I stepped in to protect her and was pushed by an officer, resulting in my head injury. While I was recovering, she became angry at me for not taking her out to the movies and resented my parents for not showing her enough sympathy. That was a breaking point for me. It's as if there's nothing I can do to make her happy, and no amount of support I offer is ever enough.

For months, I was afraid to ask for help, even from my own parents, who have witnessed her behavior firsthand. I worry constantly about the impact on Lucy, and I've even hesitated to hire a cleaning service out of fear that CPS might intervene if they saw the mess in our home.

About two weeks ago, I finally resolved to take Lucy to my parents' house, hoping to give us both some peace. But when it came down to it, I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. The guilt and worry for her weighed on me, and I ended up staying.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel trapped between wanting to do what's best for Lucy and being unable to cope with Amy's behavior any longer. Any advice or even just someone to listen would mean a lot right now. Thank you.

[square]

Sorry to hear you're going through all that - and that is a LOT.

You might benefit from journaling incidents, because our minds can easily gloss over them after the immediate crisis passes. Rereading later can help break through cognitive dissonance.

If your parents are supportive of you, consider opening up to them. You can do it all at once or slowly.

Consider stopping covering up for her behavior to others. I remember I felt a lot of relief after some initial anxiety when I stopped covering for my spouse. One item may be calling the cleaning company and, yes, letting them see the situation.

I wanted to address the physical abuse. First, it's very concerning. It's not okay. But I also want you to feel safe sharing it. People sometimes have a way of reacting like you are at fault for tolerating it, so folks may clam up again instead of talking about it. It's okay that it's taken you time to face it and we're here to help you face it some more. You deserve to feel safe at home and in your marriage.

What you described with constant demand for gifts and praise sounds exhausting and problematic. There is more to that under the surface, such as placing responsibility onto others to fill a void. There's no issue for someone to value gifts and praise, it's the almost invisible mechinations where you feel you must provide them or pay some sort of dreadful price that is the problem.

Read around here and keep posting.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Julian!
I worry about you and I worry more about your kid. This is not a safe place for a kid. Please read the Toolbox an begin to implement the strategies described there. A time out for all of you and a cooling down period is an excellent idea. If your wife threatens to hurt herself, call the specialists! They can help her better than you can.
As Square wrote begin to document. Use your phone to record temper tantrums. Abuse amnesia is real. Documenting and recording will help you remember.
Welcome to our world! You are not alone.

[Julian]

Thank you, Square, for such a thoughtful reply. I'm new to the forums, and while it's comforting to know I'm not alone, reading here also brings up sadness in seeing how many others are struggling. Since this is a forum, I don't mind being open; I just hope none of this sounds like excuses.

I've been keeping a journal for about ten years, initially to track my professional growth. As time went on, it became a place to record personal events, especially after my daughter was born. Eventually, it also became a record of my concerns with my wife and, later, a way to process the ongoing arguments. Writing helps me keep my grip on reality after one of her meltdowns, though it feels like I'm constantly pulled between documenting everything and actually living. Worse, if she learns I've recorded something, she often says I'm "weaponizing" her mental health.

For years, I kept everything from my parents. They probably suspected something, even when we were dating, but I tried to shield them. This summer, I broke down with my dad for the first time. He was supportive and loving, though I kept thinking, "I don't want them to hate her." Since her hospital stay, my parents even joined a mental health support group to learn more. Recently, things became complicated when my wife asked her mom to check in on me since I was setting boundaries. My parents reached out, and I admitted that things were still rough. They spoke to my wife's mom, thinking it would help, but instead, her mom told my wife everything. Now, I feel even more isolated and paranoid—like I'm being watched.

Just yesterday, for instance, my wife demanded my phone passcode at 4 a.m., saying she needed it for an "emergency." It wasn't an emergency; she wanted to snoop. I've never been unfaithful, but any communication on my part is seen as "flirting" or an "emotional affair." Anytime I go out, which is rare, she finds a reason to accuse me of breaking some "rule," and then revisits these accusations years later. Isolation is an understatement.

Then there are the endless demands for "proof" of my loyalty. Every argument ends with me needing to "win her back," usually with gifts or tokens of affection. But no matter what I buy or do, it's not enough. If I get her one thing, she'll demand I replace something else to "make up" for past wrongs. Sometimes she'll demand a "date," yet puts no thought into who will watch our daughter, or the logistics of actually going out. If we do make it, she'll often work herself into frustration over unrelated issues, usually around our daughter, and I end up having to refocus on "supporting" her. It's a cycle that never ends.

