sexless marriage

[jumpin]

My wife has bpd but vehemently denies having it. (She was diagnosed years ago.) Since then she went to see an ED therapist who was horrible. Hasnt been in therapy in years. I tried marriage counseling, but wife has been abusive in the past both physical and verbal. When one is abusive, marriage counseling is never advised. That's another topic for another day, but suffice to say Im never doing marriage counseling again because this isnt about a marriage problem. At any rate, shes actually been pretty "normal" (with maybe 2-4 strong rages per year). During this timem that shes been "normal" sex never happens. Hasnt happened in months. A few years ago we had a discussion about it. She gave me the "it's not you, its me" and said shed work at it. I'm sick of asking and trying, and being the only person giving or acting like he wants it. I want her to want me. But Im just done trying. Every so often shell touch me, or grab me, and act like she wants sex. But it never happens.

Anyone ever experienced this?

[TurnThePage]

Hi jumpin

I have experienced what you are talking about.  BPDH was diagnosed years ago but denies anything is wrong with him.  Marriage counseling did not work because he said we "beat up on him"  He has been good for the past 6 years or so  but...he no longer wants sex.  If I don't engage...it doesn't happen. Seems he has no desire for it at all.  Tells me he is not sure what the problem is...he just doesn't desire it anymore.  At first he said it was medication he was taking (for other medical issues).  The counselor even told me that could be the problem and I shouldn't pressure him but.....he is no longer on those meds and it's still an issue. 

Sorry this doesn't answer any questions, just want you to know you are not alone in this.

[jumpin]

Hi jumpin

I have experienced what you are talking about.  BPDH was diagnosed years ago but denies anything is wrong with him.  Marriage counseling did not work because he said we "beat up on him"  He has been good for the past 6 years or so  but...he no longer wants sex.  If I don't engage...it doesn't happen. Seems he has no desire for it at all.  Tells me he is not sure what the problem is...he just doesn't desire it anymore.  At first he said it was medication he was taking (for other medical issues).  The counselor even told me that could be the problem and I shouldn't pressure him but.....he is no longer on those meds and it's still an issue. 

Sorry this doesn't answer any questions, just want you to know you are not alone in this.

Thanks for your message.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Jumpin.  Welcome to Out of the FOG.  There's a wealth of information here in the resources, tools, etc., as well as the forum.

What and how things affect a sexual relationship is a mystery.  I haven't experienced what you're talking about, but I have heard of other couples, though not PD affected, who have.  I am no expert at all, but I've observed in the cases I know about, again with no PD element, that a change in the dynamics of a relationship can seem to trigger a sudden and enduring loss of interest in one partner.  I wonder if some people need intensity or edginess to activate sexual desire.  (I may be totally off here -- just wondering.)

Maybe someone on here will have an idea of a direction to look in for answers.  I wish you the best!

[Defiantdaughter1]

If this is about her lack of desire, that problem can be a phase many women go through. There are options if that is what the problem is. However, of this is something deeper and associated with the PD, things are complicated. She needs counseling just for herself. Depression could be part of it.

You could see how she reacts if you give her a spa day, dinner, salon, etc. Some women feel more in the mood after that.  If that doesn't help, you can rule out that it's just a phase. At any rate, she needs to go to counseling.

As for the violent behavior, she has to know that it's unacceptable.

[TurnThePage]

I would like to rephrase what I said....H is not actually 'better'   I would have to say I am better at dealing with him. (through research, education and therapy)

H was always into "control"  so I think that could be his issue.  He wants to be the one in control so if I want sex he is no longer the one in control. So....we no longer have sex.  The only thing that bothers me is he complains that we no longer have sex!  Totally confusing to me since he only wants to complain about not having sex while doing absolutely Nothing to actually have sex! 

   

[jumpin]

thats totally confusing

[TurnThePage]

Tell me about it 

 

       

 

[jumpin]

Can i ask another question?

[sunshine702]

From what I have studied sex problems and personality disorders is pretty common.  You are having problems with INTIMACY and DESIRE.  This is common with Cluster b's.  I am sorry I know how painful it is when a spouse is cold. 

[jumpin]

your spouse does same thing?

[sunshine702]

Yeah but I am out of there.  I am a pretty sex positive person. Yeah it was withheld to "punish" me or given to make him feel all big.  I know it was a huge weird thing for him when it was all (tried to) be thrown in my face after the discard — what a slut I am.  I just laughed

[TurnThePage]

jumpin


Have been reevaluating everything that has happened for the past 36+ years with my BPDH.  Not always a good thing 

I have called him out on the "I want to complain we are not having sex, yet I don't want sex"  thing but he doesn't seem to have an answer for me. 

He says telling me he wants me and thinks I'm good looking should be enough. He doesn't seem to realize that I need the physical intimacy.

Recently I tried the reverse psychology route by telling him I no longer desired sex. Thought maybe he would then at least try!  Boy....did that backfire.  He told me I must be getting it somewhere else then since I was no longer begging him for it. 

[1footouttadefog]

At some point, it seems we become roommates, parents and caretakers and are no less anger spouses.

If I had it there do over, I would have divorced as soon as my H let our marriage become sexless for a long time and still used porn. 

I had actually left a job to go back to school and was working PT and going to school PT so I could finish my degree and earn enough income to leave the marriage.

My first kid came along them the second despite the fact we were clinically in a sexless marriage. ( Less that 12times a year.)

Things seemed better for a few years.  I enjoyed being a mother and started a new business to help support us since I couldn't finish my degree. 

Fast forward decades and I am done raising I day and now souse is quite mentally ill and has dementia.

I have moved on with my adult life. 

[NBRiverGuy]

I had a pretty much sexless marriage for the past three or four years. I'm talking maybe three or four times per year. After her most recent meltdown a little over a month ago, she can't keep her hands off me. It's weird and it does not feel right. It feels contrived and over the top.

[MaxedOut]

NB, from your post in another thread I see she is suspected of having bipolar. Hypersexuality is common with hypomanic and manic states. You did not say whether the provider thinks she is currently hypomanic (guessing hypo as full mania is... well, something you would probably be on other boards trying desperately to navigate).

This manifests in different ways for different people (towards partner, cheating, obsessive thoughts, kinks the person usually isn't into, etc.) but seems to usually have patterns at the individual level for many.

[NBRiverGuy]

Maxed - Her provider did not mention "hypomanic", but there is definitely some of the behavior that you mentioned.