Disabled PD mother

[sweet1987]

I feel so alone like no one understands. Why does my mother still have this power over me. I'm  38 and I don't live at home anymore but her words still sting.
One minute I'm a good daughter and the next I'm the worst daughter.
The shaming, bullying, guilt tripping, passive aggressive tone that can be felt even in her written words. Then randomly heart emojis. It makes me feel crazy. How do you have a boundaried relationship with a PD mother who also has a disability and refuses any other help

[Rebel13]

Hi sweet1987! I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. To be honest, I don't know how to have a BOUNDARIED relationship with a difficult person -- I'm at one year of no contact with my emotionally immature mother, after many, many years of very low contact. I made that decision after all my efforts to bring her happiness and have a good relationship failed, and I was tired of her self-centered behavior. I decided that what I wanted was important, after trying for so long to bend myself into some "good daughter" shape that existed only in her mind.

There are really good resources and lots of support here on this board however! I know other members will chime in with their thoughts and experiences. You can also check out the Mental Health Awareness Month section -- the first week's forum there is all about boundaries! Including a link to the boundaries page in the Toolbox of this site.

I wish you all the best in coping with your difficult parent relationship!

[sweet1987]

Hi Rebel,
Thank you for your reply.
I get that, and indeed very challenging, not sure if there is even a realistic way to maintain the a relationship without it eventually taking it's toll.
I can definitely relate to 'the good daughter' side of things. It's never enough or good enough. And endless battle.  Yes gonna get reading. thank you again 

[Liketheducks]

Going VLC/NC helped me to have a much more boundaried relationship when I reconnected.   I'm still lower contact than my parents would like.   The distance has helped me to reparent myself.   They still trigger me, but the distance has removed a lot of the entitlement to a relationship with me, that I perceive in their behavior.   My parents are both in poor health, but not disabled per se.   I'm sorry you're here.

[NarcKiddo]

How do you have a boundaried relationship with a PD mother who also has a disability and refuses any other help

"and refuses any other help"

Please read those words and consider how this refusal is affecting the situation.

If other help is available (and it is very rare that absolutely NO other help is available) then why should it all fall on you? If she chooses to refuse other options, that is down to her. I know it sounds hard hearted, but there is no reason at all why you should constantly be called upon simply because she refuses other options. Especially when she treats you badly.

I do totally understand where you are coming from. My mother had endless power over me for decades. Why? Because I let her. It felt like I had no choice in the matter and no strength because that is what she wanted me to believe. It is a horrible situation to be in. But you do have power and strength. You are an independent adult. You are no longer a small child reliant on her in every way. I know it does not feel like it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Sweet1987,

When our parent has a PD, it isn't a normal relationship, so normal rules don't really apply. When we try to treat this person the same way we would treat a non PD, it doesn't really work does it? With a non-PD person, you're able to say "please don't do that anymore" and you get some sort of reasonable response. With a PD they say some version of "I didn't do anything" or "you're the problem, not me".

The problem I ran into when I tried to have the sorts of "normal" boundaries with my mother (that would work for me), is that she fought back. Tooth and nail. She refused to go along with my boundaries. That put it all on me, to constantly deal with each new behavior of hers, which crossed a boundary. So like you said, all the 'good daughter' stuff she tries to say and then the 'bad daughter' stuff she tries to say, its all on us to deal with it. She's just doing her behaviors, she's just 'being herself' and we're left figuring out what to do with that.

Boundaries are really really hard to install and manage with someone who wants something from you. They are going to work very hard to get what they want from you.

You can end up trying really hard to get her to agree with a boundary, that she'll never want to agree with, because her goal is to get something out of you. I think that the reason no one in our lives understands this, is that they do not know that there are parents with PDs, who are trying to get a lot out of their adult children.

Trees

[TimetoHeal]

NarcKiddo is spot on.  I have an older nPD mother who is starting to have all kinds of health issues.  She thought she would have me at her beck and call to do everything for her.  Nope.  I have my own health issues, a full-time job, and a son with special needs.  She learned that I was NOT going to be there for everything.  In your position, the first boundaries I would set is what your are or are not willing to do for her.  Then, getting her needs met is on her.  Unless she has serious dementia, she is capable of finding other help.  Remember, boundaries are us controlling OUR behavior, since we can't control theirs.  Hugs. 

[mary_poppins]

Hi. I think we talked on this part of the forum about older PD parents who refuse to get help for their sickness.
Check out that discussion. What I learned in general from reading about NPDs is that they are adults and responsible for everything they do to others and themselves as well. Their duty is to live an adult life and not rely on their adult children to care for them. If they make decisions that cause them suffering, pain and sickness (both my parents do this all day long), it's ON THEM. We have nothing to do with this. And it is not your duty to 'correct' them or help them see where they're wrong.

If they are mentally incapacitated, they can't help themselves then, you should help them or hire help. But your PD mother is mentally OK, has the capacity to think like you do. Has the ability to help herself and take good health decisions.

A therapist on youtube always forces his patients to ask themselves why are they thinking they way they think or why they are reacting like that? Pause and think 'why' are you reacting with guilt, shame and hurt to your mother's behavior? It is all about her, it has nothing to do with you. She's doing all those hurtful things as a result of her unhealed cPTSD. It is not your job to care for her feelings. Or even listen to her complaining.

[sweet1987]

How do you have a boundaried relationship with a PD mother who also has a disability and refuses any other help

"and refuses any other help"

Please read those words and consider how this refusal is affecting the situation.

If other help is available (and it is very rare that absolutely NO other help is available) then why should it all fall on you? If she chooses to refuse other options, that is down to her. I know it sounds hard hearted, but there is no reason at all why you should constantly be called upon simply because she refuses other options. Especially when she treats you badly.

I do totally understand where you are coming from. My mother had endless power over me for decades. Why? Because I let her. It felt like I had no choice in the matter and no strength because that is what she wanted me to believe. It is a horrible situation to be in. But you do have power and strength. You are an independent adult. You are no longer a small child reliant on her in every way. I know it does not feel like it.

..thank you so much 🤗

[sweet1987]

Thank you all so much. It really means allot 🤗