One last thing I want to address: reading here, I see many women dealing with narcissistic husbands, which sounds more extreme than what I'm facing. I bring it up because even though I'm not worried about physical harm, I recognize how numb I've become to it, and that in itself is a concern. I recently heard about a woman who, after years of abuse, finally lashed out and hurt her husband. Her life was ruined—she lost her job, her kids, everything. I think about that because, on some level, I feel that could be me someday. Or worse—what if I'm the one at fault, too oblivious to see it? If it ends badly, people might say I "deserved it." That possibility scares me.

[Julian]

And thank you Notrightinthehead, I'm literally headed to the toolbox once I finish this sentence.

[square]

while it's comforting to know I'm not alone, reading here also brings up sadness in seeing how many others are struggling.

I've got some good news for you. Folks who stay on the forum a good while, rather than staying stuck and sad, grow.

Recently, things became complicated when my wife asked her mom to check in on me since I was setting boundaries. My parents reached out, and I admitted that things were still rough. They spoke to my wife's mom, thinking it would help, but instead, her mom told my wife everything. Now, I feel even more isolated and paranoid—like I'm being watched.

Yeah, this sounds stressful. At the risk of stating the obvious, you and your parents cannot trust your wife or her mother and likely not any of her family or friends.

Your parents sound like trusting, open, problem solvers, and likely raised you the same. I had a similar background. It's painful to learn that you can't always be that way.

Just yesterday, for instance, my wife demanded my phone passcode at 4 a.m., saying she needed it for an "emergency." It wasn't an emergency; she wanted to snoop.

Your boundaries get chipped away to nothing and it's still never enough.

One last thing I want to address: reading here, I see many women dealing with narcissistic husbands, which sounds more extreme than what I'm facing.

I hate to break it to you, but you're describing a pretty extreme situation. You're the frog in the pot.

I bring it up because even though I'm not worried about physical harm, I recognize how numb I've become to it, and that in itself is a concern.

Numb to you being physically harmed? You don't have to fear for your life to be suffering from real physical abuse.

Having stuff, even little stuff, thrown at you is stressful. Getting scratched or slapped hurts, I don't care if you're twice your wife's size, it doesn't matter.

Violence is abusive because it's a method of control. How often have you been controlled - done something you didn't want to do - because you didn't want a mug thrown at your head or because it's scary having a person with crazy eyes lunge at you?

It doesn't matter if you could win a cage fight. You're not in a cage fight. You don't want to be in a cage fight. You just want to be able to resolve a freaking disagreement like a normal couple, and not have your heart hammering in your chest. Even if you never actually get injured.

And you did get injured - while not a direct hit from your wife, her antics caused you a concussion, which is serious. And I don't know, maybe you have been directly injured by her. Bruises are broken blood vessels, scratches are broken skin, that kind of behavior is not remotely okay from a spouse who is supposed to protect and care for us, not be the cause of our fear and anguish and injury!

I recently heard about a woman who, after years of abuse, finally lashed out and hurt her husband. Her life was ruined—she lost her job, her kids, everything. I think about that because, on some level, I feel that could be me someday.

And, finally, yes. I'm sorry to say that these are very valid fears.

There can be a temptation to strike back while in fight or flight, to try to finally get the message across to her that this is not okay and maybe scare her into stopping or reminding her or even yourself that you are not without agency.

But it would not work and only backfire on you. She will not get the message. She sees herself as a victim and would weaponize it against you.

You gotta remove yourself from it. It's imperative.

Or worse—what if I'm the one at fault, too oblivious to see it? If it ends badly, people might say I "deserved it." That possibility scares me.

Do you have this volatile relationship with your parents? Other family?

Friends? Even former ones?

Coworkers?

[notrightinthehead]

To all of the above.

You should also get the book "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad. You are in a pretty bad situation and it does you no good to think that others are worse off. Your wellbeing is your responsibility and at the moment you are so caught up in the FOG fear, obligation, guilt, that you cannot think or see straight. We have all been there.
The first step is to take your focus away from the difficult behaviour of your wife and concentrate on your enabling behaviour. Your wife is difficult in context with you. You give her the stage to behave in an unacceptable manner.
And her mother, if she doesn't have a PD herself, very probably is a big time enabler herself.
And then read the book "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft. There is a free download on the internet available. Although this books deals with men, a lot of the behaviour you describe is found and analysed in the book. It all helps to break down your critical thinking and your defences, leaving you vulnerable and completely exposed to the abuse of the PD.
Fortunately you have your parents. Do you have a counsellor/therapist for yourself? And please tell your parents and everyone you decide to open up to, that if they ever tell her or her supporters anything you have trusted them with, you will no longer be able to have a close, open relationship with them.

You should also begin documenting, ideally so that you can prove it later, the kind of parenting your wife does. This is with a custody battle in mind. Document, document, document. Maybe even get legal advice now, even if you will never use it, but know what is important and what to look out for.

[Julian]

First of all, Square, thank you for asking me that question: "Do you have this volatile relationship with your parents? Other family?" That's honestly one of the most validating things I've been asked in this whole situation. My gut reaction is an emphatic no. I don't have conflicts like this with anyone in my family or my friends; certainly not at this frequency. Sure, I've had moments of anger in extreme situations, but they're rare, and afterwards, I feel so guilty that I go out of my way to avoid getting to that point again. And yeah, I suppose everyone argues with their parents once in a while, but it's nowhere near the level of conflict I experience with my wife. She, on the other hand, has had fights with nearly everyone in her life.

When I read through my journals, I'm reminded of every incident where she's erupted, every manipulation, every incident that felt like emotional whiplash. And then I think back to before we had our daughter. Back then, when things were bad, I could just say, "it's a bad day," and go for a walk or hit the gym while she cooled off. If she was still mad when I got back, I knew she'd have to sleep eventually. But now? It's like every conflict hangs over me, with no space to breathe.

On therapy—yes, I was seeing a therapist recently. Early this summer, I went from feeling frustrated and trying to "solve" our issues to just breaking down, having random crying spurts. So I started seeing someone. The sessions helped a bit; I stopped crying as much, and it helped me start opening up to people a little, which has been huge. But my sessions also hit logistical roadblocks. My job has a rigid schedule, and with my wife needing me to take care of our daughter or, ironically, fill in for her own plans during my therapy slot, it became nearly impossible to sustain. When I could go, I felt like I was spinning my wheels. I'd describe a situation, and the therapist would suggest solutions that only seemed realistic if I wasn't living with someone with potential NPD.

My parents have been a lifeline—they joined a support group, and they're working with someone who understands mental health from the family's perspective. I've been trying to arrange to meet with this person too. We finally set a date, but then I got concussed, so I had to cancel. I'm still hoping to make that happen because I feel like I've reached a point where I need more specialized support.

As for guilt, I get that it comes from perspective, right? I tell myself, "Maybe she's upset because I'm joking around with friends instead of listening to her." I can understand feeling left out or jealous. But I can't exactly say, "Well, I want to talk to you, but the reason I don't talk to you about Halloween plans is that every time I try, it turns into a referendum on my failures." Instead, I just go along, because it feels easier than the fight that would follow.

Yesterday is a good example of this. She had a work obligation, and our daughter had a birthday party. My wife gets overwhelmed in social settings, and honestly, every time we go to these parties, she ends up wanting to shop for something we don't need, which drags the day on, leaving her and our daughter exhausted and irritable. So, instead of explaining this in detail, I just said, "Don't worry about it. You should rest." But right before the party, she called me saying, "I haven't eaten all day," trying to get me to invite her. When I hesitated, she got upset, and we were back in the same cycle. Suddenly, she was talking about Halloween costumes, texting me Amazon links, proposing a "movie night," and layering on so many plans. It's like setting boundaries is impossible when the smallest thing can trigger her.

Notrightinthehead, thank you so much for those book recommendations. I started It's Not You by Ramani Durvasula, and it's been eye-opening. She describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder in a way that feels almost too close to home. When I talk to people about my wife, I usually end up focusing on one behavior—maybe her compulsive shopping, or the way she speaks to our daughter—and it feels like they only get a slice of the bigger picture. Each behavior alone sounds like something you could explain away, but combined, it's overwhelming. And that leads me to this:

How do you deal with confirmation bias? I record things. I document it all. But I also find myself waiting for the next incident, anticipating it like I can see the storm forming on the horizon. I worry that I subconsciously do or say things that set her off, just because I'm braced for it. And I know it sounds like Stockholm syndrome, but there's logic to it—if I'm hyper-focused on capturing her behavior, how do I ensure I'm not just setting the stage for it?

I want to be fair here. I'm not perfect, and I know there are moments where I might unintentionally trigger her. But I don't want to feel like I'm just waiting for proof. How do you keep perspective when you're documenting everything?

[MaxedOut]

Stop Caretaking and Why Does He Do That are great suggestions. Based on your last post I would add another, which has specific steps/process for the sort of manipulation campaign you mention: Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life.

For documentation, I just stick with facts, not feelings or interpretation or processing. Documenting with potential future need in legal/custody settings or even your own reflection on cycles/types of abuse is distinct from journaling. If I have photos of broken stuff, threatening text screenshots, or similar from an outburst, I mention that in the entry (if I make one; tend to go through phases). I email the photos to myself and file to an online secure folder and delete from my phone. It's helpful to have frameworks for seeing and describing things in documenting and this site's toolbox and the books really help.

I would second talking to a lawyer; so much is state-specific in terms of documentation plus what information is most relevant/helpful. The book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder will give you a sense of some of this.

[Rebel13]

Hi Julian, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. This popped out at me:

But my sessions also hit logistical roadblocks. My job has a rigid schedule, and with my wife needing me to take care of our daughter or, ironically, fill in for her own plans during my therapy slot, it became nearly impossible to sustain.

Please prioritize getting therapy for yourself, preferably with someone who has experience with trauma, high-conflict personalities, and/or personality disorders. Fix the logistics. It sounds like your wife can't be counted on to care for your daughter, so make sure you have someone safe lined up who can watch her while you go. And set a boundary. There is NOTHING WRONG with you taking an hour a week to get some care for yourself. You can phrase it that way to your wife. "I'm not available for this hour. Daughter will be staying with _____ while I'm there, and I will pick her up after." Then, no matter what, YOU GO. Your daughter is taken care of and you are taking care of yourself. If your wife blows up your phone, leave it in the waiting room or put it in airplane mode. Etc.

I get it, this is really scary, and there might be A LOT of fallout to deal with afterwards. But I don't think you can get far without guidance and support. It sounds like your parents are being great, and that's terrific. People on this forum also always give great advice. But I started trauma-informed therapy six months ago, and I kinda can't believe what I've been able to accomplish in such a short time with that specific, personalized support. You deserve this as well.

[square]

My gut reaction is an emphatic no. I don't have conflicts like this with anyone in my family or my friends; certainly not at this frequency.

This is what changed things for me. For many, many years I thought WE were volatile. I thought WE had communication problems. Look, I'm not perfect, and things were not 100% his fault. But there was something so wrong and out of whack that it overshadowed everything.

I suddenly realized that in my whole life, there was only one other person I felt "that way" with - "that way" meaning this confusion and dread and fear and I don't even know what else. And that person, my teen best friend, was diagnosed with mental illness and I was always clear that the outbursts were her and not "us." Even though I was not perfect.

I've had conflicts with other people, but this was different. This was annihilating.

And I saw other people being driven away from him. There was something wrong that went beyond "us."

But now? It's like every conflict hangs over me, with no space to breathe.

It got worse for me, too. At first the blowups were so huge and confusing and I don't know, but eventually he'd calm down and I'd think we figured things out and put that kind of behavior behind us. Most of the time, things were nice.

But over time, it started becoming frequent and there was no space to heal. So I'd pull away to protect myself, he'd sense that, and he'd lash out in his feeling of being rejected. And I'd pull away and on and on until our marriage was a post apocolyptic wasteland.

I'd describe a situation, and the therapist would suggest solutions that only seemed realistic if I wasn't living with someone with potential NPD.

Hahaha, have you tried talking to her?? Maybe you should tell her how you feel?? Have you tried just sitting down with her and working it out??

No, you're with people who get it now. We know that some people cannot be reasoned with.


It's like setting boundaries is impossible when the smallest thing can trigger her.

With a PD person, instead of having a relationship with them, you have to "handle" them.

How do you deal with confirmation bias? I record things. I document it all. But I also find myself waiting for the next incident, anticipating it like I can see the storm forming on the horizon.

Number one, at some point, you are going to need to take the leap and accept that all your data adds up. The world is a sphere, that is a duck, and there is something going on that you didn't cause and you can't fix.

Number two, keep thinking about other people's experiences of you and of her. So it's not just your observations. If your other relationships are normal (normal, not perfect) and she has a history of unusual difficulty, well, you owe it to science and the pursuit of logic to accept that the world is a sphere and that is a duck.

I worry that I subconsciously do or say things that set her off, just because I'm braced for it. And I know it sounds like Stockholm syndrome, but there's logic to it—if I'm hyper-focused on capturing her behavior, how do I ensure I'm not just setting the stage for it?

This leads into point number three, but this is warped PD logic. When an organism has been threatened over and over, it will develop a defensive posture. And that does not magically bend time and cause the threat.

If your wife braced to get yelled at by you, would that cause you to unload on her?

PDs spend an awful lot of time and focus on our behavior. Are they spending even a fraction of that focus worrying about their own?

I want to be fair here.

Bam, right there, number three.

PDs hijack this noble pursuit.

I want to be fair. You want to be fair. This system breaks when the PD puts ALL the pressure on US to not only be perfect but beyond perfect. We have to bend and contort ourselves to fix their feelings, which is impossible.

You want to be fair? Sure. You can meet your promises. Avoid engaging in name calling and mocking and stuff like that. Manage our own emotions. AND EXPECT THE SAME FROM THEM.

Julian, it is now time to ask TWO questions instead of one:

1– Am I behaving reasonably and according to my values?

2– Is she?

I'm not perfect, and I know there are moments where I might unintentionally trigger her. But I don't want to feel like I'm just waiting for proof. How do you keep perspective when you're documenting everything?

Another thought: this isn't a game of "gotcha."

The warped PD mindset is that of victimhood. They feel like they are innocently going through life the best they can and people are "attacking" them for "no reason."

You don't WANT there to be a problem. You're just dealing with something you can no longer unsee. You didn't causethe problem by seeing it. You're not trying to "catch" her in anything. These ideas come from the PD mind, and the logic is broken.

It's okay to believe your own eyes.

You can be a good person and also protect yourself.

[NBRiverGuy]

For years, I kept everything from my parents. They probably suspected something, even when we were dating, but I tried to shield them. This summer, I broke down with my dad for the first time. He was supportive and loving, though I kept thinking, "I don't want them to hate her."

Yep. I went through all of that in my head for about 15 years. I finally called my mom last night and talked honestly to her about my wife for the first time ever. I have a great, trusting relationship with my mom despite all of this, although it has been shrouded in distance and avoidance for a long time. The conversation last night was cathartic. It's nice to know that I have an unconditional support group.

On therapy—yes, I was seeing a therapist recently. Early this summer, I went from feeling frustrated and trying to "solve" our issues to just breaking down, having random crying spurts. So I started seeing someone. The sessions helped a bit; I stopped crying as much, and it helped me start opening up to people a little, which has been huge.

I started seeing a therapist last January with the goal of fixing/saving my marriage. It was a waste of time and money because I was pulling punches when it came to my wife's behavior. I was trying to justify it because I didn't want the therapist to "hate" my wife which was ridiculous. He's never met my wife and would never meet my wife. But I had formed this habit of trying to paint her in a more positive light to everyone. So, he basically gave me some techniques to calm myself in times of stress and communicate more effectively with my wife.
I started with a new therapist a few weeks ago and I was open and honest. She said, "Why are you here?" I said, "My marriage of 18 years is not working and I'm considering ending it." I was very specific about her behaviors since we began dating and how her mood swings and hostility had become more frequent in recent months, citing detailed examples. At the start of the second session, the therapist handed me a stack of literature about Borderline Personality Disorder. I did not say anything about personality disorders at my first session. She said that she would help me to try to continue to exist in this marriage, but that creating an exit plan may be a healthier option at this point. I wrote about it at length in the Separating and Divorce section.
I understand your desire to save your marriage and protect your wife from judgement and hatred. I was there for years, but I finally realized that is a fantasy. I have to save myself and protect myself. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace, as this is not a peaceful journey.
 

[Julian]

Hey everyone,

I took a bit of a break from reading the responses here. I think I needed to step back because, as usual, I found myself questioning my own reality. Each time I share stories, I notice a pattern in the responses—and I want to be clear, that's not a criticism of any of you. I know you're responding to the narrative I'm presenting, but something about that feels complicated for me.

It's hard to accept the idea that I'm the "innocent party," George Bailey type just dealing with hardship. It feels too simple, maybe even a bit off from what I know about myself and my life. But after a week of relative calm, things have flared up again, and I'm realizing there are things I haven't fully shared yet—things that I feel ready to talk about now, at least a little bit.

Before I get into that, I did want to respond to some of your comments and advice from earlier. I'm grateful for the insights, and all of you offered some valuable perspectives that really made me think.

To Maxxed Out, I want to say that I've tried documenting what's going on, but I run into the same roadblocks. It's hard for me to sit with these moments captured—it's like living in this reality twice over, and it's depressing.

Rebel, yes, I realize that not continuing therapy probably speaks to my own issues. When I first posted, I told myself I'd get back to it, but I didn't. And now, I can't tell if it's on me for lying about it or for not going. Maybe that doesn't even matter at this point.

Square: your comment—"Have you tried talking to her?"—hit hard. I've spent so much energy planning conversations with her, preparing to play mental chess, only for her to flip the board. It's exhausting.

NBRiverguy, I appreciate you sharing about not wanting people to hate your wife. I get it. That struggle, of not wanting others to see her in a negative light, is something I live with daily. My close friends and family sense things are off, especially after the incident with my concussion, but I still try to shield her. I think they suspect more than I admit, and maybe they want to ask questions, but I've built up so many defenses that no one does.

And then, the question that hovers over all of this: "Why don't I leave?" The short answer is that I can't do that to our daughter. The longer answer? She threatens herself. Often. And it's relentless, surfacing as emotional blackmail that keeps me locked in place. Sometimes she'll direct those threats to me in person, over texts, through other people. Right now, I'm not even entirely sure she's okay, because earlier today, she messaged me saying I had until 4 p.m. to apologize (for what, I honestly don't know). And I realize it's probably an empty threat. I understand how unhealthy it sounds, but the thought of her actually doing something if I leave, of our daughter experiencing that fallout, is something I genuinely cannot risk.

So I'm stuck. Stuck because I see what's happening, but every time I think about leaving, I fear the worst outcome. It's not just the guilt or the financial mess I'd be left with—it's the idea of what could happen if she spirals. I know how it sounds, and I know how I sound, yet here I am, feeling like I can't involve friends or family. They'd just try to intervene, and that might ignite everything. So I end up here, questioning my reality, questioning if I'm imagining the extremity of it all. I want peace, I want change, but I feel like any move could destroy what little stability we have left.

[square]

I hope you realize my "have you tried talking to her" comment was parroting those who don't get that some people cannot be reasoned with.

You don't have to be a perfect person for something to be wrong here.

I wonder if it might be helpful to set aside the question of leaving or not for the time being. You've got a lot to process and it might be easier if you take on a smaller bite. Maybe just spend some time here reading around, including going back into old posts, and working through the toolbox.

I think the top priority is to untangle reality from fiction, to recognize cognitive dissonance. I recognize the panic you feel about it. Cognitive dissonance turns the world upside down.

You can work on yourself while you do it. The idea that you have to be perfect or it's all your fault is false, but perhaps there are ways you can grow as a person while you get things sorted in your mind.

The treatment for cognitive dissonance is to get other perspectives. If you are looking at a rock and someone tells you, no, that's a tree, and they tell you for years how absurd it is that you see a rock, and how there is something wrong with your eyes, and that you obviously benefit in some nefarious way from pretending it's a rock, and on and on until you don't know a rock from a tree from a grapefruit from an airplane - a really good way to figure it out is to find a bumch of people you trust and who have no skin in the game, hey guys, is this a rock or a tree?

And if they say, dude, that's a rock, you might not believe them at first, but over time if everything starts to add up, then you'll know one way or another.

Because, let's face it, you woudn't be in this agony if you were really sure it was a tree.

[Rebel13]

Hi Julian,

Sending you good thoughts! I know it's hard to sort all this stuff out. I finally went no contact with my mother a year and a half ago -- and I'm in my 50s. So the process of separation can definitely take a while.

I agree with Square about putting the idea of leaving on the back burner for now. When you feel ready to think about that possibility, you will know. In the meantime, prioritize therapy! Nothing I wrote before about getting help for yourself was in reference to your "issues," by the way! We are all doing the best we can with what we have. And you're right, the only thing that matters right now is getting yourself to the sessions, if you possibly can. In addition to getting support wherever else you can.

I will point out two things, probably for future consideration, so just tuck them away until they seem useful to you.

1) When your wife threatens self-harm, you always have the option of referring her to the appropriate authorities. It is a common tactic of high-conflict people to threaten this, and saying something like, "I'm not a mental health professional so I can't help with that. If you keep saying/insinuating/implying that you are going to hurt yourself, I am going to call emergency services," is a win-win.  First, if they truly do need help, you are positioning them to get it. Second, if they are using these threats as a control tactic, calling their bluff will often stop them from doing that, or at least they'll think twice the next time. Third, it allows you to feel they will be safe without having to be responsible for that yourself. Being responsible for another person's actions, safety and well-being is too much for any one human.

2) If your wife is having so many difficulties, and if you are able to document this over time (see "calling emergency services" above), there is every chance you will can get primary/legal custody of your daughter in a future separation/divorce. Speaking as someone raised by a self-absorbed, high-conflict mother, I absolutely encourage you to explore the legal options and get legal assistance -- in the future, when you are ready -- to do as much as you can to ensure this outcome, for the sake of both of you.

Wishing you all the best, and as my dear friend and I tell each other when we are blaming ourselves for things we're not responsible for, "Put the stick down!"

[NBRiverGuy]

So I'm stuck. Stuck because I see what's happening, but every time I think about leaving, I fear the worst outcome. It's not just the guilt or the financial mess I'd be left with—it's the idea of what could happen if she spirals. I know how it sounds, and I know how I sound, yet here I am, feeling like I can't involve friends or family. They'd just try to intervene, and that might ignite everything. So I end up here, questioning my reality, questioning if I'm imagining the extremity of it all. I want peace, I want change, but I feel like any move could destroy what little stability we have left.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread with my situation, but I will share what is going on with me just to let you know that I understand your confused state of mind. I spoke to my wife's side of the family (Dad/Stepmom) privately last weekend after a crazy episode. I had never talked to them about any of this openly, but I was genuinely concerned for her safety and didn't know where else to turn. They both gave me their full support and said that they have known for a long time that her mental health was off. They will support me in whatever decision I have to make for myself and they will help her in any way that they can during the fallout. So I have my family's full support AND my wife's family's full support and yet I have a guilty conscience that is making it very hard to go through with it. To clarify, the closest people to both me and my wife have all basically said that I need to leave this marriage because she has been emotionally abusive to me for years, and I feel guilty about it. PDs know how to mess with your head. They are masters at it. One thing that has helped me calcify this inevitable decision that I have to make is going back and reading all of my OWN posts over that past year. That helps me to remember how bad things really are when she tries to act like nothing happened.

[Julian]

Hi everyone,

I've been struggling to post here, not just because life has been heavy lately, but because I feel guilty about it. I read all of your stories, and they're powerful and meaningful, yet I can't bring myself to respond. It feels selfish to only talk about myself when I wish I could offer something in return. Right now, I'm just not sure I have anything to give.

A lot of this comes from a recent string of events that left me feeling completely defeated. I lost my ADHD and sleeping meds, which feels idiotic because I really rely on them. I've spent the whole weekend spiraling, trying to find a solution and feeling like I'm barely keeping it together. I even reached out to a new therapist and mustered up the energy to go to the session, but then they just... didn't show up. After that, I just shut down. I went along with the usual family routines, spent money I don't have, and honestly felt like throwing in the towel on therapy altogether.

I feel like a mess for not handling these things better, like I should have more control, more resilience. But I'm here, and I'm trying to believe that writing this is worth something, even if it's just a small release.

Thanks for reading.

[square]

A lot of us have gone through times where we couldn't be as helpful. You can just post about yourself. Folks will reply if they want, and not if they don't.

Losing the meds definitely has got to be hard. Hopefully you can manage until you can get them again.

The no show therapist would have knocked me back too. To be emotionally ready for the appointment then it not happening. And for you, with ADHD, managing your day around it and the work to make the appointment, all wasted.

Take time to recover from the setback then try again. Just try not to dig yourself any holes in the meantime. Whatever you dig you'll have to get out of later. Just coast.